mrtl

I miss my husband. Can you tell?

This morning Steve helped me wake the girls. Bug would later ask me not to use Steve to wake her up. Mental note to clarify whether this was because she didn't like his singing of, "Get up, you sleepyhead! Haul your heiny out of bed!" or being prodded in the side with his head.

She asked me if she could tell Steve what to say. I told her I wasn't ready to share him yet. (Actual answer: MINE!)

She told me that she was going to tell Daddy that I like another boy. I told her he already knew ALL about Steve.

She told me that she didn't think adults were supposed to play with dolls. I told her that was inaccurate.

She told me -- knowing I am a bit annoyed with Big Time Rush (How pretentious of them to think they are bigger than Rush!) -- that Steve looks a lot like the guy from Big Time Rush that sings first in their "Boyfriend" video.

 
She has a point.
How perfect that his name is Kendall!

She told me that she didn't like Steve because I like him more than I like her and started to cry. Real tears. I told her to eat her breakfast.

She wasn't entertained AT ALL when I used Steve as a microphone to sing Dead or Alive's "You Spin Me Right Round (Like a Record)" on the way to school. We even danced for her, in full, uninhibited view of other drivers.

Where did she learn this mastering of manipulation? Of course I was a sucker for it. When we pulled up to the curb at school, I held Steve up and asked her what she wanted Steve to say to me all day. She beamed and told him, "I don't like music." After hopping happily out of the van, she flashed me several signed "I love you's" and an extra wave for good measure.

What a booger.

Steve's batteries were thus saved till tomorrow morning. I can't wait to hear what Jem tells him. She enjoyed her "Gummy Bears!" and "STEVE!!" prods this morning, but anything having to do with butts is a safer bet.

Good thing I have satellite radio, which was turned on the second I got home from dropping off the girls. The classic R&B Groove station is the best, and I knew it'd only be a matter of time before Luther Vandross told me what I wanted to hear.

Teddy Pendergrass beat him to it with "Close the Door." Perfect!

Close the door
Let me give you what you've been waiting for
Baby I got so much love to give
I wanna give it all to you

Close the door
No need to worry no more
Let's bring this day to a pleasant end
Girl it's me and you now
I've waited all day long just to hold you in my arms
And it's exactly like I thought it would be
Me loving you and you loving me

Close the door
Let me rub your back where you say it's sore
Come on get closer
So close to me
Let's get lost in each other
Come here baby

I've waited all day long just to hold you in my arms
And it's exactly like I thought it would be
Me loving you and you loving me

Close the door baby
And let me know you're mine
Plenty good lovin' all through the night
And then again and then again
When the morning comes

My Daughters Covet My Boyfriend

Today the girls and I went on a mission. It was dangerous, considering the peeping squirrel that sat on a high branch and watched me pee last week through the bathroom window was found gnawing and scritching at another bathroom window today. I tried to scare him away by tapping on the window. Impudent little bastard just sat up and glared back at me before resuming his extraordinary efforts to get inside. Surely he would scurry through any opened door to eat me.

 

 

 
He knows I'm nuts.

This extreme act of bravery was to go to Walmart. The girls had unused gift cards to use to each get a toy. Jem, more than a little peeved that Bug was allowed to use her slush fund to buy herself an American Girl doll, wanted to trump it with a pink Power Ranger (Mia, her new imaginary friend and so much better than Bug's doll, which she hasn't even gotten yet since it's being mailed). She soon forgot about Mia when she met Walmart's version of the American Girl doll. She gasped! She swooned! She tossed her unceremoniously in the cart and resumed asking for everything else she fancied (read that: everything else she saw).

::Beauty tangent::
Beauty (Jem's doll) wears all purple, giving her purple power. She can shoot fire out of her fingers that kills bad guys. She likes Jem to kiss her a lot, but then tells Jem that she's going to beat her up. I don't think I should be letting them sleep together.
::end Beauty tangent::

The toy aisle stands as one of the best indoor time killers. It has mysterious powers, too. Children will forget how hungry they are, or how much their legs hurt from walking, or how they're so booooored of following Mom around, or how annoying their sibling is. Even if there with a guaranteed purchase, behavior will be exceptional in the hopes of possibly getting something more.

I was just grateful the girls were happily distracted while I checked out the creepy Barbies. Some poor kid out there is going to end up with a collection of half-breasted Barbies.

 
 This is worse than my old Tuesday doll, which had a rotating scalp so she could be blonde or brunette. 

 

Averting my eyes from these mutants, I first saw my new man. He came with the name "Ken," but I'm going to rename him. My brain is still chewing on bull penis limericks, so figuring out his new name will have to wait. No offense to any Ken's out there; I have no attached mental imagery, which is just a waste.

 

He had me at "I LOVE pie!" but I didn't tell him to stop.

It's troubling that this toy is recommended for children five and up with the things that come out of his mouth.

It's more troubling that he doesn't run on rechargeable batteries.

::tangent for thought on name::
His voice reminds me a lot of Steve the monkey from Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs, and it's uncanny that he does love to talk about gummy bears.

Why am I not disturbed that I'm not disturbed at this mental imagery?
::end tangent for thought on name::

In case you're wondering why Steve shouldn't be around small children:

• He enjoys bondage, and he struggled against coming out of the box. I just about cut myself getting him out of there.
• He calls me Miss Jackson.
• He keeps telling me to take his clothes off. To be honest, I don't care much for his outfit and thought I might have to switch out his clothes with Kevin's.
  
   
  On second thought...
• He told me to ignore the choking hazard on his packaging, that I should be careful.
• He wants me to carry him in my waistband, upside down.

---

Update: Jem just came out and asked if she could take Beauty downstairs to sleep. She is scared of her and doesn't want her to shoot fire at her. Beauty sleeps by the back door.

Yay for Pie!

UPDATE 2/5
The hasty pudding was supernom. No one else in the house likes it, so it's all mine. Woo! (Just in time for me to gain 20 pounds going off my meds!) I haven't placed the taste yet, but I've had something similar before. Thinking England, but I'll have to look around and ask my mother if it's familiar. She's got elephantitus of the memory, you know.

While the pudding was in the oven, I had a sidebar with She about how saying, "I'm making hasty pudding" was most definitely NOT a euphemism, that it wasn't flan made with sperm, that I was FEEDING IT TO MY CHILDREN. While taking it out of the oven I realized that I'd forgotten to add the maple syrup. Pouring it on top of the hasty pudding made it look WAY too flan-like, which wouldn't do at all. I had to mix it in. 

~~~~~~

Tomorrow night Jay Leno is going to be awarded the title of Harvard's Hasty Pudding 2011 Man of the Year. Preparations are in order, so I'm posting this today.

I'm not going to invest myself in the WTF'upedness of this. Rather, I'm going to give Harvard the benefit of the doubt that this isn't an attempt to insult Conan O'Brien. They have plans. They needed to get Leno there. What better trap than to tell him that he's being given an award? Who can resist an award? Of COURSE he'll have to BE THERE to accept his award!!

Festivities shall involve a roast. I know it's not a real roast, but can still imagine Leno bound up with an apple in his mouth like a suckling pig. This will keep him quiet and unable to escape.

Hopefully the event will also include surprise guests, like O'Brien streaking the stage to throw hasty pudding pies at Jay. Sofia Vergara should be present also, to provide commentary. "Oh, Yay! He's been hit with the pudding!"

It's unfortunate that I can't find anything online saying the event will be telecast. ::sigh:: Best bring it to life on my own. In case anyone has an inclination to create a diarama to play out their own fantastical version of the roast at home, following are some key items you'll need:

• Picture(s) of Leno

Watching Out
 
Unsuspecting
 

• Picture(s) of O'Brien

A Pie in Each Hand
 
A Pie with Both Hands (I don't have time to photoshop Wilson out for you. Make it work.)
 
Ready for Dramatic Monologue After Throwing Pies
 
If you would rather BE Conan, I'd suggest modifying the directions for this adorable Santa mask. Find instructions at this website.
 

• Picture(s) of Vergara - OMG you'll just have to Google her yourself. I'm a little flushed and short of breath seeing those.
• Popsicle sticks and glue to make puppets with pictures if that's the route you're taking.
• Hasty pudding. The recipe copied below was found here. Don't follow the recipe to the letter, though. You wouldn't want Leno to actually enjoy getting any of it in his mouth. Salt and nutmeg would be good candidates for excessive additives.
• Orange food die. I'd recommend adding this to the pudding as a special, personal touch.
• Pre-made pie shells. I don't know how well the pudding will set if it's allowed to cool, but does that matter?

~~~~~

Hasty Pudding
Serves 4

This pudding recipe was originally brought over from England was called “Indian Pudding” when it was made in Colonial America since cornmeal was cheaper and more readily available.  As a British dish, it was a quick pudding to make using a sweetened porridge made from flour, tapioca or oatmeal and milk.  Here the recipe was transformed to use local ingredients -- cornmeal, molasses or maple syrup and milk.  But because it uses cornmeal, it’s anything but “hasty” since it requires 2 hours to bake.  But the wait is worth it!  If you want to be truly authentic, serve as an appetizer.

2 cups milk
2 cups light cream
3 tablespoons stone ground yellow cornmeal
½ cup brown sugar
½ cup maple syrup
1 tablespoon butter
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1 teaspoon ginger
½ teaspoon salt
1/8 teaspoon nutmeg
Pinch ground cloves
1/8 teaspoon baking soda
2 eggs, beaten

In a heavy pan scald milk and cream.  Gradually sprinkle with yellow cornmeal and bring to a boil, stirring briskly.  Stir in sugar, maple syrup, butter and all the other dry ingredients.  Let the mixture cool slightly. 

In a small bowl beat the eggs with the milk/cream mixture.  Pour the batter into a buttered 1 ½ quart baking dish and bake in a moderately slow oven (325 degrees F) for 2 hours. 

Serve hot or warm with whipped cream or ice cream if desired.

Gettin' Jizzy Wit It

I'd almost given up on Saturday Night Live, but it appears to be making a great comeback this year. I'm just finishing up last night's episode and am greatly pleasured by this short.

Playing with Pasta

Go forth and have fun.

My Trophy

It all started when a fellow Mama casually mentioned the secret ingredient in the oh-so-delicious margarita of limey goodness. AM took it to task to procure this ingredient for our upcoming overnighter playdate (our daughters are the bestest of friends, and have totally hounded us to have a sleepover, and we have caved to their demands, because they were way demanding and are too cute together, like at the hockey game last weekend...

...see what I'm talking about? How could anyone resist the cutest of this combination? So the girls twisted our arms and we gave in and said, "Well, shucks, if we HAVE to.") Besides, I needed a reason to test out the new blender with the margarita dispenser. You think I'm kidding? Check this baby out (and no, mine didn't cost that much). (Note to mister mrtl - the old blender was sacrificed while making a ever-so-yummy butternut squash soup for a Halloween party.)

Anyhoo, AM got all busy doing -- what? MOM stuff -- and dropped the ball on finding the secret ingredient, although in all fairness I should contend that she didn't really drop the ball, but bounced it around a few times and then put it down in a safe place to get to later, and then got a bit distracted by other, much lesser-priority tasks (I don't know what, diapers or dishes or more crack-ho sock knitting), and so when I asked her how the search was going and she hemmed and hawed just that least little bit that she had tried here and there and had yet to try hither and yon, I cracked my knuckles, slapped my cap, and pulled out my mad Googling skilz. I responded to her email with name, number, and link to a local distributor of said secret ingredient, to which AM responded with, "You are the magical goddess of the internet! I bow down to thee!" and later in IM "you're the bestest super sleuth you need a medal." Rather than a medal I asked for a trophy and shared with her the awesome link I found today while perusing boredatwork.com: http://www.addcaptions.com/.

And behold, my trophy:

If the margaritas are worthy, I shall post the secret ingredient. Stay tuned!

Weeee! A Live Blogging Event!

10:00 Today is the annual community garage sale. For the next four hours, I shall be trying to hawk my shite. It's bound to be a highly exciting day, folks! Come back, and don't forget to bring cash!

10:05 It's only 5 minutes in and I've made a whopping $74. I may not have time for much blogging afterall.

10:10ish How appropriate with how freakin' cold it is in the shadow of my house that "I've Got My Love to Keep Me Warm" is playing?

10:18 I'm cold.

10:19 Bradley's parents have cookies. I was thinking that it's an ingenius way of getting people up the driveway. Should I be surprised that they're selling them?

10:22 I'm going to rearrange stuff. Casting my net if you will.

10:42 If only the Alphabet Pal would go, this sale could be considered a complete success.

10:45 Bradley's mom stopped over to visit. She doesn't have cookies. Apologies.

10:53 I'M BORED! And I can't even knit because I forgot to bring out some stitch markers. WAH!

11:20 Two of the book shelves are gone. Yay! Hopefully some of this other big stuff will go, too.

11:57 I'm cold and now I have to pee. Dinah is saying, "Something's Gotta Give." Damn straight.

Let's talk about other things. Did anyone watch Grey's last night? The penis issue? EWWWWWW!

If I type, my fingers aren't as cold. Maybe I should be off of this boring thing and write something for real since I'm out here for two more hours.

1:34 I'm done and back inside. I actually quit around 12:30, but spent some time dragging everything back into the garage. Still, people came up and followed me into the garage to look. Asking if other things in my garage were for sale.

Till next year...

Listed

Meme stolen from Andrea

The rules: You can only type one word. No explanations.

1. Yourself: restless
2. Your significant other: dreamy
3. Your hair: better
4. Your mother: hug
5. Your father: soon
6. Your favorite item: giggles
7. Your dream last night: unknown
8. Your favorite drink: fruity
9. Your dream car: tt
10. The room you are in: disarray
11. Your ex: unconsidered
12. Your fear: loss
13. What you want to be in 10 years: settled
14. Who you hung out with last night: family
15. What you're not: tired
16. Muffins: muffin-topped
17: One of your wish list items: cruise
18: Time: more
19. The last thing you did: blogged
20. What you are wearing: gray
21. Your favorite weather: fallish
22. Your favorite book: ashamed
23. The last thing you ate: pie
24. Your life: charmed
25. Your mood: relaxed
26. Your best friend (s): asleep
27. What are you thinking about right now: monitor
28. Your car: Vannie
29. What are you doing at the moment: listening
30. Your summer: cold
31. Your relationship status: married
32. What is on your tv: paused
33. What is the weather like: frigid
34. When is the last time you laughed: hour

Poor Pussy

Did you think I'd actually leave my birthday party plan for Bug alone? Hell, no. I'm all for talk and shit for follow through. If you've been reading this blog for any period of time and haven't seen that, then you're not the brightest bulb.

Today I renewed my search after I started putting together my things to do lists for the party. I kept seeing this recurrence of the importance of sticking to a theme, so I looked for more ideas and tried to figure out how to tie all the components together. Bottom line: The theme is "Pop." Freeze dancing will be done to a bubbly song, like "I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles" or "Tiny Bubbles." (And although it was an acquaintance of mine from high school who wrote and performed this song in her group, I will forego using, "How Many Licks Does It Take to Make My Coochie Pop?") A new game possibility was added with a musical chairs where no one gets out, but all the kids have to try to fit on the chairs provided. We'll do that to "Pop Goes the Weasel." The book exchange has nothing to do with bubbles, balloons or popping, but the order that kids pick their books can be determined by a balloon pop off.

But I digress.

As I was looking around the net for game ideas, I came across a game called, "Poor Pussy." I just had to share it with you. Notably with Sheryl, who is now the proud owner of my beloved copy of Games You Can Play With Your Pussy. It's not going to make the list for this party -- I honestly couldn't see this being played by anyone but adults, -- but I'd love to play it sometime.

Poor Pussy

This is a tried and true game which has been popular for generations. Arrange players in a circle. except for one child who is designated "Poor Pussy". Poor Pussy kneels in front of any player and acts like - you guessed it - a pussy cat. While he or she is meowing, the player must stroke Poor Pussy's head and say "Poor Pussy, Poor Pussy" without smiling. If the player petting Pussy smiles or laughs, they become "Poor Pussy" in the next round.

Think about how difficult it is not to crack up while petting someone's head and saying "Poor Pussy"! To make it worse, Poor Pussy is allowed to do anything to make players lose their composure, including silly faces, strange purring sounds, or other catlike moves. Other players are also permitted to laugh and do whatever possible to make it more difficult for the designated person to keep their cool.

An Art Project

The first I read of Donny Johnson was a small excerpt in the paper. I was intrigued at the thought of artwork created using a paintbrush made from hair and paint from M&Ms. I bought some M&Ms today with a plan. Searching tonight, I found this, which provides the instructions I need:

He puts from one to five of the candies in each of the jelly containers, drizzles a little water in and later fishes out the chocolate cores, leaving liquid of various colors, which get stronger if they sit for a couple of days.

A picture accompanies a description of the brush -- "Mr. Johnson's paintbrush is made of plastic wrap, foil and strands of his own hair," -- and if I feel so inclined I will make one to use. I wonder where I can get blank postcards.

I'll be posting my work of art next Monday, so I guess this could be considered a pseudo Motif. Anyone?