guilt: "Mrtl, dear, shouldn't you get up and [insert any of a number of projects needed to be finished before the house goes on the market in a couple weeks]? Aren't you feeling stressed about that? However are you going to get it all done?"
mrtl: "I'm feeling stressed, guilty for procrastinating so long, and ashamed over wasting so much time. Usually the stress drives me, but I think I procrastinated too long."
procrastination: "You know you love a challenge!"
mrtl: "Shut up, bitch. You held out on me too long this time, and it's atrophying. If I were a penis, I'd be well beyond the four-hour window of opportunity and forced into retirement, and not a pleasant type that involves any happy ending."
self-loathing: "Cry me a river. You brought this on yourself, insisting that you were so HANDY that you were capable of getting all this done on your own."
guilt: "Which, if I may remind you, should have been much closer to being done by now. You stopped working in May, and you planned to do some part time work. Didn't you also join a gym? You're lucky Sugar Daddy is so patient and understanding of your 'issues.'"
self-loathing: "Tsk, tsk, tsk... Why do you have to be so... so... chemically-resistant ADHD?"
mrtl: "I know. Too bad excuses aren't fairies and gnomes."
creativity: "But really, if you're sitting on your ass anyway, why not get something else done? It's been ages since you've blogged, knit, or made a pie. Those things have made you so happy in the past."
socialization: "And how about talking to your friends? When's the last time you spackled your cracks?"
::tangent to explain crack spackling::
"While [busy women who have time for friends] also have limited time to devote to pals, they spackle them into the cracks of their lives. They realize friends are essential to a solid foundation, a necessity, not a luxury." -Marla Paul, Making and Keeping Friends as an Adult
::end tangent to explain crack spackling::
guilt: "You've totally neglected your friends, not returning messages or checking in with them on Facebook. When was the last time you checked in with the mom group? You should at least go to the site and turn off those annoying email reminders."
self-loathing: "Damn those things. I bet everyone who gets them hates you, or has filtered your email to spam."
mrtl: "I'm feeling worse. Thanks."
creativity: "Writing will help you work through those feelings. Don't consider it wasting time; consider it multitasking laziness."
pie optimism: "Make a pie. Pie Day is this week. Taste success. It will motivate you."
mrtl: "Creativity and Pie Optimism, I like how you think."
mrtl goes to Typepad and, even though it's been over a year since she last signed in, she gets the password on the first try. This never happens. [insert happy dance]