Worst Date

What a refreshing change! I have TWO bad date stories to choose from, rather than the writer's block that has affected me for a while now. At first I thought I'd tell you both, but one is pretty long as it is.

Story time with mrtl

Eric wasn't someone I knew personally, or was even remotely attracted to. He was a friend of a couple friends of mine. I can't remember which of them set us up for the Homecoming dance senior year, although I'm leaning towards Chris, and it was probably as a return favor for his letting me borrow his letterman jacket for a spirit/ Homecoming week activity with poms (see picture for proof). Chris even acted as our chauffeur that night, but for some reason I remember him coming to dinner with us, too. I'm getting ahead of myself, though.

It was 1988, in a time of big hair and lace-overlay formal wear. My cream-colored dress was backless, which was a HUGE deal for me, since I had boobs, and I was never anything close to being a girly girl. I shopped carefully for just the right, itchy-as-all-hell backless bra to wear with the dress. Not being one to wear makeup EVER, it took quite some time to get ready. After I was carefully coiffured, I sat around, itchily and impatiently waiting for my chauffeur and date to show up. My mother sat with me, ready with the Poloroid to capture the magical moment. (She didn't get to see me in full-on girly mode very often, you see.)

When Eric finally showed up, he was wearing a fucking cardigan and Dockers.

::tangent::
It was at this moment during writing this that I decided to stop and peruse through my box of old pictures. My mother must have the picture. Instead, let me present a fashion moment for me: the Gap employee Christmas party, to which I wore the most unGaply of outfits: An old, thinned out pink sweatshirt, and a pair of Redskins boxers over an oversized pair of (my father's) long johns. I holding the coveted Opus I got in the gift exchange and smoking a cigarette. I know, you envy the girl I was. Don't be ashamed to admit it.
::end tangent::

Looking back, I'd like to refer to Eric as "poor schmuck," but I was the victim here. How dare he show up for a formal dance in a fucking cardigan and Dockers? Mr. Fucking Rogers is what I should be calling him. I had no sympathy for him when my father ridiculed his dress. I can't remember if my brother was around, too. If he was, he got double the taunts.

::tangent::
I was thinking this happened during my junior year, but other details point to it being my senior year. Chris and MFR graduated the year before me. That may explain MFR's disrespect for the sanctity of the Homecoming dance. Whatev. He was still a jackass.
::end tangent::

For a little while at least I though MFR had redeemed himself for the cardigan by his choice of restaurants. He selected The Brass Duck, at the time a -- at least to the high school set -- hoity toity restaurant. As I mentioned above, though, Chris joined us for the meal. He was meeting his date at the dance since she had already promised to go with another guy (her boyfriend -- she didn't have the best reputation).

::tangent::
One of my few memories of Chris's date, Lora, was told to me by a friend of mine (another Chris) who worked as a lifeguard at "The Club" (I have to laugh at the thought of a private country club in a town like Laurel, but there you go) in town. Lora frequented the pool there the summer before my senior year. One day she was tanning and had greased herself up completely with baby oil. Chris described in great detail watching a fly alight upon her bare belly as she lay there with her pasty self. At some point, Lora sat up. The fly, still on her stomach, was trapped in fat rolls. When Lora lay back down, the fly was a bit worse for wear and took a few minutes to gain his composure enough to fly away.
::end tangent::

Still being a little peeved about the cardigan, I ordered a nice steak (after being told to get whatever I wanted, mind you), prompting griping over the cost, and more when when I asked for ketchup with my steak, which was completely dried out and inedible when it got to the table. (I knew even then not to send food back to the kitchen. MFR did not.) MFR ordered a fruit plate, which he shared with Chris.

Is it surprising that, to me, the date ended here? I know MFR went to the dance, but I don't have any other memories involving him after the Steak Incident. (No, we didn't go Dutch. My dress cost more than he spent that night, so I harbored no guilt about not helping him with the bill.)

I do remember the party Chris had after the dance, drinking Kahlua with milk, and Chris hitting on me (Lora left the dance with her boyfriend, too, but I think she ended up at Chris's house later). He was a friend -- not someone I was attracted to -- and it cracked me up that as we sat talking, he tried to set the stage for a later booty call by telling me about a bicycle accident he had as a kid that rendered him infertile. Yeah, we're talking classy here. I got the hell out of there pretty fast.

next week: 15 minutes of fame

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Did you write something? Let me know!

Amy, Cat, eclectic, Hänni, Heathen, Jana, Kalki Kranki, Susie

~*~*~*~

Today on "Martha"

"Aaron just brought me this crock, and he said, 'This is if you want to spit.' But I don't wanna spit. I wanna swallow! It was that kind of weekend." (while talking wine with Lorraine Bracco)

Comments

[ScottyGee]

So you are saying cadigans don't qualify as formal wear? Oh man... I have to change my imaginary wedding dress code now. Hehehe.

Always order the steak.

[jana]

Yeah I would have not liked the cardigan. Geez!

I wonder where that guy is now. Making some lucky lady filled with happiness I'm sure.

Great post.

[The Fly]

That fat, greasy bitch. I've never been the same. Thank you for telling the story.

[william]

I am surprised that in highschool that Chris had the balls (or lack there off) to say he was infertile.

[jana]

Fly! Good to see you went on to have a healthy, oil-free life.

I played by the way. Excellent theme.

[Adrienne]

Should have ordered LOBSTER.

:-)

I love the christmas party photo. Classic. I too had a boy tell me that a past event rendered him infertile. I still keep track of him I'm waiting for him to get married now, so I can see if he has any kids.

[mrtl]

ScottyGee - ACK! (Actually, I'm the last person to judge wedding wear. I wore a pair of worn brown leather boots -- lovingly referred to as "potato skins," -- khaki shorts and an oversized light sweater to mine.

jana - Maybe Eric was saving all his money and effort for that special someone.

I'll be visiting later -- gotta get Bug to school and then get work done.

Fly - Poor thing, you. I'm glad to hear you survived the encounter. I was convinced for the longest time that you were pulled out of one of the pool's strainers at the end of the day.

Adrienne - I would have, but I was hungry (never did like lobster much).

Some boys, particularly at that age, will try anything to get some.

[Hänni]

Your totally tragic story inspired me to tell my own.

Visit the haus post haste.

[kalki]

This kills me. All of it. From the HUGE pompoms to the Redskins boxers to the cardigan to the infertility. Good lord, that one night of yours was more interesting than my entire life. (I played. It is nothing compared to this, though.)

[mrtl]

Hänni - Will do!

kalki - It's a little sad that I don't remember the dance at all. Was it that lame??

[mrtl]

william - I missed you! Sorry!

Yes, it was a lame-assed attempt. I'd much rather a guy tell me that he felt a "connection." (See Jana's post.)

[Hänni]

I concur on Jana's "connection." That's pretty freaking sad. And it reminds me how overused that phrase is on reality dating shows... that and the "journey." Freaking horrible cliches.

Just say what you really want guys: "I'm horny and I wanna feel your pom poms."

[RazDreams]

my worst date ever, and my first date with this particular guy, took place while i had the full-blown, never-been-that-sick-ever, will-i-make-it-'til-morning flu. i was so sick! worst date, bar none.

[Ern]

This is too funny! I'm in kalki's boat, dating-wise, so I didn't play this week. I'll just live vicariously through everyone else's bad date stories. :)

PS: The thermals? Under boxers? Oh, man, I SO remember those days. They could be alternated with days wearing thermal top under t-shirt.

[amy]

You are too adorable in your cheerleader outfit. You even make the redskins boxers look cute, dammit.

Cardigan? What a tard. Good for you for ordering the steak in your backless dress.

I am going to do a worst date. As soon as I get these kids in their straitjackets, i mean, to bed.

[eclectic]

Fruit plate? He ordered a fruit plate wearing a cardigan, and shared it with his male friend? I see where this is going....

But I LOVE the Christmas party-wear!! What a howl!

[mrtl]

Hänni - Stop! You're turning me on!

Raz - Nothing says "I like you so much" more than puking on a guy, eh?

Ern - It's all in the telling. Kalki's story is awesome!

I still can't believe I let myself out in public like that.

amy - Woman, I was NOT a cheerleader (not that there's anything wrong with them). I was a Pom Pom. Otherwise known as the Pom Squad, or Dance Squad.

I'll be watching for you!

eclectic - You didn't just go there. Oh no.

[Nina]

You look like a baby, a grade school cheerleader, but not in high school. You are just adorable . . . beautiful smile. I love your outfit for the Christmas party . . .
Feeling like a mom and protective . . . smacking Chris for hitting on you with I'm infertile.
Glad you got the hell out of there. Lame story Chris, just lame.

[eclectic]

ps: I played MM!

[mrtl]

Nina - Hehe - Thanks! I was mistaken for a student regularly when I taught (middle school). Hopefully I can retain the youthful looks, although I haven't been carded for alcohol but maybe twice in the last several years.

electic - Heading there now. Thanks!

[RazDreams]

mrtl, this ain't relevant (and "ain't" ain't a word), but you ain't got comments open on bug's site, so here it is: bug is just a darned cute kid!!! the calling under your door in the morning for you - that is so me and so adorable!!! and i learned "abierto, cerrado" ("opened, closed") from "sesame street." until today, i always thought it was "abierto, QUEDADO!" alas, my spanish is waning after 28 years. :(

[RazDreams]

(you musta forgot to close bold because i didn't use no bold!!! i swear! f'schizzle...check the code!)

[mrtl]

Raz - She is quite the endearing child. Thanks for the validation! ;P

I learned quite a bit of Spanish from "Sesame Street," too. For some reason, I'm remembering Grover doing the open/closed bit (a la the near/far bit, which will probably always be my favorite).

[Von Krankipantzen]

OH NO! The infertile excuse. I can't believe he used the infertile excuse. *shakes head*

[mrtl]

Kranki - I know! And in common conversation. You'd think that would be more appropriate (totally overlooking any DISEASES he may have had) as an excuse for not "needing" a condom.

It scares me to think that other girls fell for that kind of shit.

[Von Krankipantzen]

Oh yeah! I played at my blog. Posted Worst Date EVAH!

[cat]

I would have SOOOOO kicked my date's ass if he showed up in a cardigan and Dockers, I am NOT kidding. Not even remotely kidding. So serious.

And I LURRRVE the Christmas wear, woman. No, really. There is NOTHING more comfy than boxers over long johns! And why isn't that in style any more, huh? Boxers over Long Johns = TOO COOL.

[cat]

Oh! And I completely forgot to say this:

OMG! The PHS Badgers rode the Mighty Blue and Gold Wave, too, baby! Woo! SNAP, girlfriend, we're total school color buddies!

That is all.

[cat]

Oh, and I played. Late, but I played, damn it!

[mrtl]

Kranki - Yeah! I seemed to have struck a nerve with this topic, so many people wrote! (Hello, Cat? She's played maybe once before.)

Cat - I'm really not with you on the boxers over long johns look. Especially when they're your dad's and they're like 10 sizes too big for you.

Go blue and gold! (We were the Spartans.)