mrtl

When I think of nothing, I think of genitals.

Someday it'll come along
A thought to blog
And I'll write nice and long
This thought to blog

And when it comes my way
I'll take a note down right away

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As usual, I think of plenty to write about, but then I get caught up in nothingness, or I reconsider the topic because of the had-to-be-there humor, or I forget, or I make a random note, like "restless genital syndrome," that I later come across and can't remember what I wanted to say about it.

The www.restlessgenitalsyndrome.com  website -- which *must* be legitimate and accurate if it has that url -- says that this syndrome has only been reported in women. I believe this. Others may want to argue that it's ridiculous to think that men can't have restless genital syndrome, too. Bullhonky! They absolutely have restless genitals. It's not a syndrome. It's being male.

::tangential warning about Wikipedia::
I'm already confused about this restless genital syndrome thing, so I probably shouldn't have clicked on the Wikipedia link.

Wikipedia's content is ridiculous. Who's writing this crap?

Wikipedia compares restless genital syndrome to priapism (that >4-hour erection for which men are warned to seek medical treatment lest they lose the ability to have an erection ever again). Restless genital syndrome (and no, I'm not going to use an acronym because I happen to enjoy writing it out) is not considered a threat to healthy and continued sexual activity. How could the two be related?

Investigating further, the Wikipedia page for priapism refers to clitoral erections. I don't believe "clitoral erection" is a legitimate medical term. Engorgement, yes, but "erect" suggests a bigger capability or usefulness. You'd never hear a woman talking about pitching a panty tent. I'm just saying.

::tangent to make superfluous complaint about spelling::
It's not "clitoras," so why isn't it "clitoril"? I have to look this up EVERY TIME.
::end tangent to make superfluous complaint about spelling::

I attempted to research the legitimacy of clitoral erections further with Google. I can't be convinced when the first five hits contain one of two YouTube videos (albeit an extremely scientific-looking animated video), Wikipedia's page on clitoral erection, a message board post, and two very NSFW sites. (To note, the sixth hit is Erect clitoris's Facebook page, which 79 people currently like.) I also can't be convinced if asking Alaskanmama, a nursing student with a much better understanding of medical terminology than I, made her laugh. Then again, I have to wonder if her description of the clitoris as "the regressed head of our neverpenis" is legitimate either. Maybe they haven't covered female genitalia yet. Maybe she's twelve regardless.

It would appear that the online medical community at least does not recognize clitoral erection as a thing. Let's move on. Here are those videos, in case you are curious.

WARNING: The following videos are very unsexy, but there will be related videos suggested after that are NSFW. They are totally useless in comparing an erect clitoris to a non-erect clitoris unless one opens two browser windows to show them side-by-side. (No, I did not try that.)
Clitoris - erect state
Clitoris - non erect state

Wikipedia also said that vibrations from mobile phones can aggravate restless genital syndrome. I can't believe Wikipedia allows such bunk to be published. Specifics! Where exactly is that phone being carried? Is there a special application? And what kind of phone is it? Does it come with a rabbit?

Don't trust that Wikipedia. It looks like a bunch of numbnuts are maintaining it. bah dum pum
::end tangential warning about Wikipedia::

Somewhere in the midst of ranting about Wikipedia, I remembered why I made the initial note in my list of blog topics in the first place. A while back I was looking up information on restless leg syndrome, which sometimes plagues me, and saw the reference for restless genital syndrome. When Arnold Swarshitimahavetolookthatupnowtoogger's shenanigans were in the news, I thought that his genitals must be restless. A silly thought, in retrospect. Certainly not worthy of a whole blog post.

And So I'm Googling Again

Even with a long absence from posting here, the mrtland blog has been Extremely Useful to society in general. Cases in point, this blog is noted as a resource for:

- Reference.com
  Finding a Mario Fan Club
  Nutria Identification
- Findadeath Forum
  Mud Flat Deaths in Alaska
- Facebook group "Outrageously Big Bangs Back In the Day"
  The Only Related Link, She Bangs
- Ask.com
  Cointreau
- thesaurus.com
  Examples of Appositives

I can't tell you how thrilled I am to be recognized for these Very Important Topics.

::disclaimer:: I'm refraining from including being a hit for a search for information about why the searcher's little brother wouldn't eat his smegma. It really was an unfortunate combination of words I've used. ::end disclaimer::

My Trophy

It all started when a fellow Mama casually mentioned the secret ingredient in the oh-so-delicious margarita of limey goodness. AM took it to task to procure this ingredient for our upcoming overnighter playdate (our daughters are the bestest of friends, and have totally hounded us to have a sleepover, and we have caved to their demands, because they were way demanding and are too cute together, like at the hockey game last weekend...

...see what I'm talking about? How could anyone resist the cutest of this combination? So the girls twisted our arms and we gave in and said, "Well, shucks, if we HAVE to.") Besides, I needed a reason to test out the new blender with the margarita dispenser. You think I'm kidding? Check this baby out (and no, mine didn't cost that much). (Note to mister mrtl - the old blender was sacrificed while making a ever-so-yummy butternut squash soup for a Halloween party.)

Anyhoo, AM got all busy doing -- what? MOM stuff -- and dropped the ball on finding the secret ingredient, although in all fairness I should contend that she didn't really drop the ball, but bounced it around a few times and then put it down in a safe place to get to later, and then got a bit distracted by other, much lesser-priority tasks (I don't know what, diapers or dishes or more crack-ho sock knitting), and so when I asked her how the search was going and she hemmed and hawed just that least little bit that she had tried here and there and had yet to try hither and yon, I cracked my knuckles, slapped my cap, and pulled out my mad Googling skilz. I responded to her email with name, number, and link to a local distributor of said secret ingredient, to which AM responded with, "You are the magical goddess of the internet! I bow down to thee!" and later in IM "you're the bestest super sleuth you need a medal." Rather than a medal I asked for a trophy and shared with her the awesome link I found today while perusing boredatwork.com: http://www.addcaptions.com/.

And behold, my trophy:

If the margaritas are worthy, I shall post the secret ingredient. Stay tuned!

Not Such a Good Idea

I should be asleep. Jem took FOREVER to settle down tonight, and there's the ME time I demand to have... I'm about to need to tape my eyelids open. Why must sleep be a luxury?

Sleep is not the purpose of this post, though. Discussing my big plans for a new banner is the purpose of this post. Follow me for a second.

Over the last week or so as I've struggled with my weak will for the sweet stuff, a lyric has been playing itself over and over in my head: "Save me from myself." As usual (in the spirit of the multitude of other banners inspired by them), this is from The The. This was (and possibly still is if I can bring myself to follow through) to be the theme of my new banner, and I planned to surround the words with images of that which tempted me.

I wasn't planning to stay up all night, but wanted to get a jump start on gathering images of the treats. WTF was I thinking? Have you visited www.hersheys.com lately? E-gads. It hurts. Oh it hurts. All the products listed... the products I didn't know existed... reminding me of the Holy Grail (the Irish Cream Rolo). Shit... It's worse. Looking for a link for the Holy Grail, I see the candy of my childhood in England.

::blame tangent::
Jana, you started this shit, talking candy. I realize you're just trying to encourage me to sit around and eat chocolate all day rather than train, ill-preparing me for our DDR dance off next year. Bitch.

Sorry. I didn't mean to call you that. It wasn't nice. It's just thinking about all this yummy stuff that I shouldn't be eating makes me hella cranky.
::end blame tangent::

Ranting about seeing all the chocolate online isn't the purpose of this post either. As I said, I was gathering images. When the Hershey's site didn't have that which I sought, I turned to my old friend, Google. What follows is the true purpose of this post.

Whatever you do, don't Google "Twix" and go into images. If you do, you may see a Very Disturbing, NSFW image... Oh. That's not nice of me, is it? I'm sure those of you at work are going to be pissed at me for teasing you in this way, making you wait till you get home to blantantly ignore my instructions. Ok. I'll play nice and describe it. You best give me mad props for doing so because having these words on my blog is surely going to lead to some unsavory search hits.

It is a picture of an woman's ass with a Twix protruding from it. (At least I think it's supposed to be a Twix; it looks awfully large for a Twix. Maybe that's a product of which I'm not aware. Is it wrong that I am now drooling over the thought of a large dildo-sized Twix now? Don't bother. I already know.) On the other end of the Twix is a woman taking a bite from it. The image is labeled with a catchy phrase involving Twix and a term meaning "women" that rhymes with Twix. A verb beTwixt the two is something one does with a shovel. That word is not "spelunk," although from looking at the picture it very well should be.

Do you understand why I could not possibly go to bed now? With this image in my head? With these thoughts?

Oh perfect. The stupid tic tac commercial is on, the one with the woman balancing the tic tacs on her tongue, which is just as creepy as the one where the woman juggles them with her tongue.

'Roidal Conception

mrtland is the #6 Google hit for "is it safe to conceive if i have hemorroids"

I'd like to take a moment to let this poor soul in Saudi Arabia know that she is putting the cart WAAAAAY before the horse. You're not pregnant now and you think you have 'roids? Come here and let mrtl give you a hug. Have you met Trudy? Yes, she is a big girl.

Happy New Year!

Check out the cake, y'all:

It was Bug's idea to make a birthday cake for the new year. Go figure; she's been fixated on birthday cakes for some time now. Read more about tonight's adventure on her site. I'm talking about the cake here.

If you were to Google my real name and sort out all the links that actually involve me, you'd find that my claim to fame is the following cake recipe. Once upon a time I was on a bulletin board where someone asked for a quick and easy recipe for a good chocolate cake. This was my contribution. Ten years later, this recipe is attributed to me on many a recipe website. It is my Google legacy. (Apologies to Hershey, from whom I got the recipe.)

I've been haunted with the need to test the cocoa glaze from Cat's Cuckoo Cookies on this cake. Tonight was the night, and I wasn't disappointed. I couldn't go to bed without sharing this with you. Go forth and bake this delightful concoction. You won't regret it.

Cocoa Cake

1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1 cup sugar
1/4 cup cocoa
1 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
1 cup water
1/4 cup plus 2 tbs vegetable oil
1 tbs vinegar
1 tsp vanilla
Andes Candies (optional)

Preheat oven to 350.

Combine flour, sugar, cocoa, baking soda and salt in a large bowl. Add water, oil, vinegar and vanilla. Stir with spoon or wire whisk just until batter is smooth and ingredients are well blended.

Pour into greased and floured (or sprayed with Pam) 9-inch layer pan or 8-inch square pan. Bake for 35-40 minutes or until tester comes out clean.

If desired, put Andes Candies on top immediately after removing from oven; spread when melted. Otherwise cool in pan and frost as desired.

Cocoa Glaze

1/2 cup cocoa
1 1/2 cups powdered sugar
3 tbs hot water
1/3 cup butter, melted
1/2 tsp vanilla

Mix together and spread immediately.

#1 Google Search for "Maddenvision"!

Not necessarily a good thing, when your father gets a new laptop and wants to add his lovely granddaughter's website to his favorites, and you haven't told your parents yet that you're expecting another baby, so this is how they find out.

Damn the Googleability! ::waving:: Hi Mom and Dad!

On the same note, my initial reaction to the news (in an email) wasn't one of panic, but happiness and relief. Granted, there are things on this blog that I may not want you to know about me (my penchant for saying "fuck" for one), and things that you may not want to know about me (I'll put no examples here), or things that you wish I had told you about. There are things that may make you feel uncomfortable, or that may even strain our relationship (no, I really didn't believe you would get Bug baptised - it was a JOKE).

That's all I'm giving for a disclaimer. I'm not asking that you don't read this; it's in the public domain and it's a free world. I do ask that you tread carefully in bringing up what you read with me; you have stumbled upon my personal diary, so discussion isn't always going to be welcome or comfortable. I have enjoyed using this format for my journey in self-expression and discovery, and don't plan to change that. Or the language. Or the self-indulgence.

Having you know this does in many ways make things easier. Coming up with a way to explain my trips to meet Susie, Kelly and Cat without outright lying to you was not easy. I have met a lot of wonderful people through this community, as you'll see in comments. I consider myself extremely fortunate to have found them.

It's Totally Worth Screwing Up My Margins

That is all.

It's Monday!

One of the best classes I took in college was one on Women's Studies. The professor subscribed to the "freedom with focus" mentality, regularly assigning us essays with one word. The word was a general topic, like "work," or "future," with the only instruction given "to write about it." There may have been a minimum length, I can't remember, but being free to consider a topic and see where it would take me was wonderful. I've never enjoyed writing more. Some may call this laziness of the professor, but I call it sheer genius. Besides, it's not easy to assess papers that aren't given specific direction, so that judgment would be wrong. There were many in the class who took issue with this approach; they needed specificity and guidance. They didn't trust themselves.

I've enjoyed the group blogging projects like Self Portrait Day (with a theme), and pet (who started that one, anyway?) and stuff Fridays. When given focus with freedom, it's interesting to see how different people approach the same topic.

The biggest issue I have with such projects as I've seen so far is that they require equipment. They also require, for me at least, the time necessary to find a subject, prepare the area -- who doesn't clean, or at least dust?? -- take the picture, find the connection wire, transfer the picture(s) to the computer, open the pictures to select the most suitable one(s), crop and adjust as necessary, and upload. Ok, so maybe the time issue is larger than the equipment issue. They're directly related anyway.

Writing, on the other hand, doesn't require such effort, especially when the topic is to be taken from within, as in those papers I wrote in college. It is because of this that I begin assigning myself such writing activities, and I invite all of you to join me. The subject will be announced each Monday, to be posted on the following Monday.

And so starts Motif Monday. As indicated last week, today's topic is #1 Google Search Term. We're starting easy. Write about it as you may!

My #1 Google Search Term

Please also refer to last week's post for the beginning of this.

Of all the weird search terms that will get one to mrtland, I couldn't say which of these terms produces a #1 hit. When I try to Google many of these terms now, they hit on the afore-linked page. This makes no sense; they weren't added to this page till after the initial Google search hit my site. I shall keep track this from now on and note them as such.

I can't think of many search terms I'd like to claim. I doubt I could come up with something as clever and silly as some of those actually used to get here. There is one search term that I know will get mrtland as the first result, and I am proud of this for more than simple vanity. I Googled "mrtl" when I first started using it as my pseudonym, to see what else it stood for. The first several hits were for various Right to Life organizations. Don't get me wrong; I'm supportive of people having their own beliefs, and some people believe that abortion is wrong. That is fine with me. What peeves me is when anti-abortion organizations or groups crop up that get all militant and shit, and aren't respective of others' beliefs. It pleases me that now when someone Googles "mrtl," they're more likely to end up here in mrtland, a fun and happy place (when I'm not bitching, that is).

next week's topic: love

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Update: Following are links to participating blogs. If I've missed you here, comment with a link!

Catherine, Ern, Katie, Kalki (aka Google Goddess), LadyBug, Sharkey, Susie

One Lofty Goal Traded for Another

With all the fun that I've had with Google, I started thinking about sharing the love. I wanted everyone to know their own Google potential, to bask in the warmth of knowing at least one search term for which their blog was hit #1. This is aside from the KLOG Google Campaign where were trying to make a certain term hit #1 (a term which has been updated, making the campaign a success - see the post for details, which I'll post after I post this so it may not be there just yet). I had already started on this task, and had found one for Susie involving a certain phrase that could be a new STD (you know, the one you get by smarmy dudes in bars saying things like, "You daddy must be a thief... He took the stars from the skies and put them in your eyes.")

With the craziness that has been my life lately, completing such a task in any reasonable amount of time started seeming quite daunting. (Do you see the list of blogs over there on the left? That's not even all of the ones I read; update needed!!) Then, after a significant of time away from Blog World, I noticed when I came back that the subject of the #1 Google Search Term was already prevelent on the minds of some bloggers (see Doc Ern and Snick-r-Snack for starters). Also, I kind of want to jump on the bandwagon of bloggers having a regular group participation activity by starting up mrtl monday (although I doubt I'll ever call it that - oh lord it's hard to be humble).

Since some of you have no clue how to get this information, I'm setting the #1 Google Search Term as next Monday's theme. That will give you time to get over to www.sitemeter.com and get yourselves set up. A reminder will be given later to post your favorite #1 search term on Monday the 30th.