mrtl

Win, Lose, or Laugh?

Bug's problem with losing has been a trait for a long time; I wouldn't doubt it's been addressed here or on her dusty blog. The girl is an extremely sore loser and will tend to over-celebrate her victories.

::tangent for parenting suggestion to mister mrtl::
Show Bug any victory dances you see during the Super Bowl, hon. I bet she'd want to make one up. Being the overachiever she is, she'll probably have to go and gather just the right dress up outfit and carefully plan out the choreography. Would there be music, or would she write her own song? Jem will probably want to help and offer to sing or make music for her, but there will be micromanagement issues that intercede, which will end up with them fighting. Jem will be kicked out of Bug's room, left crying loudly in the hallway picking stickers off of Bug's foam "DO NOT ENTER" door hanger. When Bug leaves to prepare her victory dance, be proactive and tell Jem to go to her room.
::end tangent for parenting suggestion to mister mrtl::

Jem loves to compete. She doesn't mind losing; it's the contest itself that matters most, and the contest can be done over and over and over again with endless energy and stamina. If Jem were a dog she would be a border collie.

This morning brought a great example of Bug's inability to let even the smallest victories go. Both girls struggled to leave their warm and cozy beds to get ready for school. Checking in on Jem, I found her slithering off her bed headfirst to the floor. By way of positive reinforcement, I cheered, "Yay! Jem's out of bed! You win!" which only got her psyched up to jump up and bounce around. I supposed that's her victory dance.

I headed downstairs at this point to get lunches put together. A few minutes later, Bug appeared, looking solemn through her eyebrows and with arms crossed. Very Seriously and with little inflection she says, "Mommy. I won the Getting Dressed contest, and Jem's still laying in the hallway in her towel." Her look told me clearly that she expected full props for this victory. She had pummelled her sister in the Getting Dressed contest, but was not going to go so low as to beg for the pat on the back.

You know how parents often find themselves saying, "It took all of my strength not to laugh"? This was not one of those moments. It wasn't going to be contained. I laughed so hard, telling her she totally kicked Jem's butt in the Getting Dressed contest and it was obvious that she expected me to acknowledge her achievement.

At that moment, we hear from Jem upstairs, "My butt is windy."

I should also stand to mention that Bug's current self-directed project is writing Knock Knock jokes. She's making an attempt to make people laugh intentionally, but they're really bad. She works on these in the van while we're driving to and from school, already figuring out the importance of a captive audience. This morning she headed into non-Knock Knock territory, making a play on a joke Jem had just shared. She always says it wrong, but will not accept any input to correct it.

Jem's Joke: Why did the police officer arrest the football player? He was trying to steal second base.

Jem's Intended Joke: Why did the police officer arrest the baseball player? He was trying to steal second base.

Bug's New Joke: Why did the police officer arrest the football player? He was trying to steal the ball from another player.

Someone needs a laugh track.

It's All Crap (if you need it all tied together... not that you'd tie crap together... unless you're a sick, sick person)

At Christmas, Bug made a bunch of signs to decorate her room. Included was one reading "JEASUS." She said that Jesus is the reason for Christmas, and the sign was a reminder of that. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

::tangent to pat mister mrtl on the back::
Kudos to mister mrtl for his restraint in not lecturing Bug about research done showing that Jesus was more likely born in the summer and the alignment of Pagan festivals with Christianism. If it was mentioned in passing, there was no PowerPoint presentation involved. Not like mister mrtl likes to create PowerPoint presentations to review information with the girls, though that would be highly entertaining.
::end tangent to pat mister mrtl on the back::

It was only a matter of time before her attendance at a Christian school led to some conditioning, as shown in her desire to have her own copy of the Bible for her birthday. We've maintained with her that she can believe as she wants, and that we will love and support her no matter what. So long as she doesn't make people who think differently feel that they're wrong or bad for not agreeing with her.

::tangent to add mental note to mister mrtl::
Since the book about world religions order never was filled, we really should look for another.
::end tangent to add mental note to mister mrtl::

Bug's conviction usually only appears around holidays. We know that there's regular religious content (blessings for meals, prayers, and chapel), it's surprising that we don't hear more regularly. She doesn't ask to do blessings at meals, and she's never asked if we can go to church. (I believe she would have asked if she was interested. She's been to services with my parents, which probably explains her lack of interest here. Roman Catholic services haven't changed much since I was a kid, and they're certainly not the most riveting.)

Anyway, this post wasn't about Bug's religion, but moreso about her ability to think differently and not feel conflicted about thinking differently than her parents. It is why I have been so thrilled to hear that, despite several commercials advertising the release of Justin Bieber's life story next month, she has made it very clear that she Does Not want to see it.

Hopefully I don't jinx myself in talking about this. The power of advertising can be very strong, as seen the first time the girls walked down the "As Seen on TV" aisle at Walgreen's. OMG OMG OMG! Fusigi! Big Top Cupcake! Bump It! Their glee in seeing -- touching the boxes of -- all these mystical products they'd only seen in commercials was akin to the giddiness of the children entering Willy Wonka's factory. The spell was only broken when Bug questioned one product that she'd never seen on TV:

Bug: "What's a Booty Pop, Mommy?"
mrtl: "It's something women put in their pants to make their butts look bigger."
Jem: "HAHAHAHHAH! You said, 'BUUUUUTTT!!'"
Bug: "Why would they want their butts to look bigger?"
Jem: "They look like they have POOPY in their BUTTS!"
Bug and Jem: ::dancing with butts back and forth:: "Booty! Booty! Booty! My butt is so big!! I've got poopy in my butt!!"

The Power of Smell

While driving the girls to school this morning:

Bug: "I smell something nasty!! It smells like poop."

mrtl: "Is someone windy?"

Bug: "I'm not!"

Jem: "I'm not windy! I don't have a stinky buuuttt! AAAAAHAHAHAHA!"

a few minutes later

mrtl: "Bug, do you still smell that smell?"

Bug: "Well, not really. Only when I breathe in."

mrtl: laughing "You're too funny!"

Bug: hardened "I meant when I breathe in through my nose."

::tangent for a side note::
Bug does not like to be laughed at unless she is trying to be funny or silly. If she says something unintentionally amusing, she thinks people are laughing at her and gets very butt sore. She's even cried. Mister mrtl and I are constantly trying to thicken her skin over this, because her buttons are so obvious sometimes that there will surely be kids who take full advantage. This was one of those moments I wasn't going to press the point, because I didn't want her to enter school in tears. Don't judge me. I'm still a very mean mommy.
::end tangent for side note::

mrtl: "I see."

Jem: "I smell boogers."

The source of the smell is still unknown, but I cleaned the trash out of the van as a precaution.

Bug's Future as a Country Music Star

In response to my telling Jem that she is driving me nuts, Bug broke into a spontaneous ditty she titled, "I'm Driving You Peanuts in a Pickup Truck." I'd write the lyrics, but it was just her repeating, "I'm driving you peanuts" several times before adding "in a pickup truck."

Bringin' 'Em Up Right

Bug, watching "Tom and Jerry," sees the scene in which Jerry is stuck in a soda pop bottle. Tom shakes the bottle and Jerry is concerned.

To me, she says, "Mommy, Jerry's about to explode. I don't mean in his pants, but out of the soda bottle."

Bugs Say the Funniest Things

"It's a good thing she brought her breasts." ~ Bug, regarding a breastfeeding Mama at our house the other night.

"I want mac and cheese in my burrito." ~ Jem, in response to what she wanted for dinner the other night. 

Over Waffles

Jem was talking over Bug at breakfast. She wasn't even talking really, but doing this really super annoying, "AHH! EHHH! AAAAAAAAH!" shit that Bug totally didn't appreciate because she was trying to say something to me. Bug says, "Be quiet, Jem! Stop acting like such a queen."

My heart almost burst with pride. I asked where she had heard that one. She said that she had just made it up, that Jem was trying to keep everyone from talking and acting like she was in charge, like a queen. Makes sense. Jem was wearing her princess shirt, so I made a comment that she was acting much more like a queen than a princess.

Then Bug went on a little tangent (sweet - gets that from me for sure) about how if a queen has a daughter it's a princess and if she has a son it's a prince, and something about them growing up and getting married. Whoa! Brothers and sisters don't marry. That ain't right. She conceded, and went on to say that she would not be able to marry Jem when they're older even if they weren't sisters because they were both girls and even if they did, they wouldn't be able to have children because there was no daddy around.

So then the conversation briefly turned to one about gay marriage rights (she says that it's mean to say that gay couples can't marry) and then onto a rather engaging discussion about adoption and surrogate parenting. She'd never heard of such things. How can those things happen? I tried to keep this as simple as possible, saying doctors can do amazing things these days -- taking what was needed from the daddy and putting it in the right place in the mommy, -- because she's not quite old enough to understand and appreciate the beauty of the utilization of a turkey baster for this purpose (see below).

Even though I'm sure it would make for an entertaining reaction, I'm hoping she won't try to share this conversation with her classmates and teacher.

----

Date: Sun, 16 May 93 18:58:05 PDT
To: Fun_People
Subject: New uses for home utensils

From: Keith Bostic
From: Lafayette Journal and Courier, May 11, 1993  Page A2

"Gee whiz, Ma, it's a Rubbermaid"

By The Associated Press

Raleigh, N.C. -  A woman who volunteered to have a baby for her sister - and conceived using a turkey baster and doing a headstand - gave birth on Mother's Day.

The baby, John Franklin Wittle, was born at Rex Hospital in Raleigh, weighing in at 7 pounds, 12 ounces.  His aunt, Julie Johnson, 34, a single Navy lieutenant, endured a 20-hour labor to give her sister and brother-in-law a baby.

The sister, Janet Johnson had failed to become pregnant using more scientific means.  So she sterilized a $2.95 kitchen baster in the dishwasher, got her husband, Mark Wittle, to make his genetic contribution, then carried it to her sister.

Julie Johnson inseminated herself twice in August with Wittle's semen.  She stood on her head each time, while leaning against a wall.

Waiting...

... for the girls to notice that I snuck M&Ms in the bottom of the bowls of popcorn. Bug's already asked me why I didn't put cheese or anything in the popcorn.

---

She's asking again, demanding an answer. I told her I'm not Smartfood and don't make popcorn that way. She still has half a bowl before hitting bottom, but she's put the bowl down.

---

"Mommy? How did Jem find an M&M? Did you put M&Ms in the bottom of the bowls? Hey! I have M&Ms in my bowl. Did you know there were M&Ms in our bowls, Mommy?

Only proving that candy causes distorted thinking.

Mind Over Gutter

Bug has been invited to a bowling birthday party, and since she had not one speck of a clue what bowling is, I thought it prudent to take her to the lanes and try tossing a few.

::aside against watching bowling on tv::
Hell no, I wasn't going to show her bowling on tv. The last time I watched TV, there was a whole lot of this:

I wasn't about to subject my daughter to those antics. Could you imagine her pulling a stunt like that at the party? Gads!

And no, I usually don't watch bowling on tv. Channel surfing, I saw this pompous bowling ass and was instantly mesmerized to watch the trainwreck. I suppose that's the point.
::end aside against watching bowling on tv::

Her form looked pretty spectacular...

...but instead of coming through from underneath, she roundhoused the ball into the neighboring lane. I told her that can't happen without giving the person a strike.

Jem got in on the bowling action as well. She tended to drop the ball at the line, so if it made it down to the pins -- employees had to help that effort a couple times -- it was sllloooow going. To illustrate this point, you can see that, in Figure 1 Jem is watching and pointing at her ball. In Figure 2, the ball has not gone much farther, yet she's had time to turn around and smile at the camera. Also, check the neighbor kid's ball in both. mwahahahaha!

Figure 1

Figure 2

I'm so glad we had the opportunity to cover some basics of bowling etiquette and safety. Today Bug had her chance to almost smoosh her fingers getting her ball off the return, run across several lanes (some in play) when returning from the snack bar, know how many turns she got (and to wait patiently for hers), understand the difference between a strike and a spare, how to wait when neighboring bowlers are in play, and how to avoid falling on her ass with the slippery shoes.

Still trying to figure out how Jem didn't knock down any pins on her first go. I'm actually quite proud of my score. I didn't use the bumpers like the kids did.

The True Secret to Monster Removal

Since we've been back from Maryland, there's only been one night involving monsters. It was Sunday, the first night that the girls started rooming together. Bug came out shortly after going to bed, insisting there were monsters in there. They were under the bed. I insisted they were not. I was all over every square foot of that room that day, rearranging and vaccuuming. Not only did I see no monsters, but no evidence of monsters (like monster poop). Since the alarm was on, there's no way a monster could come into the house without our knowing.

She was not convinced. She started doing that sniffy nose thing she does to threaten the imminent onset of tears. "Mommy," ::sniff:: "I really" ::sniff:: "KNOW that there" ::sniff sniff:: "are monsters in there!" ::sniff:: ::shake head:: "I can't sleep!" ::lip starting to protrude - immediate invasive action required::

I hugged her and told her I'd lay down with her. She slumped down the hall, still obviously bothered at the thought of sleeping with all those monsters under her bed. She pouted as we cuddled up under the blankets, keeping sad eye contact with me.

Then there was snoring. Jem, now about six feet away, was sideways next to her pillows, her head angled up onto them. Her mouth was contorted and open, her soft snoring loud enough to hear over the crickets chirping from the sound-making alarm clock.

I started to giggle and encouraged Bug to check her out. She couldn't help but smile at the sight. I jumped at the distraction.

"She loves you soooo much. She wants to do everything you do."

"She does?"

"She totally does! You know today when you got mad at me about going downstairs for lunch when you weren't hungry and you 'humphed' at me?"

"Yeah. I wanted to play more."

"Right. You crossed your arms in front of you, 'humphed,' and started down. Jem was right behind you, and she 'humphed,' too and crossed her arms like this." ::crossing arms terribly wonky-like, with one arm almost straight:: "I wanted to laugh at her, but I didn't because I knew you'd think I was laughing at you and get even more mad at me."

"Actually, I probably would have thought you were laughing at me. That would be mean."

"It's great how much she loves you, and she learns a lot from you."

"I teach her how to do a lot of things, like setting the table, and using her manners, and brushing her teeth."

"You are an awesome big sister. And you know what may happen now that you're in the same room?"

"What"

"She may wake up scared in the middle of the night and come to you instead of coming out to me and Daddy. You might have to act like the mommy so she's not scared."

"How do I do that?"

"You give her hugs, and comfort her, tell her everything is going to be all right. If you'd like, you can let her stay with you in your bed, or you can go into her bed with her."

"I would let her sleep next to the wall so she doesn't fall out of the bed."

"That's a good idea. See? You're such a great big sister. I love you."

"I love you, too, Mommy."

"You better get to sleep so you can wake up for school tomorrow!"

"Ok. And if Jem wakes up scared, I'll take care of her."

No monsters have been perceived since, and we never had to dig out the Go Away Spray.