An Examination of Religion, Part IV

Part I | Part II | Part III

Alternate Titles:
Anger
Shaken, but Not Stirred

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God,

You're an asshole.

mrtl

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I just reread my An Examination of Religion, Part III post, wherein I first erupted with such blasphemous talk, and realize that I was wrong. Not wrong about God being an asshole, mind you. I was spot on with that. The whole fate thing, though? About how it's a way for me to not be pissed? About how it gives me peace when horrible things happen to people? Bullshit.

Maybe that's true when there's no personal connection. Maybe not. Maybe I haven't truly been tested since I adopted this philosophy. Whatever the case may be, I'm not willing to blindly accept Nikki's death as how things had to be. It shouldn't have happened. It's not fucking fair. She was good people. She went out of her way to reach out to others, to be a cheerleader, to spread sunshine, even when her own heart was broken, when it would have been totally understandable -- expected even -- for her to spend her time wallowing in her sadness.

That's what gets me the most. I can't help but think that if something happened to mister mrtl, to one of my girls, I'd be so withdrawn in my grief that the last thing I'd be able to do is focus my empathy elsewhere. Sure, one can hide plenty behind a keyboard, but I never once sensed an underlying sadness with Nikki, so big was her heart that there was plenty to spread, so strong was her ability to reach through the monitor and hug the hell out of you.

::tangent to breathe and maybe smile::
Hug the hell out of you. That makes me think of Susie and her "The Jesus in Me Loves the Hell Out of You." (Where's the t-shirt?) By the way, Jesus isn't an asshole, but I still don't believe he should be wearing tighty whiteys.
::end tangent to breathe and maybe smile::

Where do I go from here? My personal philosophy has been blown apart. I feel lost, faithless. I need to resolve -- or at least comfort -- the conflicting thoughts, to relieve the anger and the sadness that has me so wrapped up that I find myself tearing up at random moments.

What would help here? Maybe if something good comes of Nikki's death. It wouldn't totally rectify the loss, but it would offer some degree of peace. Then again, I don't like having a contingency that rests on fate or circumstance itself. I must be proactive. Something good must come of this. Her memory must be honored.

My head is about to explode here. I'm not finished, but I need to take a break and chew on this for a while.

Comments

[~Kabe]

Unbelieveable.

I send all my thoughts of strength to you and your friends and families. I know you are all grieving.

[Bente]

I didn't even know Nikki outside of reading comments she left on your's and other blogs, but I've said so many times today - How is this possible? It's just not right that this much sadness has been laid on one family. I don't get it, it's just not fair.

[Susie]

I have been unable to put words together, yet, about Nikki. I hope I will in a day or so. I will say this, relevant to what you've said here. You say you didn't sense an underlying sadness in Nikki. I don't know that I would call it that. I do know that she (I'd have to check the date, but it was fairly recently) wrote to me that if not for her doctoring, if not for helping people, she wouldn't be able to get out of bed in the morning. Her missing Sarah was so profound.
It sucks for us. I don't dispute that for one moment. Because I believe that Nikki is with Sarah, I also believe that she wouldn't change things one bit.
Because she knew she was leaving for a year, she got the gift of being able to say a big goodbye to everyone she loved. And we got the gift of being able to say it to her! The sisters went with her to NY before she departed, for a final, and I understand, wonderful fling. Unplanned, spur of the moment. What a gift. Ordinary humans don't get that kind of gift, that saying goodbye and I love you to everyone, unless they're dying slowly of a terrible illness. Nikki died in the process of doing what she loved.
Please, everyone, understand, I'm not saying this was a good thing. I don't know how her family is going to go on. But I know they will, because that's what they do. They're amazing. What I am saying is that there are some factors here, that may make this not what it first appears.
I love Nikki like crazy. And I am so thankful I got to tell her so.
I know our beliefs are different, mrtl. I don't know what you believe about where or how Nikki is now. I believe she's with Sarah. I don't believe she'd come back if she could. Believing this is really all that makes her leaving even a little bit bearable.
You know me, sweetie. If you wanna call bullshit on any of this, have at it. I still love you. XOXOX

[candace]

This is why I've often felt like it's better to have faith than not. I used to have faith, in God, in heaven, in Jesus. Life was comfortable.

Then I lost it all and life became scary and big and uncertain. Every death I've experienced since I lost my faith has been met with heavy sadness; because I lost heaven, I don't have that "so-and-so is with his/her loved ones" belief any more. Death is the end and that's it, in my mind. While that belief certainly makes dealing with death so much harder, it also makes me live my life so much more than I used to.

I understand your confusion and your pain right now, mrtl, I really honestly do.

[Susie]

Even with faith, I haven't found life to be all that comfortable. There's still plenty of scary and big and uncertain.

I like what you say, Candace, about living your life more. Any belief system that encourages us to live our lives to the fullest, is a good one. Is one that honors life. Or, to me, one that honors God. I forget who said it: "The glory of God is the human being fully alive."

That is one more thing about Nikki: the woman LIVED her life. And remembering to do that, is surely a way to honor her, too.

Faith doesn't take away confusion and pain. At least it doesn't for me; I can't speak for other people's faith. It gives me a . . . a lens through which to examine it, maybe.

mrtl, you know I applaud you taking on such topics here. They are important things for all of us to consider, to clarify what we do and don't believe.

[debutaunt]

Nikki was extraordinary. I'm with you... if something happened to someone I loved I would just want to withdraw and hide.

I do try to think that Nikki is with Sarah. I think maybe it's my own inability to cope with the situation, and the thought of them together comforts me somehow.

God is an asshole sometimes though. On that I agree. But he still does some pretty good things for me on occasion.

Hugs to you, M. I think we all need a bunch.

[Nina]

Having lost a child . . . you do go on. It never leaves you. But you do go on . . . it is love that keeps you going. The one thing we know for certain is that death is inevitable.
Sometimes it seems too early and if that is only five months of life or 30 years. That life has touched others, made things better. Brought love and happiness . . .
Death is the hardest on those left behind. I don't know where we go after death, but I would so like to believe that we go home. That we are reunited with those who have gone before us.
We were created with the ability to feel anger . . . so it is okay to be angry. It just is . . .

Hugs to you.

[ieatcrayonz]

I don't blame God for what happened to Nikki. I blame human free will. The driver made a fatal error in judgement while driving the Jeep that Nikki was riding in. I just can't blame God for human wrecklessness.

It sounds like it was just an accident. They happen all the time, all around us. My brother came to visit yesterday, and he called me while he was on the interstate saying he thought he just witnessed somebody die as they rammed their car up underneath a semi. Every day this happens. Here in the US, in Europe, in Asia, and even in Cambodia. It just stings so much more when it happens to somebody you love. It's wrong that SWLF had to go through this again so soon after Sarah's death. But I find solace in the fact that Nikki and Sarah are together again.

[mrtl]

~Kabe - Thanks, sweetie.

Bente - I agree. It seems like some people get the heaps of grief, while others are just about completely spared. Why is that?

Susie - Lots of residual RC here, so Heaven/Hell aren't too farfetched (idealistically, at least -- the slight realist in me doesn't buy it, but I really want to not think life ends at death). I believe that Nikki and Sarah are together now, and it helps. I also don't doubt for one second that Nikki was hurting from Sarah's loss, that the wounds were fresh; it's knowing that that made her such an incredible woman and inspiration, especially in her involvement with Deb. Wouldn't that have her constantly reliving Sarah's ordeal, making it that much more painful? Maybe that's how she honored Sarah. I am so glad the sisters were able to see Nikki before she left.

Candace - Herein is what I see as the best thing about religion: it give people something to cling to when there's nothing. (Granted, some find it possible to cling when there's something, even when the things conflict, which is where I get really confused (like science v. religion). Like my old philosophy prof said, why must these things be mutually exclusive? Death is the one area where my "religion" is strongest. Common sense tells me that life ends at death, but I can't come to terms with that. Since there's no "proof" that this is true, I'll believe what I want.

Susie - I'm envious of those whose faith allows them to accept anything that befalls them. The rebel in me, though, would never allow it. I've always believed that if you're not happy with things, change them. And if you can't change the world, change yourself, right? Nikki did live her life, and I think that would be a beautiful tribute to her memory. Something to chew on. Part V may be closer than I thought...

deb - No doubt there are blessings, and I'm counting mine as directed. It's the bad I can't get over, especially with the faithful saying things like, "It was God's will" (will = malicious intent in my book). And really, couldn't He have come up with a less painful kick in the ass?

Nina - I'm so sorry to hear that. I can't imagine the pain. Still, I know that life would continue; other options I don't see open. What gets me about Nikki is that, despite her pain, she was right back in the trenches with Deb, she was selflessly giving of herself, both there and with her journey to Cambodia. Who knows what other greatness was to be. This sucks.

yonzie - I'm trying to get my head into that, but find it hard to separate it from the whole God's will thing, that everything is His plan. It's the residual R.C. acting up again. What I learned from my years in the church are still with me, which is good in some ways, but detrimental in others (like this, because I see your beliefs as useful to resolving my anger with the Big Guy).

[Susie]

I was struck by your "accept anything that befalls them." You know some, though not nearly all, of the things that have befallen me. Believe me, if I had any choice, I would not have accepted many of them. I guess that's the point -- "is there a choice?" -- at which acceptance happens. It's the Serenity Prayer thing. I'm pretty sure that we agree, we must change the things we can. I came slowly, kicking and screaming, to the place that may look like acceptance :) And you are so right, self is the only thing over which we have power to change. And there are even limitations on that power.

I wish we could all have this discussion over something interesting to drink. XOXOX

[Susie]

Ah! Sorry to take up so much of your space, sweetie, I just find this conversation so stimulating. I saw what you wrote to Nina, "Who knows what greatness..." We will still see it! There is you. There is me. There is the way we will raise our daughters, a bit differently, because we knew her. There are her sisters, and nieces and nephews, who were touched by her, and who will live their lives differently because of it. And Deb, and Zoe, and so many people we don't know. I love your thought -- I just would not end it there -- if we look, we will still see. The greatness.

Please don't think I'm being Pollyannish about Nikki's having left. I am devastated. I'm not one to say, in a case like this, "It's for the best... God's will . . ." All that. God's will doesn't always happen here. That's not what this is about, for me. It is, for me, about what I can do something about, and what I can't. I can't get her back. And perhaps, not by my choice, I have more practice than many at beginning to look for the good in the midst of the crap. It is not practice that I would wish on anyone.

[RzDrms]

In light of all of this, on Easter Sunday, I say (with you)...

Who can turn the world on with her smile?
Who can take a nothing day, and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?
Well it's you girl, and you should know it
With each glance and every little movement you show it

Love is all around, no need to waste it
You can have a town, why don't you take it
You're gonna make it after all
You're gonna make it after all

::sniff::

God Bless You Today, Mrtl and Family. From me to you.

[mrtl]

Susie - I have encountered people who seem eerily calmed and at peace with what I see as painful losses or experience. I'm not saying there's a certain way people should act or react, just that I wish I could believe something so strongly that, even in the face of such pain, I could stay unwavered. While I can easily say, "That's the way it is. It's out of my hands," that doesn't mean that I'm going to blindly/mutely accept. I'm a bitcher and a whiner.

Yes, the greatness shall continue. It's just so damn sad.

Rz - Lovely! Happy Easter! I'll put your blessing in my pocket, too, since I'm counting them.

[Susie]

mrtl, I think I've seen the people you're talking about. I have sometimes envied them, too. And I have sometimes thought they are mentally ill. (not kidding.) And it is, so damned sad.

[amy]

Death sucks. I have just spent an hour this morning getting to know Nikki and Sarah and the SWLF family, did not know them before, but I went to Susies blog this morning and then went from blog to blog to comments, gleaning all I could about this amazing person Nikki and her people. Wow.

[Nina]

I won't argue that it sucks, because yes it does. People grieve in different ways. Even those who seem eerily calmed and at peace may appear that way on the outside. But inside may be a different story.
------------------------------------
An example: Most people thought I was the strongest woman alive. Single mom, working, finishing my education. Two preschool children and a kindergartner. Those same people never saw me in the shower falling apart . . . or the tears I shed in the bathtub at night. Or the tears after the kids were in bed . . . etc. I had to be strong for my kids, I didn't want their world to be shaken any more than it already was, so I looked strong and calm, and had it all together.
-------------------------------
Giving of herself I would think helped Nikki with her pain of losing Sarah. Being strong for her family. Being there for Deb and so many others. As well for being a doctor makes it different. I have seen it in John, loses are expected . . . dealing with it differently. Death is a part of their job, not sure I am making sense. It is in their nature to strive harder to win this one, to help someone else.

This is sad, it sucks, there is no doubt about it.

[kalki]

I'm not mad at God because I don't believe there's a god to be mad at. No grand plan, no reason for why things happen. They just do.

Of course, that means I also don't believe in any happy afterlife ending here, which means what happened is just utterly, inconsolably sad.

[cat]

Hey, mrtl. I have no idea who Nikki is (though I am interested in finding out, she sounds phenominal) so I really don't have a clue as to what's going on here, but my thoughts are with you, babe. And with Nikki's family.

I'm with Yonzie on this. We have free will. God isn't up there pulling strings, rewarding some people, hurting others. We are good enough at doing that ourselves. We make mistakes, or other people make mistakes and that can affect us negatively when we didn't do anything to deserve it. Bad things happen to good people, and sometimes good people die. Duh. I guess all good peole die eventually, but you know what I meant, right? But really, I do believe in an afterlife, so maybe that's why-- while the death of a loved one hurts sometimes worse than we think we can bear-- in the end, I know we will see them again. They'll be around to greet us when it's our time to head out. And while death is an end to this existence, it's just the beginning of the next journey. I don't know what that journey is, but I'm not afraid of it.

See, I guess I just can't believe that there ISN'T a grand plan. Otherwise, what's the point? Why bother? What would be the purpose of being here on earth, learning, growing, suffering, rejoicing, living? I don't know the answers. I just know what's in my heart. Just thought I'd share.

Big hugs and smooches, mrtl. (And yes, I will totally be up for some pie around Turkey Day, if you know what I mean!)

[janasayqua]

I have a lot to comment, but I think I need a little while to garner up exactly what it is I want to say.

I have 'recovering Catholicism' too, and my daughters both go to Catholic school (my choice). I could write a 40 page term paper on my thoughts and would still not sum it all up. (and you had four installments! Bravo!)

So much is due to the human spirit needing an answer. I can remember when my grandpa died, his sister said to me, "I know he's up there right now fishing with Dad."

Not a few weeks prior to him dying, my grandfather spoke to me of how his father beat him senseless and was a drunk and how he was never good to him. Do ya think he really wants to spend eternity with a guy like that? No. But it comforted my great aunt tremendously to think that.

Well I could ramble on forever and still never end up with a point. My heart just aches for this family of people who seem amazing to me, even though I've never met them.

Hugs to you mrtl and your family. Go get some McDonald's and try to not feel any guilt! :)

[Von Krankipantzen]

I was raised a heathen and wrestle with the whys of it all. I guess I wish there was a Divine Justice in The Universe and a reason for everything and a way to make sense of it all but then things happen like this it raises those questions all over again and I don't feel any smarter or closer to knowing anything. What is destiny? What is free will? This that has happened is so wrong in so many important ways I just don't know if I can ever really process it. I guess we have to struggle through this together.

Hugs to you.

[mrtl]

Aaaaahhhhh - Till tomorrow this must wait.

[sheryl]

Just wanted you to know I'm here, too, with you in this.

I've been tongue tied.

I hug you.

[william]

Sorry I am late to comment, but what an awesome "conversation" going on here. I may be all over the place...
There are those of the religious mind that Isolate themselves from the cruel hardships of life. Ignorance is bliss. Then there are those of the religious mind that Insulate themselves. They understand the hardships but still make a choice to have faith and believe. Neither is a better way, but those that Insulate seem to be more open and have a firmer grasp of their beliefs and are more open for conversation.

God can be an asshole at times. Just like my Dad was an asshole to me sometimes. I am a better person for those times of his assholiness. I learned from that.

I am learning a little bit more about myself with Nikki. Not her death but what she offered with her life. If she did not die I do not think I could appreciate the extent that should be, of her greatness. Her death has brought to the foreground( for me) everything that she did with her life which the more I read the more amzing of a person she is.

[Daphne]

I'm just back to let you know I've been thinking about you.

[wordgirl]

I don't know what to think anymore. Really.

[LadyBug]

I didn't comment yesterday, because I wasn't sure what to say, so I wanted to spend some time thinking about this......Here's what I've come up with, and I hope I can phrase it so that it makes some sense...

I think about my children, and how much I love them. How much joy they bring me, how my happiness is largely dependent on whether they are healthy or happy, how they are the center of my world.

The thing is, even though they are part of me, they are also distinctly separate from me, with their own (often stubborn) wills, making their own choices. As much as I want to shelter them and protect them, to always keep them close and prevent any harm from befalling them, I can't stop them from making their own choices. So, Big Boy may take off running through the house at top speed, only to find himself suddenly falling face first onto the floor. And even though I'll feel terrible and guilty and horrible......well, you know, as mothers we can only do so much. We guide our children, care for them, love them...and then we hope for the best. And we just can't stop every bad thing from happening to them.

What we CAN do is be there for them when they fall (literally and figuratively), embracing them, comforting them, caring for them, letting them know we love them.

And...well, that's how I see it, I guess. God is my Father, instructing me, guiding me, loving me. But He can't stop every bad thing from happening. We humans have free will, we have choices; and sometimes people choose to be mean, or stupid, or careless. Bad things happen. They just do. To bad people, to good people...to wonderful people. And I believe that God hurts when we hurt. But He is also there to comfort us, to console us, to embrace us just as a mother embraces her child when he's hurting.

mrtl, I hope some of this makes sense. I'm finding it difficult to translate what I'm thinking and feeling into coherent sentences.

I love you, hon. And I respect you so much, for sharing such deep, raw emotions with us.

Love and hugs to you, my friend.

[ieatcrayonz]

Well said, Ladybug. That's exactly how I perceive it as well. God wants you to come to Him when you are hurting. Your prayers aren't layered with fluffed up filler words. It's the real deal. Sometimes our true test of faith comes in difficult times.

I still wrestle with the mention of "God's Plan," which I'm sure exists. I just don't know how it works on a global and macro level. And I almost always come to the conclusion after thinking about it for awhile that I don't want to know. Answered prayers. Unanswered prayers. Sorrow. Joy. It's bigger than us.

[lawbrat]

LadyBug, I love you. I completely respect Mrtl's point of view, and do not feel any less for her opinions, but I think you put it perfectly. He is our Father, we can go to Him and find comfort.

Its not so easy, so black and white. Many times I wonder- why this now? When will it end?
I still can't accept Nikki's death. I do try to tell myself- she is now with Sarah, happy and with Sarah. It dosent make the pain less. Why do the sisters have to go through this? It dosent make sense, and it wont right now. Thats where faith comes in for me. Its something to grab onto, in my world of why's.

[Susie]

I have to back up my Christian girls, here ;)
Well said, everyone. Like you, mrtl, I don't have much patience with people saying that tragedies are "God's will." Not everything that happens is God's will. Many things that go wrong are due to one or many human errors, accidental or otherwise. Not everyone is about doing God's will, and God will not override our choices. I do believe, however, that God is very much in the business of making beautiful things out of awful things. That is a part of my faith.

[little sister]

I'm so sorry to hear that...I barely kept up with SWLF, but first Sarah fought not to die and now Nikki by accident less than 6 months later? That's just wrong.

I understand your being angry and mad. And I agree, chalking it up to fate doesn't work in this, but I don't know what does. As a sister heathen, all I can say is I'm sending thoughts of comfort your way...

*hugs*
lil sis

[eclectic]

Late to this party, but not indifferent. I guess faith doesn't have to mean "faith in God" as we know it in north america. I have faith that just as "evil" is possible in each person, so is "good"; that day will follow night; that the effort to be kind is always worth what it costs you, even if it's never repaid. Do I believe in "God" as "he" is marketed here? Nope. But I have faith in lots of other things, many of which are corroborated by people I know who DO believe in "God." So I don't see it as a great divide; rather, merely a difference in source. Mrtl, I love how open this post is, and how generous you're being with your comments section. Nikki's loss is personal to me in ways I won't disclose, but I'm having a hard time adjusting to the loss of her presence in the here and now. But I do think that what's best for Nikki may not necessarily be what's best for me. I don't begrudge her the release from her pain. I miss her, though.

[mrtl]

Not ignoring... just digesting. Will respond at some point.

[mrtl]

Susie - It's been a comfort and a bit of a shock to discover here that that is not as prevalent a belief as I thought. It's been difficult getting my head into that. There's enough bouncing around up there to do a fifth installment, but I'm not ready to write it yet.

Amy - I've found many deaths almost acceptable. Sad, but understandable. I don't think my issue here is with death, but with life taken too soon.

Nina - You're proof, and make such an excellent point. Having responsibilities, obligations, makes a huge difference. Nikki, through her blogging, created her own (in addition to work and family). Hugs to you; I don't want to imagine that pain.

kalki - Something I've struggled with is just letting go. Too much God in my head from my childhood.

cat - Like I said earlier, the whole God's will is too far in my head. Even when I try to tell myself that people have free will, I counter it with the thought that God gave us free will, so it's still His fucking fault.

jana - Death is my big void. There are no givens, so it's ours to imagine. I don't think I've decided what I want there yet. -- And thanks, now I have a Big Mac on the brain.

Kranki - I suppose it will take retrospect to figure it out, to realize what good came. Some have already talked about self-awareness, of paying Nikki's greatness forward. That may be her legacy. It's not a bad one at all.

sheryl - Hugs back. I'm still working out my knots.

William - All over the place, but so many incredible points. Thank you for sharing them. I've often felt those who comfort themselves (aka hide behind their religion) are ignorant. I'm not proud of this. It disturbs me when someone should be in pain but isn't showing it. I realize that people mourn in different ways, and some are better at hiding it. It's a disconnect that I haven't been able to completely resolve.

Thanks Daphne!

wordgirl - That's pretty much where I am right now, too. WTF?

LadyBug - It makes complete sense, and I thank you so much for sharing this. Cat was heading in this direction, with the free will. Again, there's a part of me that says that God controls that, too. And that leads me to thinking about why I'm spending so much time trying to resolve this. Why can't I just let go? It's exasperatin'.

yonz - hmmmm... So what y'all are saying here is that God is not a micromanager? I'm thinking about it.

lawbrat - Thank you for weighing in on this! I'm beginning to figure out the reason for my disconnect. Installment V is a definite at some point.

Susie - Again, thank you. I like this line: "Not everyone is about doing God's will, and God will not override our choices."

little sister - Thank you.

eclectic - I don't like the marketing here either. God totally needs to fire his PR team.