Pain

I am a candy ass.

That sums it up. I have no tolerance for pain (except, strangely enough, for head injuries, since I appear to have an extremely hard head).

It is because of this that I am in a way terrified of giving birth here. At a military hospital.

Let me back up a little. A few days after being farted on, I went to the farter's house for a party. There I met a woman -- let's call her Fern -- who was very close to her due date. As is to be expected, we ended up talking pregnancy and birth.

::tangent for the sake of a tangent::
Speaking of Fern, we emailed back and forth last week about getting together sometime for coffee or lunch (she lives here in ER). When I saw a familiar face at the commissary today, I said hello, that I recognized her, but couldn't remember from where. Turns out that it was Fern. You had to be there. It was really quite amusing. She didn't know who I was either (till she heard my name).
::end tangent for the sake of a tangent::

Anyway, Fern had told me about how, at her OB orientation, there was mention of there being no promises of epidurals there if the birth was happening after hours or on the weekend, that an on-call anethesiologist may not be able to get to the hospital in time to administer it. (Apparently some of their doctors chose to live over an hour away from the hospital -- fuckers.)

Let's reflect on this for a moment. While reflecting, keep in mind what I said above, that I am due on a Sunday, and some facts about Bug's birth (quotation marks used to emphasize moments that bring me pain by the memory alone):

1. I was at the hospital at 6am for my planned induction. Bug was born at 10:19pm. That means there were several hours of "pushing," y'all, enticing the stupid idiot nurse to actually suggest that I reconsider my Very Strong Feelings Against Allowing Anyone to Say "PUSH! PUSH! PUSH! PUSH! PUSH!" which made me instead consider bitch slapping her multiple times for even saying it.

::tangent::
I recently unearthed my birth plan for Bug, which included the line: "I would like the environment to be kept as quiet as possible (with absolutely no one saying, "Push! Push! Push!")." Don't get me wrong; I was in no way going for a Scientology-type birth (I will not use that TC name here as I don't find it in good taste and will not give him press). Prior to Bug's arrival, I had obsessively watched "A Baby Story," and knew that when, in a relaxed environment, that shit grated on every last nerve of mine, so hell if I was going to allow such obnoxious behavior when in a more stressful environment. I gave the nurses plenty of optional phrases to use. All were wonderful about it except one. Bitch apparently had no creativity or self-control, and practically begged me to allow her to say it, insisting that it would help me. Whatev.
::end tangent::

2. Delusional in thinking that it would be "enough" and wanting to "participate" in the birth, I had a "partial" epidural.
3. All was fine until Bug's big "head" got a little "stuck" in my pelvis.
4. The doctor then attempted to "move" her, by putting his "hand" (which wasn't small, if you know what I'm saying) up "there" and manually trying to "twist" her into position.
5. In my desperation to stop the "hand" "twisting" Bug's head, I asked the doctor if he didn't have some vacuum thing he could suck her out with. He didn't, but offered to try "forceps."
6. In my desperation to stop the "hand" "twisting" Bug's head, I readily agreed to the use of "forceps."
7. Bug was "extracted" after two attempts with the "forceps."

How much do you want to bet that I'll be trying to arrange an induction this time around, too?

next week: holidays

----

Did you play? Let me know!

Cat, Susie

Comments

[Amy]

(Shudder)
The hand! The twisting! The 'ceps!

You get on that phone and demand a nice Tuesday birth, Mrtl. At least you will be far away from mrs "LetMeSayPushPlease".

[Bente]

They won't come in after hours or on the weekends? Good god, almost every birth you hear about is during those times! Do they even ever have to go in? Good luck on the 9-5 birth, I'll keep my fingers crossed for you. :)

[Dima]

Ok, OUCH! And, ok, I'm never having children! OUCH OUCH OUCH!

[kalki]

This makes me hurt. I am sitting here with my legs crossed - CLAMPED shut, actually - and I have no plans of ever uncrossing them. Ever.

[lawbrat]

Thats a good WTF too, with regard to the hours for an epidural. Geesh. I had my first emergency c-section, planned Hunter to a nice, scheduled c-section, and the little bugger still came early, born around 10:30 pm.

I dont think babies know how to come before 5pm and after 9 am. Hopefully this one will not come on the Sunday, but perhaps on the friday before, during regular business hours.

[pea]

Wow, that post is very much like birth control. :|

[mrtl]

Amy - Indeed. I would be much less nice about it without drugs.
Thanks Bente! I'm going to need all the help I can get.
Dima - Women who've given birth without have said they forget the pain. I don't buy it.
kalki - Glad to help.
lawbrat - You'd think it important enough to keep someone on hand for pain. How they could think it's not important enough is beyond me.
pea - Not intentional. Sorry.

[pea]

LOL - s'ok! I really, really hope that you manage to get 'full service' from the hospital!

[cat]

You know what, mrtl? We are like, twins, separated at birth or something! I was so TOTALLY addicted to TLC's "A Baby Story" too, I kid you not, but I mostly just sat staring at the TV, horrified by how loud and crazy-ass some women got in the throes of birth and all (Not that there's anything wrong with that! What can I say? I'm a quiet pusher! It's a Type A control thing, yo?).

And every other week some pregnant woman would inevitably say, "I changed my mind. I don't want to do this anymore!" and the doctor would say, "Um, lady? I hate to break it to you, but that baby's coming out one way or another..."

I especially LOVED (because I am a mean, hateful person) when a woman would go on and on in the interviews about her birth plan, which contained stipulations like "will discuss side effects and alternative comfort measures with my husband and doula before accepting any pain medication," and then when she actually got to the hospital she would say, "Get me DRUGS! NOW!" and the husband and doula would be like, "But, sweetie, I thought we--" and she would scream, "I said NOOOOOOOOOW, BIZNITCHES!"

Reality is a bitch, yo?

[danielle]

i have no tolerance for pian either, just wanted to stop in and say have a HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

[suburban misfit]

Urgh. That doesn't sound at all pleasant. And I had a horrible first birth but a wonderful second.

Hopefully you will, too.

[Dima]

Oh yeah, Misfit is probably right. I was the second child, and my mom said I "shot right out." But then again, I was only 7 lbs., as compared to my brother who, being her first baby, she, the petite 5'1" woman, was 11 lbs. And he was born ALL natural. I don't even think she had epidoral.

[Rookie Momma]

Ouch mrtl! I hate pain, needles, doctors, etc (as I'm sure you've gathered already) so I am SO not looking forward to giving birth. I don't know what crazy hospital thinks it isn't absolutely necessary to have an anethesiologist available 24/7! I'll keep my fingers crossed for you that you can have all the drugs you want when it comes time for Frida to arrive and that she comes fast.

I have a military doctor but will be delivering at a "real" hospital b/c the military hospital on base isn't staffed for births. You bet I've already informed my doc that I will be ready and willing to take drugs as soon as possible!

[Andrea]

1) Don't worry about your "due date" (keeping with the "quotes" trend here!) because it's usually just a guess, and most babies don't get the memo which states that is the date they are expected. So, barring another induction, you probably won't go into labor on a Sunday, and if you do schedule an induction, well...just don't schedule it for Sunday! :)

2) The whole intentional overuse of quotes reminded me of that old SNL character Chris Farley used to play. I could just picture you doing them with your fingers like he did. Hilarious!

[mrtl]

pea - Fingers and toes crossed!
cat - My favorite will always be the devout religious woman who praised Jesus and spoke of the beauty of bringing a child into the world (with no drugs), only to turn into a devilish wailing banshee during labor, yelling, "GET IT OUT OF ME!!!!"
danielle - Back at ya, babe!
misfit - I keep hearing that the second is easier. I really hope it's that way for me. (Bug's birth could have been a LOT worse, I know. Still)
Dima - I just can't imagine doing it without drugs. I'm so happy to live in this century.
Rookie Momma - I haven't seen a doctor yet. It's screwed up. I've seen three different nurses; I think one was a nurse midwife. I'll have to inquire next visit about that, and who exactly will be delivering Frida.

Goodfellow had the greatest setup. Why your base has OB/GYNs but won't deliver there is strange.
Andrea - There's a statistic floating around in my head that only about 20% of babies are born on their due dates. I also have floating around that we'll be in the dead of winter in February. It balances out.

Funny, I kept thinking of Cat's youngest. (See this post.)

[MrsDoF]

My first baby, the nurse gave me Demerol for pain, which she said some doctor had ordered. Next thing they know, my blood pressure drops, the baby's heart rate drops, they call in a couple other medical people.
Next thing I know, it's 6 hours later and I am in Intensive Care with a special duty RN beside the bed. I asked whether it was a boy or girl. The baby was over in the Nursery, and no one in ICU even worried about the baby--they were too busy with me.
The doctor told me to never, ever take Demerol again, the drug reaction nearly killed us.
So, the other two deliveries, not so much as a Tylenol. Once my mind was set, getting the baby out was not so bad.