mrtl

Rising in the Ranks

Because she doesn't have school tomorrow, I told Bug tonight that she could stay up late and read books or play her video game.

She came out to report to me that she had reached another level of greatness on her princess game. She has gone from "Young Maiden" to "Little Lady" to "Mistress Fair," and is now a "Little Princess."

Me: So what's next?
She: Next I'll be a "Little Princess in Waiting"!
Me: waiting for what?
She: I don't know.
Me: What would you like to wait for?
She: Backyardigans

I Cry

...at the Central Park sleigh scene in Elf. Ah, the Christmas spirit. Maybe now I'll be motivated to finish that last-minute shopping.

Candy Fest 2008

I like candy! I eat it! In my mouth!

Today we had some guests over to decorate gingerbread cookies and mock gingerbread houses (made with graham crackers, that is). More candy went into mouths than the cookies. You see above that Jem had quite a few M&Ms on her cookie; more were added, along with some gummy bears, before she scraped it all off with her spoon. I'm sure she tried to eat the cookie, too, but those things were petrified. I won't be sharing the recipe unless someone needs one for ornaments.

The houses came out fabulous. Bug had a snowman in her lush, green yard, but she ate it. I put her cookie there but am finding it creepy after watching "20/20" tonight.

She didn't eat her tree, but donated hers to Jem after Jem inhaled hers. I'm not looking forward to the sight of green poop.

Post-inhalation remark: Mommy! I sticky!

This was my first time having anyone over to the house since moving here; it's odd to think that I was having friends over at least once a week for a while there in Alaska. I just haven't felt that comfortable here, and haven't felt the house was ready for visitors. I need to get over that, and am glad that today went so well, and that I pulled it off. I've turned into quite the slacker, you see, and was stressing out so much over the list of all the little things that needed to be done before our guests arrived. Not only did all of that get done, I had time to relax with a great cup of coffee and bake the gingerbread men at the last minute. Bug was in charge of the cookie cutter and managed to place a clump of brown sugar just right to give me a snicker.

I named him Wee Willy.

Now before anyone tries to argue with me, saying that it looks much more like a belly button, or that I must now know what a penis looks like, let me share with a clear example that there must be something in the water here that allows people to see things that aren't really there.

Dude was eating shelled peanuts at Logan's the other day and damned if he didn't find Jesus. Dude's insane. It's obviously Jack Black.

Damn You, Pie

So tired, and just about to go to bed, when on comes a show dedicated to pie. I'mahafta watch it. But I so need sleep. Tomorrow morning is sure to be crazy with last-minute preparations to have some Mamas over with their iddy biddies to decorate some gingerbread houses.

Which reminds me, unearthed in an old cookbook was the following. Bug and I made a great batch the other day to serve as landscaping for the houses. We didn't bother with the gumdrops, figuring our guests may appreciate decorating them themselves.

Gumdrop (or not) Trees

Utensils
Cookie sheet
Large bowl
Large saucepan
Long-handled spoon
Kitchen scissors (or not)
Glass (or not)

Ingredients
4 cups Cheerios
32 large marshmallows or 3 cups minis
3 TBS butter or margarine + extra
1/2 tsp vanilla
1/2 tsp green food coloring
Small gumdrops

1. Grease cookie sheet with butter.
2. Put Cheerios in large bowl.
3. Heat marshmallows and 3 TBS butter over medium heat till marshmallows melt. Stir till smooth. Remove from heat. Add vanilla and food coloring.
4. Pour marshmallow mixture over cereal and stir gently till cereal is coated.
5. Rub some butter on your hands and divide mixture on greased cookie sheet. 2/3 cups will make 6 parts. Shape each part into tree shape.
6. If desired, cut gumdrops into slices with scissors. (Dip scissors in glass of water to keep candy from sticking.) Press gumdrop slices onto the trees.

From Betty Crocker's Cookbook for Boys & Girls 1978

Alphabet Books

In the book of I there is a page for ice cream. Jem reads the book to me, and always reads this page the same way.

She: ICE CREAM!!! Mommy! It's ice cream!

Me: I see it! Yummy!

She: I like ice cream!

Me: I know. You love ice cream.

She: I eat it!

Me: You sure do!

She: In my mouth!

This is followed by her holding the book up to her face and making slurping noises. I giggle at this, not just because of her antics, but because it always reminds me of Austin Powers. Besides, she says "in my mouth" like there's another conceivable place for her to eat her food. Silly girl!

Coffee Tawk

Making coffee in a coffee pot every day is a pain in my ass -- I always brew more than I want to drink (only did less once and learned), not to mention that the cleanup is annoying, -- so I jumped at the chance to try a different way of brewing. Enter the Toddy Cold Brew System. It is phenomenal! The grounds soak in water for 12 hours, then the concentrate is drained into a decanter. This concentrate can be stored in the fridge up to three weeks, but I pour it into ice cube trays and freeze it. Now whenever I want a cup of coffee, I put a couple cubes in my mug with some Splenda and hot water. Shazam!

Also important to mention is that the filtration in this type of brewing removes a lot of the acid. Think really good diner coffee. mmm... That makes me think of pie. Sorry, slight distraction.

When we lived in Alaska, we had one of those fabu hot-water dispensers right on the kitchen sink. After I fell in love with Toddy, I dumped donated Mr. Coffee. I regreted this decision momentarily upon moving into our house here; not only do we not have a dispenser, but the granite counters don't make it feasible to have one installed (without losing my precious sprayer, which I could always replace with a spray-faucet type since I'm so freakin' handy, but let's not go there, shall we?). While I can use the microwave to heat up water now (which requires many beepy button pushes -- not friendly to letting sleeping bugs lie), this process will not be conducive when visitors come a-callin'. What to do?

This is where I must 'fess up about my fail in supporting Call in Gay Day. Best of intentions aside, my lunch date with mister mrtl put me right next door to Tuesday Morning, a store I haven't stepped inside since we lived in Texas. I couldn't resist the draw, so allowed myself the delusion that I could walk into such a store and not buy anything.

It was there that I found Toastess. "Toastess" rhymes with "goddess," a fact that is not lost on me. Toastess is a cordless kettle with a warming feature. She also casts a lovely blue glow while in operation, which fascinates the girls whenever I use it. And the 50%-off coupon at the register? Bonus! She only cost $15.

Oh, and before anyone gives the old, "You just bought a coffee necessity; I'm sure the mo's will understand," I will now 'fess up further about my fail in supporting Call in Gay Day. While I could have walked away having spent very little, I'm all about slippery slopes. TJ Maxx is next door, and they had skirts for Bug for $3. $3! Plus some other stuff. I know. I suck.

::soapbox tangent::
The sooner the right pop realizes that our economy could single-handedly be saved by allowing gays to marry, the sooner we could work this country out of this fiscal mess. Seriously think about this. Going on the generalization that gays are all over style and design, imagine the money that could be made in the wedding industry. I'm just saying.
::end soapbox tangent::

Fashionista, Take II

See Fashionista, Take I

Bug got holiday shoes yesterday, and we took advantage of BOGO 1/2 off to get a pair for Jem as well. Bug helped me pick them out, so we ended up with an identical pair. They are pretty cute...

... and it is obvious that Jem loves hers. She wore them to school today, and mister mrtl brought the following to my attention tonight:

  Yes, she's cuddling hers and Bug's pair.

Graceful Declination

Would someone please give me a crash lesson in how to teach a child how to be grateful? I'm not speaking of mere politeness or accepting a welcomed gift, but of how to gracefully respond when presented with a gift that's not wanted. We'll be visiting family at Christmas, and I'm quite fearful.

Our Bug is a sweet and polite girl, and honest to a fault... the fault being completely unabashed in saying to the lady at the register, who has so sweetly handed her a couple Hannah Montana stickers, that she doesn't like Hannah Montana. (Yes, I know. Shock! A kid who doesn't like HM, but have you been paying any attention? Bug is all about the Backyardigans. She recently told mister mrtl and I, on separate occasions, that she is going to like the Backyardigans even when she is an adult. She told my parents that all she wants for Christmas is the Backyardigans to come to her house to play with her in her backyard, a Backyardigans coloring book, and a pony. Before you go thinking that the pony has nothing to do with the Backyardigans, let me tell you that whenever we drive past a trio of horses along the route to her school, she informs me which Backyardigan rode which horse in a particular episode of the show.)

In the past I have gone out of my way to get what I believed was a thoughtful gift that was met with the same unnecessary honesty from the recipient. It has made me not want to go out of my way again. KWIM? And in knowing my daughter and her propensity to say it like it is, before her birthday party this year I attempted to tutor her. It went a little like this:

"So what would you say if a friend gives you a present that you already have?"

"No, thank you. I already have that!"

"mmm... No. You would say, 'Thank you so much!'"

"But why, Mommy? Why would I want two?"

"It's not that you want two, it's that you appreciate that your friend picked a special gift for you. So what would you say?"

(Totally inconvincingly) "Thank you so much."

"Try again, please, with more enthusiasm."

"Thank you!!"

"Great! Now, what if your friend gives you something that you can't stand?"

::In the rearview mirror I see her scrunch up her nose.::

"Mommy? Do I have to say 'Thank you' if it's a yucky present?"

"Absolutely! If you went out of your way to get a friend a special present, and she acted like or said she didn't like it or want it, how would YOU feel?"

"I wouldn't feel so good. That wouldn't be very nice."

"Ok, so what would you say if your friend gives you something that you don't like or want?"

"ummm..." ::more nose scrunching:: "Hey! Mommy, if I don't like it I can take it back to the store and get something I DO like!"

"Is that what you'll say to your friend?"

"Well, my friend will be happy that I have something I really want."

"Bug, would you please just say, 'Thank you so much!'? Don't talk about returning it."

"Mommy? Would I really have to keep the yucky present?"

"Yes."

under the buzzer

Tonight was mister mrtl's office Christmas party. Kids stayed in their on-sight monkey cage, so they spent the duration running around and screaming with a few teenagers. Fortunately they weren't too overstimulated to go to sleep.

I am exhausted, and anything I may have had to share long escaped my brain. I'm too tired to even scan in the picture of me at age 3 sitting on Santa's lap while wearing what has got to be the most hideous outfit: blue, white and yellow horizontally-striped slacks and a brown plaid top with fur collar and cuffs.

i am too spent from reliving my day here to come up with a clever title, and must go to bed now despite the stupid fucking yappy dog. maybe i'll think of a title tomorrow.

I had today's post all worked out in my head. It was going to contain a lot of bitching and moaning about how it sucks to be the "handy one."

::tangent for child comparison::
O.M.G. We had Bug cursing at 2 years, 7 months. Jem is closing in on 2 years, 10 months. We need to get on the ball!
::end tangent for child comparison::

You know, if I put you through the hell I endured today, then maybe you'll understand the immensity of my glee at the end.

Today I showed that I am most definitely not so handy as much as I am stubbornly incapable of admitting to failure. Mister mrtl is apparently the wiser one, knowing when NOT to start a task (as he is so bound and determined to finish what he starts come hell, high water, bursting blood vessels in his forehead, and cursing toddlers). He would sooner call a professional than start something that he's pretty sure he couldn't finish. I, on the other hand, will call in reinforcements to clean up after my failed attempts. Higher aspirations, some would call that.

It's important to mention that I was not alone today. Jem developed a fever last night and stayed home with me. Fortunately there was no more puking, but she was a grumpy little booger. Her demands must be met to exacting standards when she is well, lest her little stork kisses take on an eerie glow and she shoots fire out of her ass. It's worse when she's sick, since she wants what she wants, doesn't care if there are things she shouldn't have when sick, is fiercely independent, and tends to change her mind a lot, especially about "little" things like where the bowl is put on her little table (there NO THERE - NO! I DO IT!!) or what color spoon she's using. Fear of having a puking episode brought on by hysterical screaming over red, no purple, no red I WANT RED RED RED! I GET IT!! aaaaaah! (crumble to the floor and scene) makes me tend to indulge this quirkiness when she's sick. She demanded constant television, which I was ok with. It kept her still and quiet. However, when she got nasty and tried to hit me or told me, "Go away!" what she wanted is not accessible to her anymore and we head to the kitchen to hang out on a floor that would be easily cleaned up should she start riotous puking. Add that to trying to get some repairs done around the house, necessitating a trip to a couple stores (during which she was pretty decent - a snack helped), and you'll better understand my state of mind.

Two "small" tasks were on my list today: a leaky faucet and a flooded pool. Yes, flooded pool. Patience. Leaky faucets I have conquered before; unfortunately it wasn't until I got it pulled apart that I realized that I didn't have the right replacement washer. FAIL. Onto the pool. When our pool man winterized, he told us to try to keep the water and leaves off the cover. The cheap pump we got sucks... I mean doesn't suck... No, that's not right. It's not working well, and with the lot of rain we've had lately and the dropping of the leaves over the last couple weeks, the pool was looking pretty bad. Last night, one of the long water-filled weights holding the cover in place fell into the pool, and another was in there this morning. No more procrastinating. Today I bought a new pump. SOOOO many frustrating obstacles just getting the damned thing set up, only to end up setting it up backwards, setting it up the right way to have it start spraying water from a place that's not supposed to spray water, taking it apart to repair the leak (probably from setting it up backwards -- yes, I read the freaking directions, but I still managed to screw it up), not screwing the cover back on tightly enough (see, I even screw at screwing ::stupid AF tangent:: SO TO SPEAK ::end stupid AF tangent::), which resulted in smoke coming out of it the next time it came on and this rubber doohickey inside melting. FAIL

I'm sure I could have figured this out with the replacement rubber doohickey, but this is where I was saved by the mailman. He walked up to my back fence with his knobby knees (had to throw that in for my northern friends... yes, warm enough here today for the mailman to be wearing his knickers) and told me he had a package from Canada to sign for. He also mentioned in what I'm seeing commonly and shall refer to as the SCJATAI (South Carolina Judgmental Attempt to Acquire Information), that I must have been out there for a while because he had knocked on my front door about a half hour before and told my little one to get her mommy but she must have had better things to do and didn't come back and so he decided to try again when he was about to leave our neighborhood.

I didn't respond. He didn't know that I checked on her regularly and that it absolutely surprised me that she actually left her "Little Einsteins" video for ANY amount of time to visit him at the front door. In retrospect, I should have said something about how it probably wasn't such a good idea to leave her alone in there for so long with the fireplace going and the knives and all medications and cleaning solvents opened on the kitchen floor. Asshole.

Anyway, back to the box. The lovely Frauline sent goodies. OMG the goodies! Smarties, coffee-flavored kit kat things, clustery chockies (haven't opened them yet), MOOSE-shaped pasta, some cute pencils, and some Yoshi awesomeness. Total squeee! I ate one of the coffee-flavored things and gave Jem some Smarties because the look she gave me when she saw I was happy was not pretty. The Smarties made her happy, too, until they were all gone and I wouldn't give her anymore. Still, that five minutes? Priceless. Thanks Kranki!