mrtl

Treasure

One day mrtl joined Bug in the potty. Bug was washing up, and mrtl couldn't wait. When she sat down, Bug had finished washing her hands and was busy with something over by the door. She then stands and says, "Hey Mom! I found a new toy!" She held up this miniature baseball bat.

"OOOOH!" mrtl said, "it's another one of Edgar's toys!" (Edgar -- not his real name -- came over for a playdate recently and managed to lose several of his little boy toys, so mrtl and Bug had been on the lookout for them.) "Good looking! Give it here and I'll put it with the others." Bug handed the toy to mrtl.

This was a weird baseball bat. No worries, thought mrtl, Edgar likes Transformers, so it probably can become a robot or something. She turned it over in her hand to check it out. It was then...

Gah - no amount of third-person writing can help mrtl escape the horror in the discovery that this was not a toy, but an insertion tool for a feminine hygeine product. that she had been holding in her hands. that Bug had been holding in her hands. and playing with. thank jebus she didn't try blow into it, thinking it was a horn. she'll pretend anything is a horn.

"Where did you find this?" mrtl asked her daughter.

"In the trash can!" was the happy response.

"Wash your hands, please."

"But I just washed them!"

"And then played with something from the trashcan. Wash them now!"

As horror gave way to panic gave way to insanity, mrtl could then not help but to laugh at the predicament. It only went to show that no matter how many times one tries to teach the lesson to never take anything out of a trashcan, discarded toys will never count as trash.

Worries

A snapshot from Yahoo! news...

Do I really need to read the article on Why Women Worry So Much? Take a look at the other headlines.

Gordon Ramsay's Bare Chest

Blame me for my current fascination with cooking shows. I love "Top Chef," so it only made sense to watch "Hell's Kitchen." I don't much care for the run of the show, but enjoy watching him in action. He's quite entertaining. Then on BBC I saw that he has another show, "Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares." Interesting enough to watch several episodes, though I couldn't help but notice that these earlier, Britain-based shows had two major differences: a kinder, gentler Chef Ramsay, and his bare chest.

Every. freakin'. show. includes an intimate moment, where the camera crew, director, and whoever else is behind the camera cram into a small room and film Ramsay while he changes into his chef coat. And there's his chest. Like the audience is supposed to swoon. Ack!

His U.S.-based version of "Kitchen Nightmares" premiered last week. I don't like it. Not only did it change up the format to include major funds going to the nightmarish restaurant (can you say, "enabler"? how about "sell out"?) -- a little leg-up is one thing, but bringing in a design team, working through the night to do a complete overhaul with a name change is too much (and if I may say so, I was totally expecting Ty Pennington to appear) -- but his chest is still displayed.

Chef. I need to be completely honest with you. Your chest? Not a trophy. Keep it in the bag, please. And when your design team, chef, promoters, and cleaners come through, it minimizes the effect of what you're doing to help THE RESTAURANT turn things around. All you're really doing is setting up shop in a new location. What's the point?

How I became a Costco Whore

It's a short story really. Today I went to Costco with a friend. My plan was to check it out, to see whether or not I wanted to join. When I walked in I spied a sign offering free pie to new members AND their referring friend. Say no more! That's how I became a Costco whore. So now I have this monstrosity of a pumpkin pie, and no solid plans to entertain. I may need to call an emergency pie-eating playdate for this.

Ok. It's scheduled.

As we walked around, my friend being my tour guide, I swore that I'd only get stuff that was on my list or that I REALLY REALLY needed but had forgotten to write down. HA!

• How could I have forgotten to write down steak?
• And some mushrooms to go with it?
• And hey! A honking huge chunk of gruyere? Of COURSE I'd planned to make a quiche!
• Where's the heavy cream? It's that big?? Well, I can whip some up for the pie, and use some for some Atkin's friendly sauces (guess I'll have to commit to that again)!
• Oh, and Bug's getting her tonsils out next week, and the nurse told me to feed her lots of popsicles,
• Pudding
• And yogurt. Check! Check! Check!
• Napkins were on the list, but they won't be again before mister mrtl gets home.
• Hurray for Horny Toes!

My friend noted we had made a mistake in our timing. We were too early for the free samples lunch. Such a shame. I shall keep that in mind next time I go. I'll also keep in mind to never go to this place alone. I saw how easy it was to get sucked into the Vortex of Bulk Shopping; if the kids aren't with me to complain about the time spent there, how they're hungry or need a nap, I'd probably leave with an incurable case of Costco Chlamydia.

Mah Girls

(Drawing a blank on what to write, so I post pictures of the kids. Yes?)

September 14, 2007
File this under "Why We Must Get a Dog Someday." At the Denali Sled Dog Kennel, the ranger let the eight husky pups -- OH THE CUTENESS! -- run free. Bug had fun running around with them and trying to feed them leaves. Unfortunately Jem was fast asleep in the stroller.

August 31, 2007
The Alaska State Fair ROCKS!

September 4, 2007
Jem found an abandoned skateboard and knew just what to do. It is important to note that she had never before this day encountered a skateboard. Later at the playdate, she was mesmerized by the skaters at the nearby ramps; I had to retrieve her several times when she tottered over towards them.

August 30, 2007
Bucket o' Bugs

Piddley Widdley Stinky Pee

Huhwha? I haven't blogged about Joon? My Asian former roommate? Total lapse, there, y'all. I apologize.

I had the (dis)pleasure of meeting Joon during my cross-country summer-long move to escape the friction at home. Joon was my friend's roommate, who became my roommate by default. I have a few random memories of Joon, which I shall share with you now.

• He loved to play Othello on my Nintendo. He'd sit on the livingroom floor and play that game for hours. Upon plopping down to start a round, he'd throw his fists in the air and yell, "OTELLO!" (He had a bit of trouble getting the TH sound out.)
• One day he went out to wash his car. He came back in and complained that the soap he was using was removing the brown paint. The "soap" he was using was oven cleaner.
• His pee was super stinky. Really super stinky. I'd avoid going into the bathroom for at least an hour after him, even if he just peed, it was so super stinky. Why did his pee smell like that? I never could figure that out. He did eat a lot of rice, but I lived in Japan for three years and never smelled anything like that. (Yeah, yeah, he was Korean and I'm totally generalizing. Like the rice is that different.)

This last one. Oh my. Last night I hosted a mommy meetup. After everyone had left I went into the bathroom and was HIT by that very same smell. In an instant I was back in Joonland, 1991, checking the bowl and floor for wayward shots. Surely it must've been one of the several little boys who came over. Gah! What were their mothers feeding them? I grabbed the Clorox wipes and Febreze spray to douse the room. I don't know when I'll be able to bring myself to go back in there.

Just writing this has given me a phantom recollection. don't.want.to.breathe...

Animal Humor Gone Bad

First there was this, on a piece of paper taped under the register in a gas station near Wasilla.

This is worse than meeting Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme, the four goats our old friends in England had and planned to eat.

Then, today in the commissary parking lot, was this. What is this? A democrat? Surely not a gay homosexual, considering the vehicle also had a USAF sticker on it in this Don't Ask, Don't Tell world. I'm still clueless.

I wasn't the only person in the lot pulling out my cellphone to capture this. Mr. Ass Lover is probably going to have some complaints logged against him for displaying this sticker.

Mr. Ass Lover. Has me humming Shabba Ranks.

Mr. Ass Lover. Shabba!

feeling old and nostalgic

It's been over seven years since I left teaching. The boxes have sat, untouched, since I packed them up in my last classroom.

Today I ordered a dumpster to come mid-October. My goal is to have all the crap ready to be dumped in a nice, lovely pile in the garage. That means the boxes, too. Between now and then I need to go through them and [keep everything anyway] clear out the things I'll never use again.

I made it through 2 1/2 boxes today before I had to stop; too much was going into the keep pile. I came across a book that one of my sweet sixth graders gave me, a book of poems she wrote, including a letter to me about what a great teacher I was. I noticed her phone number was inside, so I called it. Ten years later, her older brother (whom I also taught) answered. She's married with a kid of her own. Her mother gave me her address.

And it all comes rushing back. I'm trying to remind myself now of all the reasons I left teaching. No, the students wasn't one of them; they were why I stayed as long as I did.

if you're offended, i'll blame captain morgan

dear bryan,

i realize it's "the biggest loser" norm to go topless on the scale, but dude, your man boobs had me thinking they were going all national geographic on us when you stepped up there. i look forward to your continued weight loss and the shrinkage that will result.

~mrtl

Fisher Price Boycott

Yeah, that's right, Fisher Price. I'm pissed and am so OVER you. I am sick -- and tired! (think Bill Cosby) -- of your overzealous packaging practices. NO MORE!

Take your L'il Treasure Hunt set, for example. It's worth $5.00, but the damned thing has no fewer than four horrendously twisted wires holding it into the packaging -- make that into the inner plastic packaging as well as the inner cardboard packaging. GAH! The Pirate Ship was much worse. Both pirates were wired in from the front AND the back. And of course there were twisties impossibly twisted into the bottom of the ship (how the hell did you get it in there, anyway??). My child had quite the meltdown waiting for me to get the thing unwrapped for her. Did I mention she started saying, "MINE!" this week? Yeah. With the yeti scream. "EEEEEEEEEEE!!!! MIIIIIINE!!!!!"

Seriously, I understand you're concerned that people are going to try to steal merchandise, worse yet individual little people or animals from the sets, but get real already! This is fucking ridiculous. Really, if I wanted to steal the Treasure Hunt, the packaging is small enough to be hidden. That's right, I wouldn't have to bother unwrapping Roberto and His Loader until I got home. uh oh, Does that mean you're going to set a minumum packaging size for all of your products?

::tangent about Roberto::
ah HELL no. This shit ain't right. Making a little social commentary about hispanics and cheap road crew labor? Oh, and look, the Asian girl, Sonya Lee runs the pet groomer. You think people aren't going to notice that little white boy DREW gets to fly the rescue chopper? And the little white girls, Sarah Lynn and Elena get to go camping and picnics. That's going to get a double: WTFreakin'F?
::end tangent about Roberto::

Yeah, Fisher Price, I hope you notice all the linking from mrtland to your site and check it out. I hope you read this and learn that your twisties -- as well as your racist depictions -- have driven away a customer.

That is all.