mrtl

Over Waffles

Jem was talking over Bug at breakfast. She wasn't even talking really, but doing this really super annoying, "AHH! EHHH! AAAAAAAAH!" shit that Bug totally didn't appreciate because she was trying to say something to me. Bug says, "Be quiet, Jem! Stop acting like such a queen."

My heart almost burst with pride. I asked where she had heard that one. She said that she had just made it up, that Jem was trying to keep everyone from talking and acting like she was in charge, like a queen. Makes sense. Jem was wearing her princess shirt, so I made a comment that she was acting much more like a queen than a princess.

Then Bug went on a little tangent (sweet - gets that from me for sure) about how if a queen has a daughter it's a princess and if she has a son it's a prince, and something about them growing up and getting married. Whoa! Brothers and sisters don't marry. That ain't right. She conceded, and went on to say that she would not be able to marry Jem when they're older even if they weren't sisters because they were both girls and even if they did, they wouldn't be able to have children because there was no daddy around.

So then the conversation briefly turned to one about gay marriage rights (she says that it's mean to say that gay couples can't marry) and then onto a rather engaging discussion about adoption and surrogate parenting. She'd never heard of such things. How can those things happen? I tried to keep this as simple as possible, saying doctors can do amazing things these days -- taking what was needed from the daddy and putting it in the right place in the mommy, -- because she's not quite old enough to understand and appreciate the beauty of the utilization of a turkey baster for this purpose (see below).

Even though I'm sure it would make for an entertaining reaction, I'm hoping she won't try to share this conversation with her classmates and teacher.

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Date: Sun, 16 May 93 18:58:05 PDT
To: Fun_People
Subject: New uses for home utensils

From: Keith Bostic
From: Lafayette Journal and Courier, May 11, 1993  Page A2

"Gee whiz, Ma, it's a Rubbermaid"

By The Associated Press

Raleigh, N.C. -  A woman who volunteered to have a baby for her sister - and conceived using a turkey baster and doing a headstand - gave birth on Mother's Day.

The baby, John Franklin Wittle, was born at Rex Hospital in Raleigh, weighing in at 7 pounds, 12 ounces.  His aunt, Julie Johnson, 34, a single Navy lieutenant, endured a 20-hour labor to give her sister and brother-in-law a baby.

The sister, Janet Johnson had failed to become pregnant using more scientific means.  So she sterilized a $2.95 kitchen baster in the dishwasher, got her husband, Mark Wittle, to make his genetic contribution, then carried it to her sister.

Julie Johnson inseminated herself twice in August with Wittle's semen.  She stood on her head each time, while leaning against a wall.

For Hire

Hey parents! Need a babysitter? IM me via Google Video. I can totally watch your kids. $30 an hour. I will captivate them with my video effect shenanigans.

Coffee Tawk

Making coffee in a coffee pot every day is a pain in my ass -- I always brew more than I want to drink (only did less once and learned), not to mention that the cleanup is annoying, -- so I jumped at the chance to try a different way of brewing. Enter the Toddy Cold Brew System. It is phenomenal! The grounds soak in water for 12 hours, then the concentrate is drained into a decanter. This concentrate can be stored in the fridge up to three weeks, but I pour it into ice cube trays and freeze it. Now whenever I want a cup of coffee, I put a couple cubes in my mug with some Splenda and hot water. Shazam!

Also important to mention is that the filtration in this type of brewing removes a lot of the acid. Think really good diner coffee. mmm... That makes me think of pie. Sorry, slight distraction.

When we lived in Alaska, we had one of those fabu hot-water dispensers right on the kitchen sink. After I fell in love with Toddy, I dumped donated Mr. Coffee. I regreted this decision momentarily upon moving into our house here; not only do we not have a dispenser, but the granite counters don't make it feasible to have one installed (without losing my precious sprayer, which I could always replace with a spray-faucet type since I'm so freakin' handy, but let's not go there, shall we?). While I can use the microwave to heat up water now (which requires many beepy button pushes -- not friendly to letting sleeping bugs lie), this process will not be conducive when visitors come a-callin'. What to do?

This is where I must 'fess up about my fail in supporting Call in Gay Day. Best of intentions aside, my lunch date with mister mrtl put me right next door to Tuesday Morning, a store I haven't stepped inside since we lived in Texas. I couldn't resist the draw, so allowed myself the delusion that I could walk into such a store and not buy anything.

It was there that I found Toastess. "Toastess" rhymes with "goddess," a fact that is not lost on me. Toastess is a cordless kettle with a warming feature. She also casts a lovely blue glow while in operation, which fascinates the girls whenever I use it. And the 50%-off coupon at the register? Bonus! She only cost $15.

Oh, and before anyone gives the old, "You just bought a coffee necessity; I'm sure the mo's will understand," I will now 'fess up further about my fail in supporting Call in Gay Day. While I could have walked away having spent very little, I'm all about slippery slopes. TJ Maxx is next door, and they had skirts for Bug for $3. $3! Plus some other stuff. I know. I suck.

::soapbox tangent::
The sooner the right pop realizes that our economy could single-handedly be saved by allowing gays to marry, the sooner we could work this country out of this fiscal mess. Seriously think about this. Going on the generalization that gays are all over style and design, imagine the money that could be made in the wedding industry. I'm just saying.
::end soapbox tangent::

I AM A HETEROSEXUAL*

While considering calling in gay tomorrow to show my support, a few things came to mind:

1. Working from home and setting my own hours, I could call in gay every day and no one would notice. I wouldn't need to call in, really. Since I don't call in with my hours now, it may only stand to confuse them.

2. There's nothing posted in my area for volunteering, and since I have a lunch date with mister mrtl, I can't leave the area to find something to do in the big city.

3. If I hang out at home and knit a hat for charity, would it count? It's doing something for someone else, but it's also enabling me to be lazy. It's hardly a sacrifice.

So what can I do?

I can't give blood since that possibility of passing out is there.

Gah - Once again my procrastination bites me in the ass.

I'll call the Red Cross in the morning.

http://www.daywithoutagay.org/

http://jointheimpact.com/

*I recently received an online introduction that lead with this line. I wasn't quite sure why it was included, but it cracked me up.

Stretching Your Christmas Bucks

pssst... I've got a secret for parents out there. If you've got little ones and are looking to get more bang for your buck in this recessional holiday season, pull up a chair. Don't get too comfortable, though; this will be quick. Super quick.

Ready? It's a gem!

Dig out some of those old toys that long ago lost the kids' interest and put fresh batteries in them. Don't insult the kids' intelligence by putting them with the tree; just scatter them about the periphery. Especially if these toys have been out of sight, out of mind for a while, they'll prove great distractions on Christmas morning. You may even be pleasantly surprised when they get a subsequent run.

Do you have a great idea? Do share!!

Rally 'Round the Debutaunt

Cancer sucks.

Deb's fight against leukemia resumes.

She needs us. Let's be there for her.

www.debutaunt.com

They should have called them "Nippits"

Or maybe Nip Eclipt... or Nip Tucks...

Bali has created the "first and only bras with revolutionary concealing petals for complete modesty." What, you ask? Inner pasties! I know, awesome, right?!

In the spirit of other advancements in humiliation-avoidance, here is a laundry list of other inventions I'd like to see:

• Boogoff (nostril self-cleanser)
• Fart 'Flauge (motion-detecting wind deodorizer)
• Hair There! (neck/nose/boob hair detector)
• LuminAss (self-waxing ass kit)
• Bonobscure (erection disguise)
• Queif Quasher

Seriously, what's the fun in coming up with a genius new invention if you can't have fun naming it?

Candy Corn Might Still Be on Sale

Bump.

Deposit Your Two Cents

Here.

Where's Santa?

According to NORAD, he's in Spain.

The bonus is calling their toll-free line. He told Bug to get to bed before 9, since Santa usually hits Alaska before the rest of the country.