Snoop Dogg is appearing in strange places, like Pepsi adverts and Big Time Rush videos. This is most definitely a sign of the rap world's apocalypse, which I initially attributed to Ice-T when he started acting, but he's done well as a thespian.
::tangent::
OH MY FUCKING HELL, Ice-T. You, too? I'm so annoyed right now I don't even know what to name my tangent.
Ice-T, your website neglects to consistently use the hyphen in your name. DETAILS!!
Do you know what this means, Ice-T? It means that for me you are now all clumped together with Michael Bublé in the "Don't respect me because I don't care enough to make sure MY OWN NAME is spelled right by the people I hire to represent me" club. Michael Bublé is in there because his website doesn't bother using the acute accent over the e in Bublé.
Ice-T, you really don't want to be clumped in any way with Michael Bublé. He's a selfish man whore with some serious cooties. I advise you to have your voo doo woman's long pointy scissors with you at the ready to keep Michael Bublé at a good distance.
Sheesh, what is up with this lack of attentiveness to detail?
::end tangent::
Anyway, with the apocalypse that much closer, it's only a matter of time before rappers -- desperately attempting to cross over and keep sales up -- start tapping into oldies and standards. I'm writing this post today to throw out a few song ideas for rappers. You're welcome.
"That's Amore" by Dean Martin | Free Download
Ice-T and Michael Bublé should do this one since they're clumped together anyway. The song has eye injuries and pie, so it should appeal to each of them. I'll even help out with their group's name: Granville Island Iced Tea ("GI'IT").
In Napoli where love is King
When boy meets girl
Here's what they say
When the moon hits your eye
Like a big-a pizza pie
That's amore
When the world seems to shine
Like you've had too much wine
That's amore
Bells'll ring
Ting-a-ling-a-ling
Ting-a-ling-a-ling
And you'll sing "Vita bella"
Hearts'll play
Tippi-tippi-tay
Tippi-tippi-tay
Like a gay tarantella
When the stars make you drool
Joost-a like pasta fazool
That's amore
When you dance down the street
With a cloud at your feet, you're in love
When you walk in a dream
But you know you're not dreamin', signore
'Scusami, but you see
Back in old Napoli, that's amore
When the moon hits your eye
Like a big-a pizza pie, that's amore
That's amore
When the world seems to shine
Like you've had too much wine, that's amore
That's amore
Bells will ring
Ting-a-ling-a-ling ting-a-ling-a-ling
And you'll sing "Vita bella"
Vita bell-vita bella
Hearts will play
Tippi-tippi-tay, tippi-tippi-tay
Like a gay tarantella
Lucky fella
When the stars make you drool just like pasta fazool
That's amore (that's amore)
When you dance down the street
With a cloud at your feet, you're in love
When you walk in a dream
But you know you're not dreaming, signore
'Scusami, but you see
Back in old Napoli, that's amore
"If I Had You" by Jimmy Durante | Free Download
I don't have an artist in mind for this one, but I did work in some badass phrasing. And seriously, what rapper wouldn't jump at the chance to rap about Dall sheep?
I could show the world how to smile
I could be glad all of the while
I could change the grey skies to blue
If I had you
I could leave the old days behind
Leave all my pals,
I'd never mind [I don't care about those bitches!]
I could start my life all a new
If I had you
I could climb the snow-capped mountains [like a Dall sheep]
Sail the mighty ocean wide [and never go to sleep]
I could cross the burning desert [I wouldn't even burn my feet!]
If I had you by my side [in my sheets]
I could be a king, dear, uncrowned
Humble or poor, rich or renowned
There is nothing I couldn't do
If I had you
"10 Cents a Dance" by Ruth Etting | Free Download
This one has 50 Cent written all over it. Imagine a day when he has an 80% decline in album sales revenue, landing him in Vegas doing drag shows singing this song, complete with a group dance choreographed for the "fighters and sailers" verse. I can't be the only one who can imagine this, right?
I work at the Palace Ballroom,
but, gee that Palace is cheap;
when I get back to my chilly hall room
I'm much to tired to sleep.
I'm one of those lady teachers,
a beautiful hostess, you know,
the kind the Palace features
for exactly a dime a throw.
Ten cents a dance
that's what they pay me,
gosh, how they weigh me down!
Ten cents a dance
pansies and rough guys
tough guys who tear my gown!
Seven to midnight I hear drums.
Loudly the saxophone blows.
Trumpets are tearing my eardrums.
Customers crush my toes.
Sometimes I think
I've found my hero,
but it's a queer romance.
All that you need is a ticket
Come on, big boy, ten cents a dance.
Fighters and sailors and bowlegged tailors
can pay for their ticket and rent me!
Butchers and barbers and rats from the harbors
are sweethearts my good luck has sent me.
Though I've a chorus of elderly beaux,
stockings are porous with holes at the toes.
I'm here till closing time.
Dance and be merry, it's only a dime.
Sometimes I think
I've found my hero,
but it's a queer romance.
All that you need is a ticket
Come on, big boy, ten cents a dance.
