mrtl

Bugs Say the Funniest Things

"It's a good thing she brought her breasts." ~ Bug, regarding a breastfeeding Mama at our house the other night.

"I want mac and cheese in my burrito." ~ Jem, in response to what she wanted for dinner the other night. 

Heartburn

I've had heartburn since Monday. I've had heartburn before, but only when I was pregnant and carrying too much weight. No, I'm not pregnant, and having weighed myself and knowing that, despite munching off of four pies over the last week, I haven't gained such a significant amount of weight to bring on the heartburn, I can only contend that this heartburn is my body's involuntary, sympathetic reaction to the horrible event that occurred earlier in the week.

A friend in Alaska lost her baby to SIDS on Monday. He was beautiful and new -- just 5 weeks old -- and even though I never had a chance to meet him, I could practically smell his fuzzy little head through the pictures on my monitor and feel his soft, chubby cheeks. He'd been planned, prepared for, long in the making, anxiously awaited and adored by this loving family. And just like that, he was gone.

It's hard to imagine being in her shoes. I remember very well those first weeks, falling in love, the hormones so strong, the presence so surreal. The crushing blow it must be conjures an old lyric, "Take my heart! I want to lose it."

The little comfort I can find from my distance is knowing that my friend is surrounded by the most incredible group of people. I know that they're going to do all they can to support this family and help them live with this pain. I'll offer my hugs from afar and make a little list of reasons why I've said that she is one of my favorite people from my stay in Alaska.

- More Cowbell!

- Extending her friendship and introducing me to her insane circle of friends. This eclectic and diverse group had all shapes and sizes, colors, backgrounds, economic statuses, sexual orientations, religions and politics. No holds were barred; there were lively debates in this tribe that could -- and did -- turn into hostile arguments, but love and mutual respect were always there and hostilities never lasted long. If this invitation hadn't have happened, none of the following would have either.

- Dorkiness: Matching t-shirts for celebrations, and occasional matching outfits with her BFF.

- Entertainment: TMI at the sex toy party. Seriously, the lady could have been a little more discreet when asking which dildo our host recommended for anal during double penetration.

- Conviction: "I sing like an ANGEL!"

- Lack of Inhibition: Best karaoke I've ever witnessed was her rendition of "My Humps," sang full out and with unrestrained (and possibly choreographed) dancing.

- Honesty: When she realized that a blog she'd been reading belonged to someone she knew, she called me to let me know.

- Restraint: She didn't throw up in my van when I was DD for her BFF's birthday celebration.

- Encouragement: Weight loss group.

- Craftiness: Fellow knitting addict.

- Emboldening: My first karaoke.

- Fabulousness: Gay bars. I frequented a gay bar a couple years out of high school. It had been too long.

- Sweetness: Seeing the love between she and her husband.

- Recommendations: Best haircuts I've ever had.

- Randiness: Alaska State Fair Lumberjack Lust

I'm sure there's more. Many happy memories here. I could go on about the various personalities in the tribe, but that would take away the spotlight.

R, I love you, girl!

today is one of those days when I just want to say

Fuck you, God!

Terribly painful, bad things happening to really great people. That shit ain't right.

My Brain's Not Working Rightly

First it was preparing the house for incoming guests for Pie Day festivities, and now it's an sinus infection, possibly an ear infection, too.

I'm quite miserable. And very unentertaining.

The pie was yummy, yes.

Did you know that January 24th is considered to be the most depressing day of the year? Research and shit was done to figure that out. But I doubted. I was all, "Who could be depressed the day after Pie Day?" I mean, even if you don't have leftover pie, don't you still have fresh memories? And if you didn't have pie on Pie Day, I would think you'd be more depressed ON Pie Day, not the day after. And if you realized the day after that the day before was Pie Day, why would that be depressing? I'd be all, "So I missed Pie Day yesterday? Totally celebrating today instead!" because when is it not a good time for pie? And if you're reading this and are getting all sad because you deliberately chose not to eat any pie on Pie Day because you got all mathematic and shit and figured out that the caloric intake wasn't worth ruining your diet regime, well, then, that's on you, love. Maybe someday those exercise endorphins (aka INSANITY) will wear off and you'll realize that it's PIE that makes the world go 'round.

And now I'm getting more sad because I would hope to be the person who could withstand the Pie Day temptation and stick to a diet regime.

My head's about to explode and I ate an inordinate amount of excessive calories yesterday (moreso to "eat some for" the one who was withstanding)...

Now I understand the meaning of today. Damn.

---

Edited to note that I see my grammatical error in the first sentence of this post ("an sinus infection"). I'm leaving it because it clearly illustrates just how affected my brain is today.

A+ for Form

Jem appears next to me as I'm fixing my hair and eloquently states the following, her first paragraph.

My lip stuff is broken! It's on my floor. It's on my hands. It's all gone! I need some more.

I'm so proud.

Bug Said "Fuck" Today and I Totally Laughed

It's her own freeform rapping game, and tonight the lucky ending sound was "uck." It was only a matter of time, really. She said something like, "I'm a duck! I'm a duck! I'm and duck, fuck, luck, truck, kuck! HAHAHAHAHA" (laughing because she threw "nonsense" in there). Fortunately I didn't choke on my dinner.

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+: Other happy thoughts for the day: President Obama. strawberry shortcake (so not on the DNE list!), Jem's pretty pretty princess tap/ballet moves (will try to record this to post a sample of what she's learning), no more Bush (maybe I'll shave down there tonight as a sign of my appreciation of this... TMI?).

Over Waffles

Jem was talking over Bug at breakfast. She wasn't even talking really, but doing this really super annoying, "AHH! EHHH! AAAAAAAAH!" shit that Bug totally didn't appreciate because she was trying to say something to me. Bug says, "Be quiet, Jem! Stop acting like such a queen."

My heart almost burst with pride. I asked where she had heard that one. She said that she had just made it up, that Jem was trying to keep everyone from talking and acting like she was in charge, like a queen. Makes sense. Jem was wearing her princess shirt, so I made a comment that she was acting much more like a queen than a princess.

Then Bug went on a little tangent (sweet - gets that from me for sure) about how if a queen has a daughter it's a princess and if she has a son it's a prince, and something about them growing up and getting married. Whoa! Brothers and sisters don't marry. That ain't right. She conceded, and went on to say that she would not be able to marry Jem when they're older even if they weren't sisters because they were both girls and even if they did, they wouldn't be able to have children because there was no daddy around.

So then the conversation briefly turned to one about gay marriage rights (she says that it's mean to say that gay couples can't marry) and then onto a rather engaging discussion about adoption and surrogate parenting. She'd never heard of such things. How can those things happen? I tried to keep this as simple as possible, saying doctors can do amazing things these days -- taking what was needed from the daddy and putting it in the right place in the mommy, -- because she's not quite old enough to understand and appreciate the beauty of the utilization of a turkey baster for this purpose (see below).

Even though I'm sure it would make for an entertaining reaction, I'm hoping she won't try to share this conversation with her classmates and teacher.

----

Date: Sun, 16 May 93 18:58:05 PDT
To: Fun_People
Subject: New uses for home utensils

From: Keith Bostic
From: Lafayette Journal and Courier, May 11, 1993  Page A2

"Gee whiz, Ma, it's a Rubbermaid"

By The Associated Press

Raleigh, N.C. -  A woman who volunteered to have a baby for her sister - and conceived using a turkey baster and doing a headstand - gave birth on Mother's Day.

The baby, John Franklin Wittle, was born at Rex Hospital in Raleigh, weighing in at 7 pounds, 12 ounces.  His aunt, Julie Johnson, 34, a single Navy lieutenant, endured a 20-hour labor to give her sister and brother-in-law a baby.

The sister, Janet Johnson had failed to become pregnant using more scientific means.  So she sterilized a $2.95 kitchen baster in the dishwasher, got her husband, Mark Wittle, to make his genetic contribution, then carried it to her sister.

Julie Johnson inseminated herself twice in August with Wittle's semen.  She stood on her head each time, while leaning against a wall.

Waiting...

... for the girls to notice that I snuck M&Ms in the bottom of the bowls of popcorn. Bug's already asked me why I didn't put cheese or anything in the popcorn.

---

She's asking again, demanding an answer. I told her I'm not Smartfood and don't make popcorn that way. She still has half a bowl before hitting bottom, but she's put the bowl down.

---

"Mommy? How did Jem find an M&M? Did you put M&Ms in the bottom of the bowls? Hey! I have M&Ms in my bowl. Did you know there were M&Ms in our bowls, Mommy?

Only proving that candy causes distorted thinking.

Outer Spaces

Jem started the strangest thing. While driving, she would suddenly shout, "Outer space!" repeatedly, because this is what she does. Even when she has received what Bug and I may think is sufficient acknowledgment of her random verbal outbursts, she'll continue to repeat something. So much so that Bug is now saying things like, "Come ON, Jem, we heard you the first twenty times. You don't have to repeat it." Gah - Sounds too familiar.

Anyway, she says this, and we have no idea what the hell she's talking about. Then one day she yells, "OOOOH, Mommy! TWO outer spaces!" Looking around, the only thing I see as her focus is a couple water towers. Sure enough, that was it. True acknowledgment. We talked about how big they were, and the colors, and the letters we saw on them. She was so happy to finally have someone to talk to about the outer spaces.

It took a while for her to correct herself to calling them water towers. At first she kept saying "outer spaces," then "outer... towers," then "outer... water towers." She's now calling them "water towers." Whatever she calls them, she sure does love talking about them. Are there water tower toys? Her birthday is coming up; we should look.

(This mistaken identity of water towers came from a "Backyardigans" episode that includes a spaceship that looks very much like a water tower.)

I hate you, lace

You're an asshole, and I should have known better. I knew you were trouble the first time I played with you, but I couldn't stay away. Having bought several skeins of awesomely beautiful yarn, I felt the tug of obligation to honor it.

And then AM tells me that she's knitted a beautiful lace scarf that was soooo easy. ::warding off the negative thoughts towards such a dear friend, jealous of the mad skills, is all:: I should have known, coming from her, Miss "My First Project was a Fair-Isle Hat"... grumble grumble.

The pattern said to cast on 76. Do you know how long it took me to do that, just to freakin' COUNT those tiny little stitches? AN HOUR! Then I blew one out when I checked after my fourth row.

I'm done with you now, asshole lace. You're going to rot in the stash box. I guess I'm back to making the earflaps for my brainmonster hat and the horns for that viking hat promised to mister mrtl's imaginary friend. (Too lazy to add links - sorry.) Acrylic isn't as shitty as I thought, now, is it?

~mrtl