Fears About Moving to South Carolina

While trying to be as optimistic as possible about this new and exciting adventure, I find myself Very Concerned on several levels. I'll share them with you.

First of all, there's the humidity. My hair shall be curly again. This wouldn't be so bad but for the fact that I'm currently sporting a flat-iron friendly look; this cut will not curl well. I'm totally screwed here, and it's beginning to affect my psyche. This morning I awoke humming "Journey to the Center of Humidity" and had to ask mister mrtl if he recognized the original tune since I couldn't place it. Ozzy Osbourne's "Journey to the Center of Eternity." See how screwed I am? I've got 80's Ozzy stuck in my brain. You know how that song goes? "There's no present. There's no future. I don't even know about the past. It's all timeless, and neverending. And I think I sing this song too fast." Must I explain? Ok. Bad hair is so menacing that it makes all else stop. You are stuck in time, so everyone will get a chance to see how truly horrid the hair is. And to top it off, you've drunk way too much coffee, so you're talking all fast but can't GO! GO! GO! like you want to on the caffeine rush. This is really bad. ::shudder::

Second, there are the allergies. They shall return. This has been evidenced by the return of Faucetty Nose the second we crossed the border. Faucetty Nose left the building years ago when I first left Maryland. South Carolina is very much like Maryland with its plantlife. I've been using my neti pot regularly to no avail; maybe I need some sort of constant flow through my nostrils... freakin' genius but I think it'd be rather unsightly. I'm so screwed here, moreso than when I lived in Maryland. Why, you ask? OMG let me do the math. 2 children + weakened bladder control + allergies = the need for Depends. If you see a donation PayPal button going up on my site, it's to buy Depends. I'll be needing a lot of them.

Third, it's the South. I hate to generalize, but I've been to the South and have seen the Confederate flags and been asked about my "church home." I know this is not every person in the South; even in small amounts such practices vex me.

I know that these fears are centered around the unfamiliarity, and that they are nothing new for me. I realize it's a way I prepare myself. (To note, I've already located good pie in Columbia.)

As much as Jeff Foxworthy annoys me, I find myself taking on his style in conjuring a list of qualities I do not wish in my search for friends...

You may not be friend material...
... if you display a Confederate flag in any way, shape, or form.
... if you refer to African-Americans using the N word.
... if you want to ask me if I've found my church home.
... if Jesus has called you to save me.
... if you believe that having a cocktail while the kids play is absolutely unacceptable.
... if you won't dance to George Michael with me.
... if your friends must drink sweet tea.
...

I know this list is incomplete. Faucetty Nose has taken a break, which I shall exploit to get to sleep.

Comments

[William]

Oh I don't think your search for friends will be that difficult...once they all realise you are not "saved" people will be dropping by your door all the time.

[Sharkey]

Ha--William definitely has a point.

Have you tried Zyrtec? JP takes it, and the Zyrtec, it is good. Even with it, he's been having the itchy eyes lately, but none of the sneezy stuff.

[Undercover Mutha]

I can't help but think of calling your nose Farrah Fawcett from now on.

[von Krankipantzen]

I'm thinking that you could craft up one of those beer hats but with neti pots with a hose to each nostril. You could even knit neti cozies for them. Wearing that should keep away the church people. And you've got your pie dealer figured out. I think it is coming together really well.

[Susie]

Jesus has called me to bring you to my church home.

[Rena]

Hah! Good luck with all that. I grew up with it and still deal with it from my South Carolinian family members. This South Carolinian is glad to be living in Alaska again. I'm just sayin'.

[jana]

I need to hang this list on my front door. Or give to my in-laws.

[Calamity Jen]

Yay! I qualify to be one of your friends (at least according to the list you have compiled so far).

I empathize with your nose issue. Mine runs perpetually. I refuse to believe that I suffer from allergies, however. I prefer to tell myself that I have a cold 365 days a year.

Good luck with the rest of your journey!

[Bucky Four-Eyes]

What if Jesus shows up with an unspillable bottle of Cointreau?