mrtl

Florida can shove its reasonable doubt up its ass.

Caylee Anthony was only six months older than my Jem. Her pictures struck me; they looked so much alike at two year's of age.

I have my selfish moments, when my patience is tried, when I throw myself a pity party for things I can't do because I'm a parent and the girls have to come first, or for how hard parenting can be sometimes.

But this.

As I followed the news today, I was in a fight with Jem over a 102+ temperature that is as stubborn as she is. I just had to wake her up for another round of medicine after finding her temperature is still up there. That selfish part of me started to dread having to set an alarm to check again in four hours.

I can't believe that, even with years to prepare for this case, it wasn't strong enough to convince the jury.

When I think of nothing, I think of genitals.

Someday it'll come along
A thought to blog
And I'll write nice and long
This thought to blog

And when it comes my way
I'll take a note down right away

---

As usual, I think of plenty to write about, but then I get caught up in nothingness, or I reconsider the topic because of the had-to-be-there humor, or I forget, or I make a random note, like "restless genital syndrome," that I later come across and can't remember what I wanted to say about it.

The www.restlessgenitalsyndrome.com  website -- which *must* be legitimate and accurate if it has that url -- says that this syndrome has only been reported in women. I believe this. Others may want to argue that it's ridiculous to think that men can't have restless genital syndrome, too. Bullhonky! They absolutely have restless genitals. It's not a syndrome. It's being male.

::tangential warning about Wikipedia::
I'm already confused about this restless genital syndrome thing, so I probably shouldn't have clicked on the Wikipedia link.

Wikipedia's content is ridiculous. Who's writing this crap?

Wikipedia compares restless genital syndrome to priapism (that >4-hour erection for which men are warned to seek medical treatment lest they lose the ability to have an erection ever again). Restless genital syndrome (and no, I'm not going to use an acronym because I happen to enjoy writing it out) is not considered a threat to healthy and continued sexual activity. How could the two be related?

Investigating further, the Wikipedia page for priapism refers to clitoral erections. I don't believe "clitoral erection" is a legitimate medical term. Engorgement, yes, but "erect" suggests a bigger capability or usefulness. You'd never hear a woman talking about pitching a panty tent. I'm just saying.

::tangent to make superfluous complaint about spelling::
It's not "clitoras," so why isn't it "clitoril"? I have to look this up EVERY TIME.
::end tangent to make superfluous complaint about spelling::

I attempted to research the legitimacy of clitoral erections further with Google. I can't be convinced when the first five hits contain one of two YouTube videos (albeit an extremely scientific-looking animated video), Wikipedia's page on clitoral erection, a message board post, and two very NSFW sites. (To note, the sixth hit is Erect clitoris's Facebook page, which 79 people currently like.) I also can't be convinced if asking Alaskanmama, a nursing student with a much better understanding of medical terminology than I, made her laugh. Then again, I have to wonder if her description of the clitoris as "the regressed head of our neverpenis" is legitimate either. Maybe they haven't covered female genitalia yet. Maybe she's twelve regardless.

It would appear that the online medical community at least does not recognize clitoral erection as a thing. Let's move on. Here are those videos, in case you are curious.

WARNING: The following videos are very unsexy, but there will be related videos suggested after that are NSFW. They are totally useless in comparing an erect clitoris to a non-erect clitoris unless one opens two browser windows to show them side-by-side. (No, I did not try that.)
Clitoris - erect state
Clitoris - non erect state

Wikipedia also said that vibrations from mobile phones can aggravate restless genital syndrome. I can't believe Wikipedia allows such bunk to be published. Specifics! Where exactly is that phone being carried? Is there a special application? And what kind of phone is it? Does it come with a rabbit?

Don't trust that Wikipedia. It looks like a bunch of numbnuts are maintaining it. bah dum pum
::end tangential warning about Wikipedia::

Somewhere in the midst of ranting about Wikipedia, I remembered why I made the initial note in my list of blog topics in the first place. A while back I was looking up information on restless leg syndrome, which sometimes plagues me, and saw the reference for restless genital syndrome. When Arnold Swarshitimahavetolookthatupnowtoogger's shenanigans were in the news, I thought that his genitals must be restless. A silly thought, in retrospect. Certainly not worthy of a whole blog post.

Capture the Rapture

Having heard about the "Save the Date" billboards and being completely oblivious to our imminent destruction, I've avoided overwhelming myself with the details and instead focused on presumed protective measures. Since I don't know enough about what to expect and am thoroughly confused about the timing, I'm covering all perceived bases. It would probably be easier just to get more education on the matter, but this way it's much more entertaining.

I'm not even sure if the anticipated events this weekend apply to me. Crafty Girl says I'd be on the October guest list. It's all so confusing, having been raised in that religion that dangles everlasting life with forgiveness carrot for anyone who comes clean.

Pardon, I said "come."

That's what happens when I attempt to half-ass the research by looking at Wikipedia and my eyes instantly zero in on the word "snatch."

There are several reasons why I'm not feeling compelled to seek forgiveness (read this: why yes, I suppose I'm saying that I would sell my soul for these things):

• Justin Timberlake is hosting SNL. I am fantasizing that Zach GalifanowaycanIspellthat will make an appearance for a special "Rapture at Midnight" Lonely Island performance.
• In an unprecedented, newly-discovered perk of living closer to my parents, mister mrtl is taking the kids to spend the day with them while he goes golfing. They'll also be picking up the bikes we have stored in their garage. What shall I do? Why, I shall party like it may be the end of the world but not buying totally into it lest I feel guilty about not spending it with my family.
• I have a ticket to see Brandi Carlile in Anchorage in July with my BFF Alaskanmama.
• I haven't learned how to play the guitar yet. (Note to self to get one and start on Saturday to be prepared.)
• With the kids out of the house, I can have a dans parte and listen to whatever I want while playing with my Jesus Dress Up fridge magnets.
• The after parties being planned sound like way too much fun to miss, especially the one for post-Rapture looting. I've decided to focus on iTunes gift cards so I can get electronic versions of my cassette collection. I may have to get an early jump on this so I don't have to fast-foward through my cassettes for U2's "Until the End of the World" and REM's "It's the End of the World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)."

Preparative measures I'm taking include finding as many four-leaf clovers in my yard as possible. I scoff at envious, unlucky "friends" who insist that this means I live on a toxic waste site, even after finding five- and six-leaf clovers.

  

I was relieved to find clovers in my front and back yards, which gives me an added sense of security that I won't be snatched.

Still to be determined is what I'll have for a last meal. My first thought was to make a crock meal, but scrapped that when mister mrtl told me about his plans. It's too much food for just me, and if I don't have leftovers in the fridge and I'm snatched, the smell will be awful.

There most definitely will be pie. I'm still searching for local sources.

For a last drink, I'm considering a scratch margarita or a duck fart. Hell, if I'm leaving and don't have to drive, may as well have both. I'll get mini bottles so none goes to waste.

What's this about being snatched without clothes? I wanted to avoid shaving, so this detail is a pain in the ass. No, scratch that. I will *not* be getting waxed to prepare. How transparent of you, waxing industry! It's shocking that the card and flower industries aren't jumping on this, too.

If I'm naked, can I at least store necessities in orifices? It's safe to assume that Heaven has 3G and recharging capabilities, right?

Boxed and Vacuous

Today I spent an inordinate amount of time verifying what a vine I found growing in my back yard was after a pot-acquainted friend told me with all conviction that it most certainly was not pot.

 
 I think it's Virginia Creeper
Which makes me wonder WTF it's doing in South Carolina
But I'll respect its decision to creep here
And I'll say hi to Virginia for it.

Beyond that there's not much to do here. All of our stuff is boxed up to be packed into a truck on Monday for our move. The girls are terribly bored, having been banned from watching more television, with limited toys available, and having swum as much as they could bear in the freezing pool that they had happily helped me wipe out kitchen cabinets in an unnecessary attempt to persuade me that I should allow them to use.

And now I'm watching the White House Correspondence Dinner because I deleted all the stupid shit that I wasted time watching thinking I'd never have time to watch it and there's nothing else on. And I don't even need to watch it because WaPo's Chris Cillizza has the highlights covered, which means he's sitting behind Donald Trump, has posted a close-up picture of his hair, and is giving regular updates on Trump's reactions (smiles, claps, handshakes) to the festivities. Could I possibly be missing anything else? The only thing I've gained from watching any of it so far is seeing the ginger-bearded guy from "Modern Family" (I'm sorry I don't know your name, ginger-bearded guy from "Modern Family" - I should be a better fan. Say hey to Sofia for me!), thinking Geraldo Riviera really needs to put some wax in his stache, and believing that each attendee should have a name tag on their front and back that is large and legible. It's annoying to wonder who someone is when the camera is trained on him for so long only to learn when the commentators start up again that it's the president of C-SPAN. And no viewer should have to berate herself wondering if that's Aretha Franklin or Macy Gray or their love child. I know they look nothing alike; the lighting is bad and it's a partial profile.

::sigh::
Seth Meyers is hosting the WHCD, which tells me SNL is a rerun tonight. Confirmed. Rewatchable, but I'm sleepy and fluctuating between Aretha and Macy, which is a clear sign that it's time for bed. I'm a little paranoid that my dreams will be haunted.

----

Update

Just finished watching Seth Meyers at the WHCD. Thank goodness for DVR. He was great!

It's Friday! Friday! Ge'in Down on Friday!

You know for whom I don't feel sorry today? Rebecca Black.

Yes, she's getting ripped hard, but like Oscar Wilde said, "The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about." Many will be tuning in to see what she does next. I hope it's spectacular, but even if it's not, we're retro in the 80's now, so having some Debbie Gibson or Tiffany redux will do just fine. Besides, she's 13. There's time to milk this and improve.

::tangent to get lost in Epic Mullet Guy's eyes::
AM's hubby alerted me to Kyle Puccia's cover of "Friday." It's incredibly haunting, and very 80's with the mullet, and his dance moves and facial expressions are hysterical.

Also, he's offered a FREE DOWNLOAD today.

Please don't lose the mullet. Maybe the rat tail, but not the mullet.

::end tangent to get lost in Epic Mullet Guy's eyes::

No, I don't feel sorry AT ALL for Rebecca Black. I do feel sorry for the rapper in her video. Who is he? No one's talking about him because no one knows who the hell he is. Lack of foresight in the self-promotion department, sir. I'm sure he'll be trying to stake his claim soon enough; he's missing out on some personal appearance opportunities.

I also feel sorry for my thighs. In my attempts to choreograph the song yesterday, I did A LOT of squats. It was a workout I'm feeling today, especially going up and down the stairs. With Bug home sick and needing some coddling, the stairs were well attended. Ouch. But the dance? Damn I wish I were back in Anchorage because it'd make a damned fine flash mob.

The Ballad of Courageous Sir Kucinich

(sung to the tune of "The Ballad of Brave Sir Robin" in Monty Python and the Holy Grail)

Rep. Kucinich sues over olive pit in sandwich

Courageously Sir Kucinich rode forth to Capitol Hill
He was not afraid to eat, courageous Sir Kucinich!
He was not at all afraid to go to the cafeteria,
Cour-a-geous Sir Kucinich!
He was not the least bit scared to order a sandwich wrap,
Or to crunch an olive pit and not spit it out;
To break a tooth and require procedures;
Orally injured Sir Kucinich!

Unwholesome and quite nasty wrap;
Unfit for human consumption crap;
Feeding pits into his yap;
Loss of enjoyment for this chap;
Sue them, he's that kind of sap,
Courageous Sir Kucinich!

Talk about frivolous lawsuits. $150,000? Seriously? I cracked a tooth on a piece of Wrigley's years ago, but you didn't see me suing. There is a statute of limitations for this stuff, anyway, right?

This story has overcome me. I woke up this morning with the image of Kucinich chasing me with olives on his fingers. Creepy!

I'd love to believe that Kucinich has a goal here that is not entirely self-serving. As I mused on Facebook earlier:

There is going to be a congressional committee created to address the concerns raised here. There will be an uproar in this country as the dangers of olive pits are made known. People will not feel safe eating sandwich wraps alone. Sandwich shops offering wraps will be picketed. It will be anarchy. Mark my words.

You know why this happened? Child labor laws, which restrict the opportunity for a youngster present at said sandwich shops checking all olives for pits before the sandwiches are made. I bet this wouldn't happen in some other countries. The committee will surely recommend youth QA oversight to avoid future dental tragedies.

Speaking of child labor practices, once the olives have been fingered (aka boogered up) to be checked for pits, they could be tasked with ensuring that fries are loosely packaged. As I've said before, it should be a crime to not have straggler fries.

Kucinich is running in 2012, isn't he? Sandwich Reform shall be the platform.