mrtl

Food Battles

At moments in this life one may pause long enough to be consumed by the thoughts of how life got away or so out of control. Such a moment occurred for me this morning as I found myself starting to pull out the typical ingredients to make the girls some typical scrambled eggs for breakfast. Spying the remains of the onion used for tacos earlier in the week, a half block of cheddar sitting with the processed cheese product slices, and remembering the cache of cooked bacon in the freezer, I pondered the delicious possibilities. But ::sigh:: the children wouldn't appreciate this. They don't like onions.

The internal uproar began. How many sacrifices have I made -- by my own choice -- as a wife and a mother for the sake of keeping peace and eating together? All the ingredients I've forgone, recipes I've skipped over or simplified, meals I've eaten that I'd rather not...

Fuck 'em, I decided. I'd make the eggs the way I like them. This is a battle I'm choosing to fight. As I put it to Bug as she later pontificated to me over the impossibility of eating around the onions on her plate, "You can't avoid onions all your life."

This, by the way, is the quote I'd love to see if I've any future inclusion in quote anthologies.

Surely they will hate me and CPS is going to be contacted before this battle is over. I'll be accused of starving my children. Really I won't be, but to get to the redundant wisdom of, "If they're hungry, they'll eat it," my children will have to be exposed to several meals that they refuse to eat before that hunger will become more important than their stubborn belief that distaste means inedible.

This will be a good thing. The girls will learn to appreciate food, or at least keep their mouths shut and eat politely; the pantry will be cleared of unfavored cereals and the whimsical ingredients for "someday" meals; and Momma may even start to enjoy cooking again.

When I think of nothing, I think of genitals.

Someday it'll come along
A thought to blog
And I'll write nice and long
This thought to blog

And when it comes my way
I'll take a note down right away

---

As usual, I think of plenty to write about, but then I get caught up in nothingness, or I reconsider the topic because of the had-to-be-there humor, or I forget, or I make a random note, like "restless genital syndrome," that I later come across and can't remember what I wanted to say about it.

The www.restlessgenitalsyndrome.com  website -- which *must* be legitimate and accurate if it has that url -- says that this syndrome has only been reported in women. I believe this. Others may want to argue that it's ridiculous to think that men can't have restless genital syndrome, too. Bullhonky! They absolutely have restless genitals. It's not a syndrome. It's being male.

::tangential warning about Wikipedia::
I'm already confused about this restless genital syndrome thing, so I probably shouldn't have clicked on the Wikipedia link.

Wikipedia's content is ridiculous. Who's writing this crap?

Wikipedia compares restless genital syndrome to priapism (that >4-hour erection for which men are warned to seek medical treatment lest they lose the ability to have an erection ever again). Restless genital syndrome (and no, I'm not going to use an acronym because I happen to enjoy writing it out) is not considered a threat to healthy and continued sexual activity. How could the two be related?

Investigating further, the Wikipedia page for priapism refers to clitoral erections. I don't believe "clitoral erection" is a legitimate medical term. Engorgement, yes, but "erect" suggests a bigger capability or usefulness. You'd never hear a woman talking about pitching a panty tent. I'm just saying.

::tangent to make superfluous complaint about spelling::
It's not "clitoras," so why isn't it "clitoril"? I have to look this up EVERY TIME.
::end tangent to make superfluous complaint about spelling::

I attempted to research the legitimacy of clitoral erections further with Google. I can't be convinced when the first five hits contain one of two YouTube videos (albeit an extremely scientific-looking animated video), Wikipedia's page on clitoral erection, a message board post, and two very NSFW sites. (To note, the sixth hit is Erect clitoris's Facebook page, which 79 people currently like.) I also can't be convinced if asking Alaskanmama, a nursing student with a much better understanding of medical terminology than I, made her laugh. Then again, I have to wonder if her description of the clitoris as "the regressed head of our neverpenis" is legitimate either. Maybe they haven't covered female genitalia yet. Maybe she's twelve regardless.

It would appear that the online medical community at least does not recognize clitoral erection as a thing. Let's move on. Here are those videos, in case you are curious.

WARNING: The following videos are very unsexy, but there will be related videos suggested after that are NSFW. They are totally useless in comparing an erect clitoris to a non-erect clitoris unless one opens two browser windows to show them side-by-side. (No, I did not try that.)
Clitoris - erect state
Clitoris - non erect state

Wikipedia also said that vibrations from mobile phones can aggravate restless genital syndrome. I can't believe Wikipedia allows such bunk to be published. Specifics! Where exactly is that phone being carried? Is there a special application? And what kind of phone is it? Does it come with a rabbit?

Don't trust that Wikipedia. It looks like a bunch of numbnuts are maintaining it. bah dum pum
::end tangential warning about Wikipedia::

Somewhere in the midst of ranting about Wikipedia, I remembered why I made the initial note in my list of blog topics in the first place. A while back I was looking up information on restless leg syndrome, which sometimes plagues me, and saw the reference for restless genital syndrome. When Arnold Swarshitimahavetolookthatupnowtoogger's shenanigans were in the news, I thought that his genitals must be restless. A silly thought, in retrospect. Certainly not worthy of a whole blog post.

You'll Never Call Me 'Beer Buckets'

Genetically modified cows produce 'human' milk

At first glance, such a headline is unsettling to many. Many are not seeing the big picture, the possibilities. Grab a drink; this may be a long one.

While my first thoughts upon reading about these cows involved trying to figure out how the Chinese could convince us that they had in fact figured this out, and a variety of naysayer implications, they quickly unraveled into considering the MAGIC of having breastmilk cows.

... Did they employ teet implants filled with human breast milk? Is that how we can tell genetically-modified cows from the unchosen ones? Are the implants that obvious? Oh, you naughty Chinese.

... Oh, HELL NO, I wouldn't let any child of mine suckle a cow's teet!

... Does the taste of the milk change based on what the cow has eaten? Can we feed them chocolate?

... Can the cows be genetically modified to produce Kahlua?

... But if my breasts are freed up from suckling babes, could I be genetically modified to produce something else, like cosmos?

::tangent on unwise choice of cosmo-producing boobs::
Boobs leak.
Cranberry juice stains are hard to remove.
Juice and Cointreau are sugary.
Sugar attracts ants.
Ants already like our house.
I already feel like bugs are crawling on my constantly.
I don't want real live ants crawling on my boobs.
::end tangent on unwise choice of cosmo-producing boobs::

... If I have to go with something clear to remove the threat of staining, I wouldn't want to choose vodka. I can't drink that stuff straight. If I go with white wine, people may think I'm trying to one-up Jesus. God forbid I do that. Maybe I'll just have to learn how to tolerate hard liquor. I'll go with Mags Bennett's apple pie hooch from "Justified."

... I'm very tempted to go with Bailey's. It's ever so tasty and versatile! I make fudge with it that is nom¹⁰⁰⁰.

... I could do a boob of each! I wonder if they'd go together. Oh, that's silly. Bailey's goes with everything.

... Should I feel guilty for not choosing a beverage that mister mrtl would never drink? He just drinks beer, but I don't want to wake up every morning smelling like the floor of the 'Vous [or insert your own sticky, disgusting college-years drinking hole]. Besides, what if he wants to tap me... like a keg... and wants the product kept icy cold? Screw that.

... A keg tap may not sound appealing at all, but a Camelbak-type contraption is something I would consider, especially when going places where a flask would be too inappropriate.

... I'd laugh through security checks at the airport, and then laugh some more when I don't have to spend a cent drinking on flights, and then laugh some more because I've overindulged just because I could.

::tangent because I can::
This reminds me of the question about why dogs lick their balls. A friend, upon hearing of my contemplation on this matter, said something about self-suckling. Yes, I could, but I'm not sure it would be a strong latch. That's all I'm saying about that.
::end tangent because I can::

... Imagine the impact such a breakthrough would have on women's equality in the workplace! The advantage a woman with, say, a steady supply of bourbon, could have over a male counterpart's useless he-teets, especially if said supply is of high-end quality.

::bourbon tangent::
Since there are some legal requirements (i.e., "must be aged in new, charred oak barrels") involved with the making of real bourbon that may not be possible to replicate with genetic modification, let's call it boobron instead.
::end bourbon tangent::

... Hosting parties will be like eating Jelly Bellies! What are the possible combinations! This gives a clever new twist on "mixers." ::hee - I said "twist"::

... I hate to be judgy, but anyone modifying to Boone's Farm or Mad Dog 20/20 can not come to my Dessert and Squirt Mixer.

Flipping the Decline of Rap Upside Down, Take II

I woke up this morning -- fortunately with dry sheets -- realizing that I dreamed about my previous post on this issue. 50 Cent wasn't in drag, though, but he was singing Jimmy's Durante's "If I Had You." I was laughing so hard in this dream that my stomach had phantom pains. I'm assuming I didn't laugh out loud (LOL) because mister mrtl didn't complain.

Thus planted the seed, and I've been having random moments where I come up with more song pairings. Pretty soon there will be enough for a compilation!

"That Certain Party" by Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis | Free Download
I can hear Eminem and Andy Samberg doing this one. With Eminem's exceptional tongue control, I am confident that he can say "wiener schnitzel."

DM) Has she got naughty eyes
DM) Yes she has got naughty eyes
DM) That certain that certain party
DM) You know the one I mean
DM) Sure you know the one I mean
DM) That certain party of mine.

DM) Naughty eyes turned up nose
DM) Rosy cheeks and pretty clothes
DM) Not a smarty.

DM) Has she got loving ways
DM) Sure she has got loving ways
DM) That certain party of mine.

JL) Hey Dean, remember the old time Vaudeville around 1924?
DM) Why I sure do
JL) With those corny jokes like "Can you stand on your head?"
DM) Nah, it's too high
JL) AH AH AH! Nothing, we better sing

B) Has she got you know what
B) Yes she has got you know what
B) That certain that certain party

B) Has she got I forgot
B) Yes she has got I forgot
B) That certain party of mine.

JL) You know what I forgot
DM) This and that and quite a lot
JL) Not a smarty

B) Has she got everything
B) Yes she has got everything
B) That certain party of mine.

JL) (jibberish)
DM) Hold on, hold on, what are you doing?
DM) Singing in shorthand?
DM) You're speeding
DM) That's better.

JL) Can she make wiener schnitzel
JL) Yes she can make wiener schnitzel
DM) That certain that certain party of mine
JL) Can she make hasenpfeffer
JL) Yes she can she make hasenpfeffer
DM) That certain party of mine.

DM) You know what I forgot
DM) This and that and quite a lot
DM) What a smarty
JL) Has she got everything
DM) Yes she has got everything
DM) That certain party
JL) That certain party
B) That certain party of mine...

"Settin' the Woods on Fire" by Hank Williams, Sr. | Free Download
Kanye West. And he must do a ho down. With lots of ho's. And Santa Claus, because it would be a Ho Ho Down, after all.

Comb your hair and paint and powder you act proud and I'll act prouder
You sing loud and I'll sing louder tonight we're settin' the woods on fire
You're my gal and I'm your feller dress up in my frock and yeller
I'll look swell but you'll look sweller settin' the woods on fire
We'll take in all the honky tonks tonight we're having fun
We'll show the folks a brand new dance that never has been done
I don't care who thinks we're silly you'll be daffy I'll be dilly
We'll order up two bowls of chili settin' the woods on fire

I'll gas up my hot rod stoker we'll get hotter than a poker
You'll be broke but I'll be broker tonight we're settin' the woods on fire
We'll sit close to one another up our street and down the other
Tonight we'll have ball oh brother settin' the woods on fire
We'll put aside a little time to fix a flat or two
My trey and tubes are doin' fine but the air is showin' through
You clap hands and I'll start howlin' we'll do all the law's allowin'
Tomorrow I'll be right back plowin' settin' the woods on fire

"Standing on the Corner" by Dean Martin | Free Download
Flo Rida, Shaquille O'Neal, DMX, Snoop Dogg, and featuring Bootsy Collins. I see this as a vignette about racial profiling. The singers are on a corner, mistaken for drug dealers by the police. They insist they're just watching all the girls go by, then break into song. Snoop Dogg gets to rap the part about being a cat for the ironic groans.

Standing on a corner watching all the girls go by
Standing on a corner watching all the girls go by
Brother you don't know a nicer occupation
Matter of fact, neither do I
Than standing on a corner watching all the girls
Watching all the girls, watching all the girls go by

I'm the cat that got the cream
Haven't got a girl but I can dream
Haven't got a girl but I can wish
So I'll take me down to Main street
And that's where I select my imaginary dish

Standing on a corner watching all the girls go by
Standing on a corner giving all the girls the eye
Brother if you've got a rich imagination
Give it a whirl, give it a try
Try standing on a corner watching all the girls
Watching all the girls, watching all the girls go by

Brother you can't go to jail for what you're thinking
Or for that woo look in your eye
Standing on the corner watching all the girls
Watching all the girls, watching all the girls go by

"Dancing Cheek to Cheek" by Fred Astaire | Free Download
And by "cheeks" I'm talking ass. This whole song is a huge double entendre for the sex. Getting lucky, reaching the highest peak, going fishing, going to Heaven, heart beating affecting speech. Yeah.

Don't ask about positioning for the sex with the cheek-to-cheek action. I'm sure it's possible but am not going to molest my children's Barbies to better visualize it.

Heaven, I'm in Heaven,
And my heart beats so that I can hardly speak;
And I seem to find the happiness I seek
When we're out together dancing, cheek to cheek.

Heaven, I'm in Heaven,
And the cares that hang around me thro' the week
Seem to vanish like a gambler's lucky streak
When we're out together dancing, cheek to cheek.

Oh! I love to climb a mountain,
And to reach the highest peak,
But it doesn't thrill me half as much
As dancing cheek to cheek.

Oh! I love to go out fishing
In a river or a creek,
But I don't enjoy it half as much
As dancing cheek to cheek.

Dance with me
I want my arm about you;
The charm about you
Will carry me thro' to Heaven

I'm in Heaven,
and my heart beats so that I can hardly speak;
And I seem to find the happiness I seek
When we're out together dancing cheek to cheek.

 "Ma Rainey's Black Bottom" by Ma Rainey | Free Download
Female representation has been sorely neglected here. I shall focus more on this for the next installation of FtDoRUD. I can't imagine anyone but Queen Latifah giving this song justice today.

Now, you heard the rest
Ah, boys, I'm gonna show you the best
Ma Rainey's gonna show you her black bottom

Way down south in Alabamy
I got a friend, they call dancin' Sammy
Who's crazy about all the latest dances
Black bottom stomps and the Jew baby prances

The other night at a swell affair
Soon as the boys found out that I was there
They said, "Come on, Ma let's go to the cabaret"
Where that band you ought to hear me say"

I want to see that dance you call the black bottom
I wanna learn that dance
Don't you see the dance you call your big black bottom
That'll put you in a trance

All the boys in the neighborhood
They say your black bottom is really good
Come on and show me your black bottom
I want to learn that dance

I want to see the dance you call the black bottom
I want to learn that dance
Come on and show that dance you call your big black bottom
It puts you in a trance

Early last morning 'bout the break of day
Grandpa told my grandma, I heard him say
Get up and show your old man your black bottom
I want to learn that dance

Now I'm gonna show y'all my black bottom
They stay to see that dance
Wait until you see me do my big black bottom
I'll put you in a trance

Ah, do it ma, do it, honey
Look it now Ma, you gettin' kinda rough here
You gotta be yourself now, careful now
Not too strong, not too strong, Ma

I done shown y'all my black bottom
You ought to learn that dance

This Brain is My Brain

Most of the time Jem is driving me completely peanuts in a pickup truck. She is scattered, needing several reminders to do tasks that she does every day. Send her to pick out clothes for school the next day and brush her teeth before bed, and fifteen minutes later she has made her bed; rearranged her stuffed animals around her room; jumped on her bed; choreographed a new dance to "Never Play with Fire"; bickered with Bug about not being allowed in Bug's room to play; scrubbed down the counter and the edge of the bathtub with Bug's toothbrush; rummaged around in the cabinet for a bandaid to use as a sticker because it really is just a red mark on her leg and not a skin tear; set the footstools on their sides after hiding a small toy inside the one with a compartment; hidden in the shower curtain; gone to the bathroom; played with the top half of the mermaid Barbie (she prefers it sans tail so she pretend that she's a paintbrush with her long hair) that's kept in the bathtub; smiled at herself in the mirror; stuffed a washcloth into a cup full of water; turned all the lights on and off; attempted to wash the mirror with a washcloth; and spilled half the toothpaste on the counter.

All too often we'll be in bed for storytime and cuddle and she'll announce that she didn't brush her teeth or pick out clothes for tomorrow. She'll jump and thump out of bed, prancing away with a, "I'll be RIGHT back."

She's never "right" back.

All too often she'll come out of her room several times after being tucked in, requesting extra hugs, hug-kisses, kiss-hugs, another tuck in, or to tell us that she is afraid and wants someone to sleep with her or that she loves us one more time.

You see, it makes perfect sense that I want Jem-sized hamster wheel installed on the wall in her room.

As if I didn't need another indication that, although Jem looks exactly like her father, her brain is a miniature of mine, on the ride home from school today she displayed some most keen insight into song overanalysis.

(For reference, recent examples of my work: Michael Bublé Part I | Part II, Matt Johnson of The The, and Current Events.)

On the radio was Leona Lewis's "Bleeding Love." Bug was trying to figure out what was being said, thinking the song said "digging love." Jem jumped in when I told her it was "bleeding love."

Jem turned five in February. Here are the points she made:

• That's crazy.
• Love is something we like.
• Bleeding means you have a booboo.
• Booboos hurt.
• She likes to bleed?!
• Maybe she needs a bandaid.
• Does bleeding make her happy, Mommy?
• It's weird that she likes blood.

Here I suggested that maybe she's a vampire.

• No, she's not a vampire, Mommy. She doesn't sound like a vampire.

What does a vampire sound like?

• Ssssssss!

Her natural sensability at deciphering nonsensical lyrics impresses me. The next time I attempt a song overanalysis, I'll be sure to include her input.

"Bleeding Love"
Leona Lewis

Closed off from love
I didn't need the pain
Once or twice was enough
And it was all in vain
Time starts to pass
Before you know it you're frozen

But something happened
For the very first time with you
My heart melts into the ground
Found something true
And everyone's looking round
Thinking I'm going crazy

But I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open

Trying hard not to hear
But they talk so loud
Their piercing sounds fill my ears
Try to fill me with doubt
Yet I know that the goal
Is to keep me from falling

But nothing's greater than the rush that comes with your embrace
And in this world of loneliness
I see your face
Yet everyone around me
Thinks that I'm going crazy, maybe, maybe

But I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open

And it's draining all of me
Oh they find it hard to believe
I'll be wearing these scars
For everyone to see

I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open and I
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love 

Flipping the Decline of Rap Upside Down

Snoop Dogg is appearing in strange places, like Pepsi adverts and Big Time Rush videos. This is most definitely a sign of the rap world's apocalypse, which I initially attributed to Ice-T when he started acting, but he's done well as a thespian.

::tangent::
OH MY FUCKING HELL, Ice-T. You, too? I'm so annoyed right now I don't even know what to name my tangent.

Ice-T, your website neglects to consistently use the hyphen in your name. DETAILS!!

Do you know what this means, Ice-T? It means that for me you are now all clumped together with Michael Bublé in the "Don't respect me because I don't care enough to make sure MY OWN NAME is spelled right by the people I hire to represent me" club.  Michael Bublé is in there because his website doesn't bother using the acute accent over the e in Bublé. 

Ice-T, you really don't want to be clumped in any way with Michael Bublé. He's a selfish man whore with some serious cooties. I advise you to have your voo doo woman's long pointy scissors with you at the ready to keep Michael Bublé at a good distance.

Sheesh, what is up with this lack of attentiveness to detail?
::end tangent::

Anyway, with the apocalypse that much closer, it's only a matter of time before rappers -- desperately attempting to cross over and keep sales up -- start tapping into oldies and standards. I'm writing this post today to throw out a few song ideas for rappers. You're welcome.

"That's Amore" by Dean Martin | Free Download
Ice-T and Michael Bublé should do this one since they're clumped together anyway. The song has eye injuries and pie, so it should appeal to each of them. I'll even help out with their group's name: Granville Island Iced Tea ("GI'IT"). 

In Napoli where love is King
When boy meets girl
Here's what they say

When the moon hits your eye
Like a big-a pizza pie
That's amore
When the world seems to shine 
Like you've had too much wine
That's amore

Bells'll ring
Ting-a-ling-a-ling
Ting-a-ling-a-ling
And you'll sing "Vita bella"
Hearts'll play 
Tippi-tippi-tay 
Tippi-tippi-tay
Like a gay tarantella

When the stars make you drool 
Joost-a like pasta fazool
That's amore
When you dance down the street 
With a cloud at your feet, you're in love
When you walk in a dream 
But you know you're not dreamin', signore
'Scusami, but you see 
Back in old Napoli, that's amore

When the moon hits your eye
Like a big-a pizza pie, that's amore
That's amore
When the world seems to shine
Like you've had too much wine, that's amore
That's amore

Bells will ring
Ting-a-ling-a-ling ting-a-ling-a-ling
And you'll sing "Vita bella"
Vita bell-vita bella
Hearts will play
Tippi-tippi-tay, tippi-tippi-tay
Like a gay tarantella
Lucky fella

When the stars make you drool just like pasta fazool
That's amore (that's amore)
When you dance down the street 
With a cloud at your feet, you're in love
When you walk in a dream 
But you know you're not dreaming, signore
'Scusami, but you see 
Back in old Napoli, that's amore

"If I Had You" by Jimmy Durante | Free Download
I don't have an artist in mind for this one, but I did work in some badass phrasing. And seriously, what rapper wouldn't jump at the chance to rap about Dall sheep? 

I could show the world how to smile
I could be glad all of the while
I could change the grey skies to blue
If I had you

I could leave the old days behind
Leave all my pals,
I'd never mind [I don't care about those bitches!]
I could start my life all a new
If I had you

I could climb the snow-capped mountains [like a Dall sheep]
Sail the mighty ocean wide [and never go to sleep]
I could cross the burning desert [I wouldn't even burn my feet!]
If I had you by my side [in my sheets]

I could be a king, dear, uncrowned
Humble or poor, rich or renowned
There is nothing I couldn't do
If I had you

"10 Cents a Dance" by Ruth Etting | Free Download
This one has 50 Cent written all over it. Imagine a day when he has an 80% decline in album sales revenue, landing him in Vegas doing drag shows singing this song, complete with a group dance choreographed for the "fighters and sailers" verse. I can't be the only one who can imagine this, right?

I work at the Palace Ballroom,
but, gee that Palace is cheap;
when I get back to my chilly hall room
I'm much to tired to sleep.

I'm one of those lady teachers,
a beautiful hostess, you know,
the kind the Palace features
for exactly a dime a throw.

Ten cents a dance
that's what they pay me,
gosh, how they weigh me down!
Ten cents a dance
pansies and rough guys
tough guys who tear my gown!

Seven to midnight I hear drums.
Loudly the saxophone blows.
Trumpets are tearing my eardrums.
Customers crush my toes.

Sometimes I think
I've found my hero,
but it's a queer romance.
All that you need is a ticket
Come on, big boy, ten cents a dance.

Fighters and sailors and bowlegged tailors
can pay for their ticket and rent me!
Butchers and barbers and rats from the harbors
are sweethearts my good luck has sent me.

Though I've a chorus of elderly beaux,
stockings are porous with holes at the toes.
I'm here till closing time.
Dance and be merry, it's only a dime.

Sometimes I think
I've found my hero,
but it's a queer romance.
All that you need is a ticket
Come on, big boy, ten cents a dance.

This is the only item on my Christmas list.

 

If I ever get old and need a third leg, I want a bull penis walking stick. Hell, I want one NOW, and shall name him "THIS" in honor of Pokey. Consider my Christmas list complete!

The site offers custom engraving. With the space this baby offers, I'd want to make maximum use of that. Maybe pay homage to the original owner with a verse, which would have to be a limerick. I'ma get my brain chewing on that.

Here are the specs. All this for $89 with FREE SHIPPING!

• Made in the USA
• Made from the reproductive organ of a bull
• Unique collector's cane
• Sealed with a protective lacquer
• Comes with a foam handle
• Comes installed with a complimentary specialty bull organ rubber tip

I wonder how they "installed" the complimentary specialty bull organ rubber tip. Wait... that's on the floor end. I'd have to put a condom over that, one that glows in the dark so people can see me coming. You'd think people would appreciate knowing when a bull penis is coming at them, wouldn't they?

I'm grateful that they have the foresight to use a protective lacquer. Without it, dogs would be trying to gnaw on the bull penis and I'd be forced to whack them off.

Oh, delightfully naughty bull penis walking stick. I want you SOOOOOO bad!

~~~

UPDATE:

This is a for-real bull penis. Here's the product description:

Genuine bull penis cane. This cane has been used for hundreds of years It represents good stamina and strength. This is a 1 collectors cane that is a must for any cane collector. A taxidermy process is used to sterilize and properly cure the tissue. The organ is stretched over a metal rod to make it sturdy. Brass Tip with rubber tip included.

Take THAT, doubters.

Also, as all can see in my comments, mister mrtl has put it in writing that he will buy me a bull penis walking stick (aka "Genuine Bull Penis Brass Knob Handle Walking Stick With Black Foam Grip"). Our marriage is saved!

Also, as all can see in my comments, the unimagineable has occurred. Bucky Four-Eyes speechless? It's an honor that humbles me.

Also, it's been some time since Jem has used a pronoun to replace a fairly common word that she can't quite put her mouth on. For example, "Mommy, I want a that." Today I had to change my underwear after hearing her complain, "Mommy! Bug just kicked my this!"

ANOTHER UPDATE:

If this bull penis walking stick has been used for a hundred years, as indicated in the description, what's up with the "6 month limited warranty*"? What do they think I'll be doing with THIS? And do they expect me to give it back when I'm finished so that someone else can enjoy it? I can't even find an explanation for the asterisk. I'll be sending a query to the seller and will let you know what they say.

This is why he keeps lotion next to the bed.

I was jolted awake just before 4:00 this morning by mister mrtl thrashing about to remove blankets. WTH, man? People are trying to sleep here!

"You're so hot that you woke me up and made my leg itch!"

Before you start thinking that this post is heading in a porny direction, he was not angling for an early-morning booty call. ::collective DING!::

::tangent to inform audience of newest double entendre notification system::
First there was, "That's what she said!" Then there was, "So to speak." Now it's, "DING!" like a service bell. There's a service bell application I have on my iphone for this purpose. It's quite useful.
::end tangent to inform audience of newest double entendre notification system::

Mister mrtl and I have become quite allergic to each other. He makes my nose run, and I make him itchy. It never fails when we get in bed that my nose starts to run (or whistle - I HATE that sound) and his legs get itchy. (He tries to blame it on my pajamas, but I wasn't wearing any last night. I was naked. It was hot.) He gets Very Grumpy when he's itchy, and doesn't appreciate it much when I encourage him to put some lotion on. He certainly doesn't appreciate it when perfectly good sleeping is interrupted by an itchy leg.

As it was, waking up made me have to get up to blow my nose. When I returned, mister mrtl was getting too comfortable smack in the middle of the bed, making it impossible for me to lie down with my hot self and not touch him. Not that I'd mind touching him, but he had his itch and was grumpy about me being so hot.

For future reference, I really enjoy hearing how hot I am.

 

"American Idol" Returns

First, I didn't realize that I broke my run yesterday. It was great while it lasted.

Second, it sucks watching this show alone. I need a viewing partner.

----

Drinking a cosmo and watching the premiere of "American Idol." Here are some random comments from throughout the show.

Opening montage: ahhh... ugh... ack!... whoa!... aw... yay!... squeee!... skirry!... omgah!... she bangs!...sob... what happened to taylor?... ooh, vertigo

I have the munchies. ::pause::

That hair is SO big! And WTF is with those moves? Why exchange them for tap dancing in the room?

Pink hair girl: awesome!

Randy Madden: no relation to the crybaby, though I do dig the 4-leaf clover necklace

LOVE LOVE LOVE that Paula will physically assault Simon while the new chick speaks her mind

"Waking up inside you" ? How does that happen?

Gurr is a onomotapoetic singer. I had to sing that word to spell it. ::note - This comment may only make sense to the English majors in the house:: Otherwise he's constipated.

Holy shite. I always thought, "It's all coming back to me now" was sung by Meatloaf. Celine? Really?!

Aundre/Xray - Had to watch this a second time. Catchy, and brought joy to my heart.

Day 2: I see big hair dude in there. They done messed up.

That's low. Funnier later singing Bon Jovi.

Stevie - wow

Bikini girl - um... why? I'm a little jealous of the butt. OMG - A sing off? Fucking AHWESOME!

Sexual chocolate. Is that like the chocolate dice I received in the Naughty Gift Exchange? Do you eat it or f*$# it? Does it melt in your hands? I don't think so, man.

I'm a little bummed. Not too many seriously hideous singing.

Bearded pirate dude at the end was awesome. More!

Mind the Gap - I want that shirt.

Sweaty and Friendless

I was so spent yesterday that I didn't realize what I had posted as my new subtitle till mister mrtl, sitting next to me on the couch with his laptop, leaned into me and said with a come-hither look, "Hey, 'Hot and Lonely'!"

Did I really write that? Yes. It's hot here, and I don't have any friends yet. Yes, mister mrtl is a friend, but that's not what I meant. And I didn't mean it sexually...

... Or did I? Seems I did broach the subject of cock rings the other day...