Processing, Part II

Speaking more of the "sensitivity to outside influences," I'm pretty sure I have ADHD. I've scored high on various online tests -- if that can account for anything, -- and the more I read about it, the more convinced I am that it's my primary affliction. I'm hoping that this is the case and that treating it will help me conquer the depression. What's more depressing than being an anal organizing type not being able to keep her shit in order?

I wish I had more control over my reactivity to things. I wish my mind didn't so easily slip into haunting daydreams of the perils that will surely befall my life. I say I won't accept drama and toxicity in friendships, but it's rampant in my head. Give me the inkling, the start of the story, and I will write out the most insane plot to denouement. This last week in particular has been rough, getting to sleep nearly impossible. It's when I lie down that the imagination goes insane. I could probably make millions writing plot lines for soap operas.

Tomorrow is my first appointment with a psychiatrist. I've seen a psychologist already; he was cool and all, but I was a little impatient with the process of behavior modification, waiting for some grand enlightenment to possibly help me retrain my brain. Honestly I think the retraining is out of my control; so much for optimism.

I just want to be happy, to appreciate all the wonderful things in my life. I want things to fall into place and stop cluttering my brain with nonsense.

Comments

[Cindy]

I wish you health, happiness and luck in your process to find the former two. I know how it can appear slow, but in the grand scheme of life, it will be okay. Go to your appointments, do the behavior modification if they ask, accept prescriptions (if you wish to go that route)...just DO something. You are expressing the same feelings I've went through, and I'm so much better and happier! than I was before...you know it's there...you can get there!!! :-)

[von Kranikipantzen]

You are so seriously on the road to recovery just committing to the process. I know it sounds wanky but it is the truth. xxoo

[kalki]

I was going to say what Kranki said. You are taking the right steps. I wish you all the best, babe.