Note: Please be sure to comment to let me know you've read through this monstrosity! Not to bribe anyone, but a merit badge will be awarded!
How exciting it is to get my laptop fixed!!
::tangent to self-aggrandize and celebrate just a little bit::
It's a miracle! I don't know how I performed this miracle, but I did. I am miraculously amazing like that! And humble. Don't forget humble!
For future reference (in case it happens again, because of course my blog will be the first reference I use for guidance), it was an unmountable boot error. I had given up all hope and was going to reload the OS. After partitioning I put in the installation disk and somehow got to a C: prompt where I ran a chkdsk and fixboot and OMG it started up AND all my files and settings were still there and OMG OMG OMG I couldn't back it all up fast enough. WOOOOO!!
::end tangent to self-aggrandize and celebrate just a little bit::
Forced brevity by phone blogging was taking its toll. Spending the last week abbreviating myself -- oh how I hate typing on my phone -- was killing me since I had so much I wanted to say on some very important current events. I'll get right to that.
- Miscarriages = Murder WTF?
- WIC is up for cuts.
- Rape is being redefined.
- Planned Parenthood may lose funding.
- The U.S. economy still sucks.
- New product: Breast milk ice cream is here!
Seeing the article on miscarriages got me thinking about the slippery slope such a law change could create. What if the rights of fetuses turned into the rights of reproductive elements such as eggs and semen? What if every sperm were so sacred it were a crime to waste any? What if our lawmakers were to make male masturbation illegal? How about the approximate 400,000 eggs each woman's ovaries form? Would periods be a crime?
Now, noone wants an Orwellian government, right? But what if we try to see positives? Jonathan Swift was totally on track with this in his "A Modest Proposal" of 1729. In this essay, Swift recommends eating orphans and making gloves from their hides as a solution for resolving hunger, reducing the burden of children on poor families, and removing the excess of papists in Ireland.
::tangent for vocabulary lessons::
papist: noun a Roman Catholic.
satire: noun the use of irony, sarcasm, ridicule, or the like, in exposing, denouncing, or deriding vice, folly, etc.
::tangent for random comments about this tangent::
Having been raised a Roman Catholic, I can understand how too many of them around can have a negative impact. For instance:
- Their propensity to provide refuge to child molesters.
- The physical exertion of the weekly service (e.g., kneeling, standing, sitting) is a strain on the knees and thighs, and can be dehydrating, especially since the only liquid made available is alcohol.
- Oh, PARDON ME, it's not alcohol; it's the "blood of Christ." It was during my blogging sabbatical that I had the disturbing epiphany that the practice of pretending to drink blood makes Catholics vampire wannabes. It was during a discussion with a woman who is married to a preacher. Not a typical preacher's wife, mind you, but one who is totally open to entertaining a discussion about such things.
It's more disturbing to consider that priests (aka molesters in some cases) feed their congregations alcohol-but-not-really, suggesting that it's not wine, it's BLOOD! Totally won't get you drunk, but will take away your sin. We're not sinning here, folks! It's all good. The accompanying lines are burned into my memory: "Take this, ALL OF YOU, and drink from it! It is my blood, the blood of the new and everlasting covenant. It has been shed for you, and for all men, so that sins may be forgiven. Do this in memory of me!" Now that's just fucking creepy. I want to believe that this insanity was brought in to convert pagans and not something anyone actually believed Jesus to be saying. You want to drink blood? We have blood in our ceremonies! Sure!!! Jesus wants you to drink HIS blood! He's cool with it!
If Jesus really did say these things, let's consider how it would go over in today's society. As I suggested to the atypical preacher's wife, if some do-gooder came up to you, offered you a drink, and suggested that you imagine it's his blood when you drink it, you'd be fucking freaked out, as would most every person out there (save maybe people who practice hoodoo... and vampires), and thinking twice about that person's character. And if "good Christians" are supposed to truly emulate Jesus, there'd be a variety of flavored bloods in the grocer's aisle. But Jesus was smart and did this with a crowd. Sure people were all WTF, but the mob mentality worked in his favor. I'm so glad the host isn't referred to as the brains of Jesus, because zombies freak me out a lot, too.
::end tangent for random comments about this tangent::
::end tangent for vocabulary lessons::
::new tangent to share shock over extreme fear that I haven't blogged about yet::
SHOCKED! How can this be? I've scoured looking for some mention of this. Hell with tangents. This gets a story.
::end new tangent to share shock over extreme fear that I haven't blogged about yet::
Story Time with mrtl
Once upon a time, when mrtl was smaller and impressionable and living with her big brother, she became very fearful of vampires. You see, Big Brother told smaller mrtl about rats biting toes off while children slept and bats biting necks. The bats may have entered Big Brother's Sack-of-Scaring-Smaller-mrtl Tricks after watching Brahm Stocker's Dracula, of which mrtl can't remember watching the entirety.
Effects of this sibling abuse:
- mrtl cannot fall asleep unless her toes and neck are securely covered by blankets.
- Bunnicula, the children's story about a cute little bunny rabbit that sucked the juice out of vegetables, caused nightmares. Attempts to cure this fear by purchasing the tamer pop-up version of the story as an adult were unsuccessful, worsening the images with a more actively vicious popping-up bunny.
- mrtl has never been able to watch a vampire movie all the way through:
- This is a reason why none of the stars of The Lost Boys are on her childhood list of dreamy boys.
- And although Jim Carrey's eyebrows were a delightful distraction in Love at First Bite, mrtl's eyes were closed and ears tightly covered during key moments of the film.
- Even Brad Pitt's Interview With a Vampire couldn't cure her.
- The current vampire craze of "True Blood" and Twilight have been completely lost on her, driving her to numb her brain on "Real Housewives of XXX County."
- People with pronounced canines still freak her out. Jerry Seinfeld's hand obsession has nothing on me.
Just writing this list is causing heartburn and a lump in my throat.
So... Is it really any wonder why, as a young girl, I subconsciously started having a world of doubt about my faith?
End Story Time with mrtl
Let's get back to Swiftly saving our economy.
If our government were to implement new laws to not let any human reproductive output be wasted, it could have an extremely beneficial impact on our economy. Unused eggs and sperm could be harvested and utilized to start a trend in human-based food products! Entreprenuers could set up collection sites to provide the drive-through harvesting of sperm. No need to worry too much about storage facilities; assistive reproductive technology could be used to incubate and raise babies for our food industry. (Bonus: Less emotional attachment to test-tube infants!) Milk-producing women could supply milk for making cheese and other dairy products if Swift's idea for growing babies to yearlings before being offered as contributions to our nutritional demand is utilized. Just think, PETA with its annoying commercials would be defunct.
Names for businesses are running rampant:
- Planned Unparenthood and Orphan Bistro (organization)
- Happy Endings (sperm collection)
- Lecter's Table (restaurant with all dishes served with fava beans and a nice chianti)
- Heads, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes Steak House
- Nothing But the Breast (branding for dairy products)
- Baby's Butt (clothing line with jingle: "There's a reason it's this soft!")
- Fingerlickins' Bar-B-Que (jingle: "We'll never tell you to take our fingers out of your mouth!")
- One Potato, Two Potato (jingle: "Fisting at its best with a side of fries!")
- Man Flan and Boob Cream (dessert shop serving sperm flan and breast milk ice cream)
Please pray that my laptop never dies again.