mrtl

Yay for Pie!

UPDATE 2/5
The hasty pudding was supernom. No one else in the house likes it, so it's all mine. Woo! (Just in time for me to gain 20 pounds going off my meds!) I haven't placed the taste yet, but I've had something similar before. Thinking England, but I'll have to look around and ask my mother if it's familiar. She's got elephantitus of the memory, you know.

While the pudding was in the oven, I had a sidebar with She about how saying, "I'm making hasty pudding" was most definitely NOT a euphemism, that it wasn't flan made with sperm, that I was FEEDING IT TO MY CHILDREN. While taking it out of the oven I realized that I'd forgotten to add the maple syrup. Pouring it on top of the hasty pudding made it look WAY too flan-like, which wouldn't do at all. I had to mix it in. 

~~~~~~

Tomorrow night Jay Leno is going to be awarded the title of Harvard's Hasty Pudding 2011 Man of the Year. Preparations are in order, so I'm posting this today.

I'm not going to invest myself in the WTF'upedness of this. Rather, I'm going to give Harvard the benefit of the doubt that this isn't an attempt to insult Conan O'Brien. They have plans. They needed to get Leno there. What better trap than to tell him that he's being given an award? Who can resist an award? Of COURSE he'll have to BE THERE to accept his award!!

Festivities shall involve a roast. I know it's not a real roast, but can still imagine Leno bound up with an apple in his mouth like a suckling pig. This will keep him quiet and unable to escape.

Hopefully the event will also include surprise guests, like O'Brien streaking the stage to throw hasty pudding pies at Jay. Sofia Vergara should be present also, to provide commentary. "Oh, Yay! He's been hit with the pudding!"

It's unfortunate that I can't find anything online saying the event will be telecast. ::sigh:: Best bring it to life on my own. In case anyone has an inclination to create a diarama to play out their own fantastical version of the roast at home, following are some key items you'll need:

• Picture(s) of Leno

Watching Out
 
Unsuspecting
 

• Picture(s) of O'Brien

A Pie in Each Hand
 
A Pie with Both Hands (I don't have time to photoshop Wilson out for you. Make it work.)
 
Ready for Dramatic Monologue After Throwing Pies
 
If you would rather BE Conan, I'd suggest modifying the directions for this adorable Santa mask. Find instructions at this website.
 

• Picture(s) of Vergara - OMG you'll just have to Google her yourself. I'm a little flushed and short of breath seeing those.
• Popsicle sticks and glue to make puppets with pictures if that's the route you're taking.
• Hasty pudding. The recipe copied below was found here. Don't follow the recipe to the letter, though. You wouldn't want Leno to actually enjoy getting any of it in his mouth. Salt and nutmeg would be good candidates for excessive additives.
• Orange food die. I'd recommend adding this to the pudding as a special, personal touch.
• Pre-made pie shells. I don't know how well the pudding will set if it's allowed to cool, but does that matter?

~~~~~

Hasty Pudding
Serves 4

This pudding recipe was originally brought over from England was called “Indian Pudding” when it was made in Colonial America since cornmeal was cheaper and more readily available.  As a British dish, it was a quick pudding to make using a sweetened porridge made from flour, tapioca or oatmeal and milk.  Here the recipe was transformed to use local ingredients -- cornmeal, molasses or maple syrup and milk.  But because it uses cornmeal, it’s anything but “hasty” since it requires 2 hours to bake.  But the wait is worth it!  If you want to be truly authentic, serve as an appetizer.

2 cups milk
2 cups light cream
3 tablespoons stone ground yellow cornmeal
½ cup brown sugar
½ cup maple syrup
1 tablespoon butter
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1 teaspoon ginger
½ teaspoon salt
1/8 teaspoon nutmeg
Pinch ground cloves
1/8 teaspoon baking soda
2 eggs, beaten

In a heavy pan scald milk and cream.  Gradually sprinkle with yellow cornmeal and bring to a boil, stirring briskly.  Stir in sugar, maple syrup, butter and all the other dry ingredients.  Let the mixture cool slightly. 

In a small bowl beat the eggs with the milk/cream mixture.  Pour the batter into a buttered 1 ½ quart baking dish and bake in a moderately slow oven (325 degrees F) for 2 hours. 

Serve hot or warm with whipped cream or ice cream if desired.

Left or Straight?

That's right. Four hours and I'm back. I'm indulging myself during my multitasked laziness to wander a wonder. I'm also watching "American Idol," so it's a trifecta of lazy productivity. I'm feeling better already.

The dilemma: Two men are looking at imminent prison sentences (one framed, one guilty). They are driving together and stopped at a red light. Going straight will take them where they are supposed to be to address the charges against them. Going left will take them to Mexico. Which way do they go?

There's no answer. No conclusion. No closure. I can't stand cliffhangers, but "Terriers" isn't coming back, so we're all left to hang there and wonder. The storyline was all set up to ready us for the second season, which made it that much worse. All the curiosity and anticipation are shot, knowing that this is it. WHICH WAY DO THEY GO, damnit?! What happens with all the other subplots?

::tangent to vent just a little::
Television shows like this are doomed in our culture. The cast is excellent, the writing spectacular (props to whoever came up with the play on "I Love You for Sentimental Reasons" -- I digs me some naughty songs).

I'm getting tired of networks limiting us to medical dramas (need something "new"? let's make them doctors without borders!), who's-the-next-best-[blankety blank] talent shows, and yet another spin from CSI or Law and Order (is there another NCIS now? I don't pay attention to the crap anymore). Thank goodness for "Modern Family." If that gets cancelled to make room for another insipid drama or reality show I will cut someone.

::tangent to remove realistic threat of cutting someone::
Not to Palin myself if such a horrid thing should occur, I want it on record that I'm more likely to find a non-violent way of cutting someone. "Original Gangstaz" may be a place to start, but since that wasn't particularly fulfilling when work drove me insane last year, and I enjoy killing people by kicking them in the nuts so much, I think it'd be more suitable to get my hands dirty.

Ooooh! Crafts! I could make a victim out of food and then cut it. Like a Mr. Hotdog Man with spaghetti and various vegetables poked through him all voodoo style to make his arms, legs, hair, and all. Granted, he'd be all floppy after boiling, but it's workable; he won't be able to stand. Dousing him with ketchup will enhance the effect. I shall name him Jay, not that I'd want to imply killing Ed O'Neill, but because Sofia Vergara never fails to crack me up when she "YAYs!" at him, and I certainly want to take pleasure in cutting someone. "Yay! What's wrong?" "Yay! Why's your leg so noodly?" "Yay! Why you not answer me?" "Yay! Who cut you?" "YAY!" "YAY!!! You're dead!!"

Of course, I'd then want to eat Jay, since he'd be so yummy looking, all cut up and ready to go. Would that ruin the imagery? Make me look like a cannibal? Oh my head. Let's hope this doesn't happen anytime soon so I can more carefully figure out the plan.
::end tangent to remove realistic threat of cutting someone::

Where was I? The levity helped. The vent may end now.
::end tangent to vent just a little::

::new tangent to note and address input from the peanut gallery::
At this point, I'm giggling to myself as I type, and mister mrtl asks me what I'm doing. I give him a brief synopsis, including the mention of writing Sofia Vergara into a "Terriers" Mexican adventure.

Ever the Man of Hispanic Studies, he points out that Vergara is Not Mexican.

Duh, I know that. She's Colombian, from the same town as Shakira. Did you know that mister smartypants?

So now tell me, which would be worse? Possibly offending a Colombian by requesting to cast her as a Mexican, or insulting a Colombian by suggesting that she couldn't possibly play a Mexican? Who would be a better choice? Scarlett Johansson? While Johansson rocked a great Jersey accent on SNL, I don't think she can yell, "Yay!" with the same energy. I think I'll trust Vergara's range.

We're not in "I couldn't find a picture of a ship, so I had to use a house" territory here, you know?
::end new tangent to note and address input from the peanut gallery::

See, now I'm totally off track on what I thought Hank and Britt would do when the light turns green. My tangents done tangented me. New verb?

I was going to say that they go straight, but then Britt complains of being hungry. Surely they should have a decent meal before going to jail. That food will suck. Hank agrees this is a very good idea, suggesting that if they go back take a right, there's a good spot not far down. The toe goes in the pool... They go, they eat, then they head back. There's more to lose if they run. Besides, Mexico would challenge sobriety. What goes better with carne asada than an ice cold Dos XX? And what if they're at a bar that has poppers? Hank would be totally screwed... not to say that Britt should really avoid drinking himself.

::tangent to define poppers::
It's been twenty years since I dared to venture into Tia Juana, so who knows if these are still a popular "gift" to bestow upon a buddy in a bar. Buy someone a popper, and he'll be assaulted, grabbed from behind into a headlock and tipped backward in his chair, have cheap and watered-down tequila poured down his throat, and then have his head jerked back and forth so violently with the crook of the giver's arm that a collar would prove a much more appropriate chaser than a taco.

There are not enough lawyers in the U.S. to entertain a popper option for those who can't stand hearing the birthday song. I'm just saying.
::end tangent to define poppers::

Despite how bad an idea it would be, I want them to turn left. If they go to Mexico, Sofia Vergara could show up. I don't care how she's written in, as long as she can yell "Yay!" And hey, maybe Shakira can make an appearance, too. She can sing and shake her booty. And Vergara could yell at people to stay clear of the booty. Yeah. I can totally see that. Maybe it all could be a dream sequence, so more random and crazy shit could happen.

Now that that's settled, should the show come back as a series, making a jump in time like "Desperate Housewives," or should there be a "The Brady Girls Get Married" type movie to give us an update on how Winston the dog is doing (That's right, Winston should get due credit here, being the dog on a show named after dogs. Winston really needs a better agent.)? Either way, I would highly suggest that Donal Logue and Michael Raymond-James take Winston with and spend some down time south of the border, capturing some special moments to serve as visual bridges once this brilliance is exhumed.

Speaking of exhumations, I also really miss "Pushing Daisies," especially the knitting and pie and Kristin Chenoweth. Crossover shows can be so much FUN, can't they? CAN'T THEY!? A girl can dream of dream sequences.

I really must continue to practice more effectively wasting my time.