mrtl

Bug's Future as a Country Music Star

In response to my telling Jem that she is driving me nuts, Bug broke into a spontaneous ditty she titled, "I'm Driving You Peanuts in a Pickup Truck." I'd write the lyrics, but it was just her repeating, "I'm driving you peanuts" several times before adding "in a pickup truck."

Bringin' 'Em Up Right

Bug, watching "Tom and Jerry," sees the scene in which Jerry is stuck in a soda pop bottle. Tom shakes the bottle and Jerry is concerned.

To me, she says, "Mommy, Jerry's about to explode. I don't mean in his pants, but out of the soda bottle."

Bugs Say the Funniest Things

"It's a good thing she brought her breasts." ~ Bug, regarding a breastfeeding Mama at our house the other night.

"I want mac and cheese in my burrito." ~ Jem, in response to what she wanted for dinner the other night. 

Over Waffles

Jem was talking over Bug at breakfast. She wasn't even talking really, but doing this really super annoying, "AHH! EHHH! AAAAAAAAH!" shit that Bug totally didn't appreciate because she was trying to say something to me. Bug says, "Be quiet, Jem! Stop acting like such a queen."

My heart almost burst with pride. I asked where she had heard that one. She said that she had just made it up, that Jem was trying to keep everyone from talking and acting like she was in charge, like a queen. Makes sense. Jem was wearing her princess shirt, so I made a comment that she was acting much more like a queen than a princess.

Then Bug went on a little tangent (sweet - gets that from me for sure) about how if a queen has a daughter it's a princess and if she has a son it's a prince, and something about them growing up and getting married. Whoa! Brothers and sisters don't marry. That ain't right. She conceded, and went on to say that she would not be able to marry Jem when they're older even if they weren't sisters because they were both girls and even if they did, they wouldn't be able to have children because there was no daddy around.

So then the conversation briefly turned to one about gay marriage rights (she says that it's mean to say that gay couples can't marry) and then onto a rather engaging discussion about adoption and surrogate parenting. She'd never heard of such things. How can those things happen? I tried to keep this as simple as possible, saying doctors can do amazing things these days -- taking what was needed from the daddy and putting it in the right place in the mommy, -- because she's not quite old enough to understand and appreciate the beauty of the utilization of a turkey baster for this purpose (see below).

Even though I'm sure it would make for an entertaining reaction, I'm hoping she won't try to share this conversation with her classmates and teacher.

----

Date: Sun, 16 May 93 18:58:05 PDT
To: Fun_People
Subject: New uses for home utensils

From: Keith Bostic
From: Lafayette Journal and Courier, May 11, 1993  Page A2

"Gee whiz, Ma, it's a Rubbermaid"

By The Associated Press

Raleigh, N.C. -  A woman who volunteered to have a baby for her sister - and conceived using a turkey baster and doing a headstand - gave birth on Mother's Day.

The baby, John Franklin Wittle, was born at Rex Hospital in Raleigh, weighing in at 7 pounds, 12 ounces.  His aunt, Julie Johnson, 34, a single Navy lieutenant, endured a 20-hour labor to give her sister and brother-in-law a baby.

The sister, Janet Johnson had failed to become pregnant using more scientific means.  So she sterilized a $2.95 kitchen baster in the dishwasher, got her husband, Mark Wittle, to make his genetic contribution, then carried it to her sister.

Julie Johnson inseminated herself twice in August with Wittle's semen.  She stood on her head each time, while leaning against a wall.

Waiting...

... for the girls to notice that I snuck M&Ms in the bottom of the bowls of popcorn. Bug's already asked me why I didn't put cheese or anything in the popcorn.

---

She's asking again, demanding an answer. I told her I'm not Smartfood and don't make popcorn that way. She still has half a bowl before hitting bottom, but she's put the bowl down.

---

"Mommy? How did Jem find an M&M? Did you put M&Ms in the bottom of the bowls? Hey! I have M&Ms in my bowl. Did you know there were M&Ms in our bowls, Mommy?

Only proving that candy causes distorted thinking.

Mind Over Gutter

Bug has been invited to a bowling birthday party, and since she had not one speck of a clue what bowling is, I thought it prudent to take her to the lanes and try tossing a few.

::aside against watching bowling on tv::
Hell no, I wasn't going to show her bowling on tv. The last time I watched TV, there was a whole lot of this:

I wasn't about to subject my daughter to those antics. Could you imagine her pulling a stunt like that at the party? Gads!

And no, I usually don't watch bowling on tv. Channel surfing, I saw this pompous bowling ass and was instantly mesmerized to watch the trainwreck. I suppose that's the point.
::end aside against watching bowling on tv::

Her form looked pretty spectacular...

...but instead of coming through from underneath, she roundhoused the ball into the neighboring lane. I told her that can't happen without giving the person a strike.

Jem got in on the bowling action as well. She tended to drop the ball at the line, so if it made it down to the pins -- employees had to help that effort a couple times -- it was sllloooow going. To illustrate this point, you can see that, in Figure 1 Jem is watching and pointing at her ball. In Figure 2, the ball has not gone much farther, yet she's had time to turn around and smile at the camera. Also, check the neighbor kid's ball in both. mwahahahaha!

Figure 1

Figure 2

I'm so glad we had the opportunity to cover some basics of bowling etiquette and safety. Today Bug had her chance to almost smoosh her fingers getting her ball off the return, run across several lanes (some in play) when returning from the snack bar, know how many turns she got (and to wait patiently for hers), understand the difference between a strike and a spare, how to wait when neighboring bowlers are in play, and how to avoid falling on her ass with the slippery shoes.

Still trying to figure out how Jem didn't knock down any pins on her first go. I'm actually quite proud of my score. I didn't use the bumpers like the kids did.

The True Secret to Monster Removal

Since we've been back from Maryland, there's only been one night involving monsters. It was Sunday, the first night that the girls started rooming together. Bug came out shortly after going to bed, insisting there were monsters in there. They were under the bed. I insisted they were not. I was all over every square foot of that room that day, rearranging and vaccuuming. Not only did I see no monsters, but no evidence of monsters (like monster poop). Since the alarm was on, there's no way a monster could come into the house without our knowing.

She was not convinced. She started doing that sniffy nose thing she does to threaten the imminent onset of tears. "Mommy," ::sniff:: "I really" ::sniff:: "KNOW that there" ::sniff sniff:: "are monsters in there!" ::sniff:: ::shake head:: "I can't sleep!" ::lip starting to protrude - immediate invasive action required::

I hugged her and told her I'd lay down with her. She slumped down the hall, still obviously bothered at the thought of sleeping with all those monsters under her bed. She pouted as we cuddled up under the blankets, keeping sad eye contact with me.

Then there was snoring. Jem, now about six feet away, was sideways next to her pillows, her head angled up onto them. Her mouth was contorted and open, her soft snoring loud enough to hear over the crickets chirping from the sound-making alarm clock.

I started to giggle and encouraged Bug to check her out. She couldn't help but smile at the sight. I jumped at the distraction.

"She loves you soooo much. She wants to do everything you do."

"She does?"

"She totally does! You know today when you got mad at me about going downstairs for lunch when you weren't hungry and you 'humphed' at me?"

"Yeah. I wanted to play more."

"Right. You crossed your arms in front of you, 'humphed,' and started down. Jem was right behind you, and she 'humphed,' too and crossed her arms like this." ::crossing arms terribly wonky-like, with one arm almost straight:: "I wanted to laugh at her, but I didn't because I knew you'd think I was laughing at you and get even more mad at me."

"Actually, I probably would have thought you were laughing at me. That would be mean."

"It's great how much she loves you, and she learns a lot from you."

"I teach her how to do a lot of things, like setting the table, and using her manners, and brushing her teeth."

"You are an awesome big sister. And you know what may happen now that you're in the same room?"

"What"

"She may wake up scared in the middle of the night and come to you instead of coming out to me and Daddy. You might have to act like the mommy so she's not scared."

"How do I do that?"

"You give her hugs, and comfort her, tell her everything is going to be all right. If you'd like, you can let her stay with you in your bed, or you can go into her bed with her."

"I would let her sleep next to the wall so she doesn't fall out of the bed."

"That's a good idea. See? You're such a great big sister. I love you."

"I love you, too, Mommy."

"You better get to sleep so you can wake up for school tomorrow!"

"Ok. And if Jem wakes up scared, I'll take care of her."

No monsters have been perceived since, and we never had to dig out the Go Away Spray.

Sleeping with Children

Every night we've been in Maryland, I've ended up with a child in my bed. There's a sweetness to this, but there are several drawbacks. First, they are hot. Too hot. Little furnaces. They like to be close. The combination of close and hot drives me to the edge of the bed. On the edge of the bed, I'm stuck in place. Inevitably I wake up with major cramping. When sleeping with Jem, the closeness usually involves my ribs. Either her toes or her head dig into my ribs. This is extremely uncomfortable.

Tonight Bug is in my bed. I sent her there when Jem had a meltdown at bedtime (they are sharing a room here). I'm sure she's going to be in the middle of the bed when I get up there. At least she doesn't snore anymore. Or drool. The snoring and the drooling were apparently related.

+: Totally relaxing day today. Spent my lazy ass on the most comfortable chair in the house knitting (including a mini snout - squeee!). And there was pie.

Rising in the Ranks

Because she doesn't have school tomorrow, I told Bug tonight that she could stay up late and read books or play her video game.

She came out to report to me that she had reached another level of greatness on her princess game. She has gone from "Young Maiden" to "Little Lady" to "Mistress Fair," and is now a "Little Princess."

Me: So what's next?
She: Next I'll be a "Little Princess in Waiting"!
Me: waiting for what?
She: I don't know.
Me: What would you like to wait for?
She: Backyardigans

Candy Fest 2008

I like candy! I eat it! In my mouth!

Today we had some guests over to decorate gingerbread cookies and mock gingerbread houses (made with graham crackers, that is). More candy went into mouths than the cookies. You see above that Jem had quite a few M&Ms on her cookie; more were added, along with some gummy bears, before she scraped it all off with her spoon. I'm sure she tried to eat the cookie, too, but those things were petrified. I won't be sharing the recipe unless someone needs one for ornaments.

The houses came out fabulous. Bug had a snowman in her lush, green yard, but she ate it. I put her cookie there but am finding it creepy after watching "20/20" tonight.

She didn't eat her tree, but donated hers to Jem after Jem inhaled hers. I'm not looking forward to the sight of green poop.

Post-inhalation remark: Mommy! I sticky!

This was my first time having anyone over to the house since moving here; it's odd to think that I was having friends over at least once a week for a while there in Alaska. I just haven't felt that comfortable here, and haven't felt the house was ready for visitors. I need to get over that, and am glad that today went so well, and that I pulled it off. I've turned into quite the slacker, you see, and was stressing out so much over the list of all the little things that needed to be done before our guests arrived. Not only did all of that get done, I had time to relax with a great cup of coffee and bake the gingerbread men at the last minute. Bug was in charge of the cookie cutter and managed to place a clump of brown sugar just right to give me a snicker.

I named him Wee Willy.

Now before anyone tries to argue with me, saying that it looks much more like a belly button, or that I must now know what a penis looks like, let me share with a clear example that there must be something in the water here that allows people to see things that aren't really there.

Dude was eating shelled peanuts at Logan's the other day and damned if he didn't find Jesus. Dude's insane. It's obviously Jack Black.