UPDATE: Excuse me, asshole Typepad, but I specifically waited until AFTER midnight to publish this so it would be dated August 8, my anniversary. It's a marriage thing. FIX THIS!!
UPDATE 3: Update 2 was on a repost, which went through with THE SAME WRONG DATE *AND* with the pictures all messed up. Seriously Typepad? Way to make coming back easy.
No time for hellos, I've got to share this epiphany with y'all!
The other day on Facebook (AKA the place everyone is throwing so much shit up on their walls to see what sticks that it's worse than being stuck in a monkey cage after a prune-filled enrichment session)...
::tangent about the diet of monkeys::
Why, yes, I did go and verify that monkeys eat prunes. And found THIS. SHAZAM! And yes, it's specifically about them eating plums, but who can blame them? Plums are much more delicious.
::end tangent about the diet of monkeys::
… a friend posted some quote from Leviticus - something about being good to your people.
I was sure she posted this as something biblical to think about in regards to the gay marriage debate, and commented that people may get hung up on the translation of "your people," and then asked if Leviticus was the book that talked a lot about stoning someone who had done wrong until they are dead.
She pontificated on how people tend to pull out passages that support their own agendas.
::tangent about the biblical approval of the legalization of marijuana::
The bible is obviously referring to Bob Dillon's type of stoning. You're welcome.
::end tangent about the biblical approval of the legalization of marijuana::
With all the propaganda floating around lately that strongly suggests that Mitt Romney is going to start a new direction with his campaigning (e.g., kissing cows, overusing the phrase "My pleasure," pushing the Chicken Mitt slogan), there have been a lot of posts about what people are eating countered by zombie Jesus posts from the other side.
::tangent about zombie zombie zombie::
All the talk about zombie Jesus, but never about the vampires.
::end tangent about zombie zombie zombie::
And there it was: The truth and the light. (The light was actually shining on the truth, in case any of you want to enlighten your bible study groups. HAHA I'm so punny! FUCK YOU spellcheck - I'M NOT PUNY; I'm just small. Asshole.)
I apologize for that. I was building up to something HUGE, and spellcheck had to distract me into being profane. Let's get back to that light on the truth. Ready?
Jesus was a sexually active lesbian.
Now, I know the devout reading this are going to instantly dismiss this, but I can offer up quite a bit of evidence to prove my theory that Jesus was, indeed, a sexually active lesbian. I'm willing to bet that those who know the bible better know even more once you think about it. But let me start you off…
SUPPORTIVE EVIDENCE #1 - Jesus said, "Eat me!" Boys don't say that. Boys use words like "suck" and "blow" paired with phallic references. Girls say "Eat me." (Yes, I'm paraphrasing, but seriously? So weak of you to get all semantic about this.)
::tangent about prolific plagiarism in the bible::
Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John copied the shit out of each other.
::end tangent about prolific plagiarism in the bible::
SUPPORTIVE EVIDENCE #2 - He liked wine. There are plenty of boys who like wine, so this isn't standalone evidence. However, at a party, he went with wine over beer. What boy does that?
SUPPORTIVE EVIDENCE #3 - Fish. Lots of fish. Smell that fish. Gotta like fish A LOT to process that much fish.
SUPPORTIVE EVIDENCE #4 - He drove seven demons out of Mary Magdalene. He made them "come out."
My work here is done.