Gonna Have to Face It, I'd Rather Be Addicted to Drugs

How long does it take to form a habit?

Googling is useless, and I don't care enough to dig deeper. The length of time I've allowed has far surpassed any of the results listed.

At the beginning of March, 2009, I started taking medication for ADHD. I'm still sorting through my thoughts about the pros and cons of my treatment, but one immediate and much-appreciated side effect has been with my weight.

I've talked a lot on this blog about my struggles with weight loss, no surprise being someone who loves taste, lacks focus and follow-through, and is more driven by being comfortable than by goals. The medication that cleared my brain managed to suppress my appetite so much that I had to make a conscious effort to remember to eat. Suddenly I could relate to people who see food simply as fuel. I stopped getting excited about flavor and indulging. Alas, even pie no longer excited me. Meh.

My weight dropped drastically; at my lowest I was 8 pounds lighter than when I graduated from high school.

::intermission to laugh sarcastically and get a tissue::
...and acknowledge that there are worse problems to have, I know. I'm the first to credit the medication for my inability to remember to eat and lose weight effortlessly.
::end intermission to laugh sarcastically and get a tissue::

Our move to Virginia posed a dilemma. I am allergic to the air in the mid-Atlantic region, and I'd already learned from our visits home that allergy medications unfortunately don't play well with my ADHD prescription. I'd worked with my doctor to tweak the medications, doses, and scheduling to no avail. The drugs aren't supposed to conflict, but I'm apparently an exception. Whatever the ADHD medication does, every allergy medication I've tried cancels it out. Adding insult to injury, the allergy medication doesn't do anything about my allergies when it's inhibiting my ADHD script.

Just when I learned that the choking coughing fits I get sometimes are allergy-induced asthma. Just when I discovered that using my inhaler -- which also conflicts with my script -- stops them and lets me breathe to the point that I have a burning desire to take up running. I lasted a week in Virginia before become insane enough from the excess of snot, coughing, and aching itchy eyes that I decided I'd rather have a muddled brain and stopped taking my prescription. Besides, I WANT to run and be active, so I'll keep my weight in check with that, right? FML

So much for habits forming. You'd think that after living with a reduced diet for 26 months, my body would have adapted to the new eating routine. Being off my ADHD script for about a week now, I am a bottomless pit of mindless eating. It's like I'm making up for 26 months of eating so little. I feel physically awful, sluggish, and exhausted by the thought alone of having Jem full-time with me until she starts kindergarten in the fall. The weirdest thing is that I feel *huge,* even though I'm still lighter than I was at graduation and I'm carrying more weight in my boobs than I was then. Looking at old pictures, I'm shocked at how much bigger I was (25-30 pounds heavier) and remembering my mindset not being very panicked about it in comparison to how I'm reacting now.

I took my ADHD pill today and have added tissues to the shopping list. I'll use my neti pot religiously and see if allergy eye drops pose a problem.

I haven't been compelled to eat anything today (but will make myself after posting this - again, conscious eating), where for the last several mornings I HAD TO have something to eat while making Bug's school lunch.

I don't want to rely on this medication. I certainly don't want to be taking it for the rest of my life.

::sigh::

Comments

[Calamity]

There is nothing wrong with relying on a medication, unless its side-effects aren't worse than the affliction it treats. I am a happier, healthier, more productive person thanks to the antidepressants I have been taking for the past decade. My weight went up and I have become rather loquacious, but that's preferable to being a basketcase. I am also going to be taking meds for my thyroid for the rest of my life. So be it. The drugs are doing what my body fails to do on its own. Hopefully you can control your allergy symptoms with the neti pot (shudder) and other means that do not interact with your ADHD meds. Good luck!

[mrtl]

Thank you for that, Jen. It's hard to get past the stigma to which I've subscribed and my inability to accept that this is a condition and not a fault that I can overcome with will power and behavior modification. Somehow it's not clicking for me; there are books on the subject that I'm sure will help with this recalibration if I could only finish reading them.