mrtl

I'm Corny About Her Tits

Related Post 1 | Related Post 2

Yesterday I FINALLY got my friend's tits in the mail for her. Having been way too easily frustrated and distracted, procrastinating to get them completed, I was intent on sending them overnight by FedEx. Then I found out that to do so would cost over $100, which would piss mister mrtl off and compound my tit guilt. She'll get them by Tuesday instead.

In my haste, I didn't include any information about her tits. I didn't include a note about the fiber used and how to care for them. When my existing stash failed me (too much time away from knitting makes trying to double fiber for correct thickness result in more knotting than knitting), and not wanting to trust buying online, I found an interesting option at my local knitting shop.

::tangent to note redemption of local knitting shop::
When I first moved to this town, the shop carried mostly acrylic. While they still don't carry a lot of the brands I was spoiled on in Alaska and jaunts to Seattle and Portland, they're stocking so much more now. Just in time for our departure.
::end tangent to note redemption of local knitting shop::

I'd never heard of yarn made from corn. CORN! It's Corntastic! Really, that's the name of it. See for yourself! I was really excited to find an alternative natural yarn. Besides, I love corn!

::tangent to address corn love::
We're going to make corn dogs this week! I know they don't look too appetizing, so the girls are going to either refuse to eat them or take a bite and say they're not hungry. I may have to suggest a race to see who will finish first and get ice cream. mwahahaha

Borrowed from Someecards, the corn-eating personality test: 

Considering this, someone's going to call Child Protective Services on mister mrtl.

Oh hell. What does this say about me taking the picture and posting it online?
::end tangent to address corn love::

Let's get back to titty talk.

I was momentarily worried that her son is allergic to corn. He's allergic to a lot of stuff. Then I realized that he has no business playing with his mother's tits anyway, so we're good, right? Damn, I hope it's all right. Now I'm worrying again that he'll have a reaction hugging her. Fuck. Sending message and crossing fingers to get a response soon that this won't be an issue.

Update: Not only is said friend's son NOT allergic to corn, but she loves KORN, too! ::happy clapping::

Redirecting...

It was referenced in my initial post that the recipient of these tits is a HUGE fan of Trent Reznor. HUGE! If it weren't for the yarn, frustration, distraction, and other procrastination issues, I would have pursued making some fancy design on the tits to pay homage to this. As it would turn out, that base was covered anyway. In trying to determine how to feng shui the weights.

::tangent about feng shui'ing the weights::
The pattern suggests personalizing the weights with a symbol or word to represent a positive of the cancer experience. I focused on a Japanese symbol instead of a Chinese one because my friend's husband has travelled a bit to Japan with his job, making that more personal for her. 

With the many challenges facing my friend, what with her kid's allergies, mom's bout with breast cancer, hubby's travel, and her fight against breast cancer, the word that came to mind was "perserverance." She'd need a lot of that, more than any other character that came to mind, and since it's already been addressed that I didn't want to send her disproportionate tits, I decided to feng shui both tits thusly.
::end tangent about feng shui'ing the weights::

While looking online to find the Kanji for "perserverance," I was delighted to find the perfect character. Check this out:

See that up in the corner? Next to the Japanese flag is "nin," because in Japanese the character is used in the Kanji for "ninja." It's thrilling whether it's part ninja or a secret shout out to Nine Inch Nails. Additionally, don't two half ninjas make a whole?

She can't lose whether she has a ninja protecting her chest or Trent Reznor in her bra.

 

Attentiveness to Detail FAIL

Update: Thrilling news! I SUCK AT GAUGE! Not that that's news. Anyway, when I stuffed those A-puppies, they're closer to a C/D than an A. The bigger ones may be too big. I'll still make a set, in case she wants to get her Dolly Parton on. Woot!

~~~

While knitting some tits for my friend who currently has none and is waiting ever-so-patiently to get some (not that kind of "some"), I realized why my first attempt rendered one that is horrendously disproportionate to the other. No problem here... got new pieces knit up and ready for stuffing.

But then... I discover my error. The pair I've almost finished are A-cups, not D. Of course she's going to want the three inches. DON'T ALL WOMEN WANT THREE MORE INCHES?!

I think I'll send the A's ahead while I get the D's knockered out.

What's the lesson learned here? Keep your titties ready.

Yes, Woman, I'm Blogging About Your Tits

A dear friend has been diagnosed with breast cancer.

When she told me, she quickly tried to distract me from the mortification by tasking me. i.e., "I have breast cancer and I want you to knit me some tits, soft ones like you made for [our friend]." How freaking awesome is that?

Seriously, woman, if you wanted me to knit you something, you could have asked. You didn't have to go and get breast cancer. Sheesh.

::tangent for public service announcement for anyone breaking this kind of news::
There couldn't be a better way to break bad news. Know this. My moment of "OMG! This is horrible! What can I do? I don't know what to do! I'm on the other side of the country; I'm helpless!" lasted only a second until she finished her thought. I didn't spend the rest of our time chatting with my mind racing to determine how I was going to be able to support this friend in kicking cancer's ass or being angry that there was little I could offer from so far away. Instead I was able to focus completely on being a good listener.

I am amazed at my friend's presence of mind to have something planned out, but this is an anomaly. Usually they will not let you know, which is completely understandable. They're usually too caught up in trying to figure out what the hell they're going to do; how they're going to hold their shit together; how they're going to break the news to others; where they're going to find the strength needed to fight.

::tangent within a tangent for supporters::
Too often when we hear this news, we say since we're clueless, "If you need ANYTHING, just let me know." It's likely you'll never get such feedback, so its better to be proactive. Keep in touch. Make offers. Overextend. Dare to be annoying.
::end tangent within a tangent for supporters::

^^ Fighters reading this - anything to add? Am I completely off in saying this? Please give a clue to the clueless. I'm assuming that you'll let us know if we're overstepping, and less likely to know if you need more.
::end tangent for public service announcement for anyone breaking this kind of news::

While this dear friend is clear on wanting some tits (and a hat, too), she can't be bothered with the minutia like color choices. Initially I considered a nice pale orange pair of melons, but then she mentioned that she can't stand orange. I'm afraid that watermelons will show through light clothes. Honeydews don't scream "bodacious tatas" to me for some reason (probably a stigma attached of the "honeydo" list, which requires a man, and this situation is all about girl power). Flesh is so boring.

I keep thinking about ninjas. Ninjas are fucking awesome fighters. Black shows through, too, though, so I'd have to make more than one set. Doable in the time frame. Wouldn't it be disturbing to have eyes on the tits? Maybe a nice little throwing star as a nipple will work. Seeing these remind me a lot of Janet Jackson's wardrobe malfunction, though. I'd have to make sure she doesn't hate Janet Jackson.

I also envision knitting a hand design over the top so she feels constantly fondled. This will help especially when her husband is away. Would it be wrong to use mister mrtl as a hand model? Maybe better to use my own hands. Our husbands have met; I wouldn't want to send her inappropriate tits. OOOOH - I know whose hands she'd love to grope her... Nothing quite like the feel of something new. Brilliant!

The bigger challenge may be finding my sticks.

Suggested Links:

the pattern
store and care guidelines
starfish aka throwing star aka Janet Jackson wardrobe malfunction
ninja balaclava
essential ninja accessories
cat ninja hat, because it's awesome

I hate you, lace

You're an asshole, and I should have known better. I knew you were trouble the first time I played with you, but I couldn't stay away. Having bought several skeins of awesomely beautiful yarn, I felt the tug of obligation to honor it.

And then AM tells me that she's knitted a beautiful lace scarf that was soooo easy. ::warding off the negative thoughts towards such a dear friend, jealous of the mad skills, is all:: I should have known, coming from her, Miss "My First Project was a Fair-Isle Hat"... grumble grumble.

The pattern said to cast on 76. Do you know how long it took me to do that, just to freakin' COUNT those tiny little stitches? AN HOUR! Then I blew one out when I checked after my fourth row.

I'm done with you now, asshole lace. You're going to rot in the stash box. I guess I'm back to making the earflaps for my brainmonster hat and the horns for that viking hat promised to mister mrtl's imaginary friend. (Too lazy to add links - sorry.) Acrylic isn't as shitty as I thought, now, is it?

~mrtl

Filler

I said I'd be posting every day, but I have nothing tonight. My brain and itchy fingers are intent upon knitting, and I'm powerless to force the blogging.

It's a woman's hat for charity. I want to hurry up and finish it so I can do one of these.

Behold His Noodly Appendages

In celebration of my much-anticipated return to blogging (emphasis on MY), there shall be a contest. The Big Weiner shall inherit his or her own Flying Spaghetti Monster, lovingly knitted by me.

Drugs have addled my brain (which is why they're being Imus'd). Any ideas? If you submit the winning idea, I'll make you an FSM as well.

Contest details shall be posted this weekend.