I'm drunk, and right now I'm so annoyed with you

Of all the things I'd like to accomplish tonight with the cleaners coming tomorrow and all, and considering Jem's tendancy to screech and the need to triage my priorities, I settled on two Must Do's: pump and shower. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow, you see, and I'd really rather not take Jem to it. Mister mrtl will be home tomorrow. Sleeping, but here. So tonight I planned to pump so I could leave her to hopefully cuddle with him in bed and sleep with him.

After finally getting her settled in bed (and hopefully to sleep until 4:30 like she did last night), I had a glass of wine to relax myself to get pumpin'. Well, what do you know. One glass didn't work, so I poured a second. We all know what ONE glass of wine does to me (see my last post if you don't). So now not only am I fucking drunk, but I've got the munchies and am working on a roll of Ritz crackers (to go with my string cheese since I don't have any port wine cheese and Club crackers damnit), which I will surely finish, which makes me feel so bad about my bwopping because I've already been bad today, what with the

::tangent for a taste of Heaven::
Today I took my girls to Fred Meyer. The last time we went, Bug bugged me about wanting to go into the playground,

::tangent within a tangent to describe::
Fred Meyer has "Freddy's Playland," where they offer an hour's worth of free care while parents are a-shoppin'. I need to ask another mom of a kid Bug's age to join me sometime for coffee to take advantage of this. It was wonderful.
::end tangent within a tangent to describe::

and even though we were only there for a couple things, I caved and signed her in before I went to the register. When I went back a few minutes later, she pretty much told me to go away. ("I'm not ready to come out!") She was having too much fun. So like any accommodating/enabling Momma, I took the opportunity to take myself straight....

::tangent within a tangent within a tangent because I want to::
Just mentioning that the second glass is now hitting me, and it took me fucking forever to write this because even though I'm drunk I'm still too fucking anal about my spelling and grammar to ignore the typos.
::end tangent within a tangent within a tangent because I want to::

...to the in-store Starbucks for a caramel latte and some milk chocolate covered graham crackers. O.M.G. those graham crackers. I could live off of them, you know. Fuck nutrition. I love them.

::tangent within a tangent within a tangent because... I'm confused::
I'm confused now. Where the fuck was I? I'm so drunk. This is pathetic.
::end tangent within a tangent within a tangent because... I'm confused::

::end tangent for a taste of Heaven::

Later I bribed Bug to take Daddy dinner (since he didn't have time to pack it) with strawberry ice cream, which of course I helped her eat.

I'm not on a diet. I'm not on a diet. I'm NOT on a diet. Even though I signed up to be on the Debu_team today, I'm not on a diet. I'm taking advantage of breastfeeding to lose my baby weight, is all.

Why settle for great lashes when you could be fabulash? I want to be fabulash. I need to trash all my makeup, though, because the media has told me all my shit is old. Oh shit. I'm so drunk. WTF am I talking about now? And I'm almost finished with the roll of Ritz. And I can't stop laughing. Goodness me. Dios mio.

That should have been a tangent, but now I'm too drunk/lazy to make it one. Give me another Ritz. (3/4 through the roll now). I should be pumping but I can't stop my fingers from typing this ridiculous shit. I do hope you're amused; I'm certainly amusing myself. And may I also say I'm totally impressing myself because I'm taking the 6 out of myself and the r out of because and correcting all my typos even though I am fucking up every word.

For the sake of amusing my readers, I will not correct anythig more. I'll let you sete just how crappily I type whn I'm working on two glasses of wine. Shit. Now aI'm typing more slowly twso I do'nt mess up. And it's making me laugh so hard. I feel like Charlie in Glowers for Algernon. bug but I'm not retrted. I'm trying to shard not to spit 9ut my ritz now. sheeeeit. i hope yo're as amuse as i am that i'm not correcting my typing.

i otold mr mistrl that i would be posting soon. he's wrking a wswing tonight. lol i should be pumping. ew the ritz are lik paste in my mouth an i can't stop laughing i am going to wake the girls. I need to get in control of myself. Look at how my concentration affects my typing. I'mtotaly caoncentrated now -- now I 'm not I'm laughing again and at hw I screwe that up. enough already I need to ftgo take a shower. and try to upump somwe smore. Smore - chocolate mmmmmmmm... Stacye? are you evenr going to post again? I's been so long!

::tangent for PSA::
Talk to your doctor about PHV. It can lead to ceerviacal cancrrer. It almost edid for me. Really.
::tan end tangent for PSA::

I kdon't like editing my jo NOT enditing myself. Gah!
::end tangent for PSA::

The End.\

::end tangent for `racker note::
I'm sipitting out my titz now - hee titz 0-- i i have gou t four cracker left in my roll. good thing ai don't have the bo x here to look at the ==nose eitch-- health contoent of the crakers because i'd totallhy be freaking out now becuae u i burned 100 no 10 no guck you hands 200 calories last ngight on my ddrDDR. hahahahahahahhaa i'm going to wak e th e girls with my alaughing. I hope my moherther's not reading this my cheeck itches now i can't belivee i'm such a lightweight.
end tangetn:: end tangent ofr cracker note - shit i'm laughing to hard now""

I think i'll go take a shower now. I ope I don't drown. ti I think I oewe mister mrtl a dollar for togay because i'm not going to dance otnnight. I feel guliltiny about working tonihtght with my current state. Sheeeeeeit.

My mothuth ois psasty wiht ritz.

----

p.s. to mister mrtl i totally smell the cat shit please clean out the little littler litter when you get home bacbecuause it emsmalsmells =-= luaghing so ghard -- liek shit as well it should but i't's making em \\skcik ti you. yo.

====

uopgdate: i have now finished the roll of tiritz -- heheh titxz -- and i really don't liek commandr in chand chiefl.

----

i still haven't let down. wtf?

Comments

[Bente]

Hahahahhahahahahaaaaa. You are hilarious!

[~Kabe]

I'm so proud of you for not correcting typos! I'm laughing down here!

(Even drunk, my own anal nature shines through. It's pathetic.)

[mrtl]

mister mrtl wrote me an email suggesting i take this post down, that i'll be embarrassed by it tomorrow.

whatev. dude. drunk happens.

[mrtl]

p.s. If you didn't notice, the title is Nine Inch Nails-inspired. ("I'm drunk, and right now I'm so in love with you...")

[mrtl]

Don't I seem so SOBER when I correct my spelling? ha

[Bente]

No, don't take it down! I think it's silly funny, not embarassing funny.

[mrtl]

Bente - That's what I told him. Considering the other stuff I've posted here that is way more ... egregiously embarrassing (no corrections there - what does it mean??)... I don't think I'll feel compelled to banish it.

[Susie]

You ARE FABULASH! Oh, gosh, this was fun. I was wishing I were drunken blogging with you. When I come back, we should organize a wine-off, or some such. Some late night, minimum 2 glasses, blogging event ;) Love you.

[sheryl]

We are quite amused. (To be read in the queen's accent)

I cannot type if I have had a drink. I am a terrible typist even sober. I can spell, I just cannot type without mistakes. The worst part is I never type my own name without mistakes.

Did you DDDR (DDR while drunk)?

[mrtl]

Susie - It would have to be a special occasion, as I will definitely be avoiding the dreaded second glass from now on. I done learned my lesson.

sheryl - For comparison's sake I should blog sometime sober and not correct anything. I'm pretty bad. No - no DDRing last night; that would have been asking for an injury. I went to sleep, despite all the things I still needed to do. Jem woke up for a feeding at 3:30, and I stayed up to pump (success! woot!) and finish straightening up the family room for tomorrow. I think I'll try to get some more sleep now. G'night!

[Von Krankipantzen]

This was so much fun to read. I could totally picture you sitting there laughing your ass off. I get the same way with 2 glasses of wine so I could completely relate. You are the best.

[The Kept Woman]

Issuing you a citation for blogging while intoxicated- it's a misdemeanor, but lets just keep ourselves under control, mmmk, ma'am?

(you think and type the same way I do when I'm drinking...I have a very hard time maneuvering through word verifications when I've had one...not a few...only one...that's all it takes because I'm just sad)

[mrtl]

Kranki - I'm lucky I didn't choke on my crackers.

TKW - Funny, the last time this happened I was creative (see this and the few posts that follow it).

[kalki]

Okay, I feel like a total wino now because it would take a whole bottle to get me that drunk.

I love your crazy-ass self!

[cat]

Oh... my. You make me laugh! That was hilarious! I got totally lost in your tangents about tangents within tangents somewhere, though... Help?

[lawbrat]

I did the same thing last night. Except I didnt care about typos at all. I posted it, but I think Phil when in and made it private. I'll email it to you. You'll get a good laugh.

[amy]

Amused? Yes, Miss Mrtl. Just reading this now and this was all kindsa great. I am going to read it again, just for fun.

[Lori]

That was most entertaining. Initially I kept thinking "she can't be that drunk, there's no typos or spelling errors"

Good to see your can let yourself go, if just a bit. A whole roll of Ritz - you wild woman!

[Von Krankipantzen]

BTW-am I the Stacye that doesn't post often enough?

:-)

[Annejelynn]

no more wine for you, lil' girl! I will never think of a Ritz cracker the same way (whatever way that was), without thinking of yOU! LOL

[mrtl]

kalki - It used to take me more... Then I became the perpetual designated driver and responsible one. It's rare that I have more than a drink (two only if time allows and plenty of water is included).

cat - I'm still trying to sort out my tangents today.

lawbrat - Eeek! Will email you back.

amy - No video will be included here. ;)

Lori - HA! Yeah - I got all drunk and lost my inhibitions with the Ritz roll. My stomach hurts from laughing again.

Kranki - Naw, girlfriend. This one's call sign is smoore, which is why I thought of her when I made that typo.

Annejelynn - I don't even like Ritz that much. They were there, chika, they were there.

[wordgirl]

Oh dear....you sound positively waxed. But in a good way.

[pea]

You are hysterical :)))

[mmc]

So behind here, but DAMN! You are funny!

[jomama]

I'm behind too. That had me cracking up. That's the funniest drunk blogging I've ever read.