Money

Ah, to breathe. For now.

It's been some time that I've pondered this post, trying to sort out my thoughts with it all. I'm glad I did this mental exercise, because I'm slowly adjusting to the concepts involved.

Let's back up...

When mister mrtl and I first got married, we were making about the same amount of money. Since we had been living together for about six months prior to getting hitched -- two of them without a third roommate, -- we already had a bill-paying system in place. Everything was split. This worked for us, so we didn't change anything when we got married. As time went on, one or the other would take over bills when they were generally the same. As careers changed and morphed, and mister mrtl began making quite a bit more than I, we adjusted the bills accordingly.

It's still this way. We keep separate checking and savings accounts -- I am listed on his checking account, for those rare occasions when he's away with work and unable to take care of his bills, -- and we have a joint credit account for general shopping, which we pay off each month.

Whenever this topic has come up in conversation, others tend to think it odd. What? Never combined money? It's like a judgment that we don't have a strong marriage. Quite the contrary. It's said that the majority of fights between married couples are over money. We don't fight over money. Never. If mister mrtl wants to drop a pretty penny on a mountain bike or a new golf club, more power to him. If I want to blow all my self-budgeted "play" money on pie, it's on me (in more ways than one). We discuss joint purchases. It's all good.

Now for the wrench: things are going to change for us. Bug is back on the waiting list for the childcare center on base (and has been since the week she started at this new place, but that's a story for another time). Putting her back there adds at least an hour commute to my day, considering that with mister mrtl's current schedule, he won't be able to drop her off or pick her up on most days. This wasn't a huge deal when she was there before, knowing that it was temporary. Two and a half years of it, though, is another story, especially with the upcoming addition. When a spot opens up for her, I'll be dropping more hours with work. We'll see how that works out when Frida arrives, and I'll drop more time if necessary.

How this will affect our happy little financial arrangement remains to be seen. I may be down to the point with how much I'm making to be able to cover childcare with some spending money left over. Things may be tighter than that. This is where I see a change in my thoughts since I first really started considering this topic. I seem to have come to terms with the idea of relying on mister mrtl to support me on bills. That bothered me for quite some time. Now I'm thinking more that it's when we get down to the personal expenses -- basic spending money -- the FREEDOM to buy whatever I want at my leisure -- that I start feeling uncomfortable. It's not that I'm that big of a spender. I don't tend to buy crap that I don't need (although I do have my little project kicks, and sometimes the projects get funded but not completed). It's the concept.

Still more time to consider this, and time to adjust myself to the idea of becoming a more dependent woman. Gah!

next week's topic: personal theme song

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Did you post? Bonus for those who put something up on time. Do tell!

Susie

Comments

[The Anti-Stalker]

You'll be able to tell yourself, at those times when you're feeling resentful for carrying more of the child care or house care load, that I'm "paying" you to do it. In a sense, that's true since my role will be more provider and yours will be more domestic, for the time being. Everyone does his part, you know?

[mrtl]

Honey. Remove the word "domestic" from your vocabulary RIGHT NOW! That makes me want to vomit that oh-so-yummy Drumstick icecream I just ate.

hahaha - You see the Google ads?

[The Anti-Stalker]

What word would you prefer? Housewifely? Pfft! :-P

[william]

I think it is impressive that you have been anble to keep the separate accounts. I alos think it is even more impressive that you do not argue over money.

[Susie]

WTF with those Google ads? They're trying to cause trouble! This post is very interesting to me. Couples do fight about marriage a lot. There is a general perception that when a couple doesn't "pool" their money, when it's not all "ours," that there is a lack of trust in that relationship. Clearly, that is not true in your case. Because of the family I came from, and because of my temperatment, I was someone who NEVER wanted to be financially dependent on a man. I wanted to know that if I ever needed to, I could leave and provide for myself and my child. When I changed careers from corporate to human services, my income dropped considerably, and I was suddenly very financially dependent. When LG was born and I limited my hours at work, even moreso. And it was excruciating for me. In hindsight, though, it was progress for me as a person. The trusting, the willingness to be dependent on this person whom I've said I am "one" with, was a real mark of maturing for me.
You and mr. mrtl seem to have very healthy perspective on this, and you will work it out just fine.

[ieatcrayonz]

Hear hear to the glory of the three separate checking accounts. I need to know what I have in there to the penny so I can sleep at night; he uses his "brain calculator" to keep track and knows within a few hundred dollars.

Yes ma'am, I am a firm believer in not sharing the moola. Of course, that really only works when you make about the same amount, as you stated. Besides, do you really want to get the statement and see what he spend on your birthday / anniversary / Christmas / Kwanza / Flying Spaghetti Monster gift - and vice versa?

Hugs to you. You'll get it worked out. Those kiddos are worth the sacrifice, Pie Day included.

[suburban misfit]

We've had combined accounts since the day he moved in with me, and it works for us. He never, EVER makes me feel like it's "his" money, even though I haven't worked for pay since Christopher was two.

I say whatever works, works. It's those people who have trust issues who look at you askance (I checked the spelling, cos it looks wrong, but it's right! Go me!); screw them!!

[jana]

I agree with suburban misfit, what works works. my husband has always made more $$ than me and even before we were married we put it all together. We have fights about money but not debilatating ones. It wouldn't matter if we had separate accounts; he just wants to spend money that isn't even there!!

I am going to the bank today to open up a new account for all my 'new' income, which will be our shopping account basically. Those trips to Target just do not pay for themselves, darnit.

[Andrea]

I am uncomfortable with this too, feeling dependent on my husband now that I'm not working. Actually, I HATE it. And he doesn't get it. When I have been able to work the odd part-time job, I put it in an account that, though it does have both of our names on it, is considered "mine". He doesn't like that, thinks we should have one joint account. I like having discretionary funds, money I can spend without feeling guilty if I don't discuss it with him first, that he can't "disapprove" of. And sometimes he does ("disapprove", that is). He still doesn't get it.

I also keep a credit card with my name on it only, and refuse to cut it up or cancel the account. I've had it since college, and hey...it's the reason we had credit good enough to buy this house. I'm not giving it up.

Yes...this is a sticky topic in our house.

[Susie]

Gah! I said couples fight about marriage. That's probably true, but I meant to say that they fight about MONEY. money.

[Mama Duck]

I don't think that separate accounts are strange at all, but when I mention it (my 1st DH and I did that) people do tend to look at me cross-eyed.

We don't fight about money either because Sugar Daddy and I have the exact same allowance each month to spend on what we want. No more, no less so it makes the playing field equal.

[Von Krankipantzen]

I have big worries about being dependant on a man for money. A lot of my past relationships have crashed and burned because I didn't feel the guy had good money vibes. You know, horrible spending habits, really cheap, financially secretive etc. Didn't feel good about the thought of starting a family with them. I think you have to go with what works for you. But the trust must be there no matter what.

[Nina]

WTF with the Google ads???? You never mentioned the "D" word.
I have struggled with the dependent issue too. I think most women have at one point or another. We have separate checking and savings accounts. We just never changed it after we got married. I subscribe to the if it aint broke don't fix it.

[mrtl]

T A-S - I'm going to have to get back to you on that one.

william - ::bows::

Susie - I hope so. (And I know what you meant. ;0) )

yonz - Three? (I think we have four involved, since neither of us closed our accounts back in Maryland. lol)

Do tell about this Flying Spaghetti Monster holiday! That wasn't yesterday, was it?? Shit. I missed an opportunity for pie.

misfit - It sounds like you've got a great system in place!

jana - They don't? Good thing there's no Target here. ;) I suppose a huge plus for us is that neither of us tries to live outside our means...

...of course, I'm comfortable in my current means, so when my means is lowered, things may get difficult.

Andrea - I am all for ... shit, what to call it? I don't like "allowance" at all. "Discretionary funds" will have to do. Anyway, I'm all for it.

I recently read an article about not canceling your unused credit cards, that it does hurt your credit score. Who knew? Years ago I closed all my store cards, thinking it would help.

Mama Duck - Now that's a novel idea: equal allowances. I wonder what mister mrtl thinks about that one.

Honey?

Kranki - I'm with you on that. Trust is HUGE.

Nina - Right. I've talked to plenty women, though, who've thought me crazy for not "taking over" the money (sounding like "It's all mine now, too!"). Maybe I'd feel differently if I weren't working, or stopped early in the marriage.

[Mainline Mom]

As usual I will add my short and sweet opposing comment. I am a firm believer in shared money. I have never had any trouble being dependent on my husband, and he never makes me feel bad about what I spend it on. We don't fight about money because we have more than enough. We used to make the same amount and now I make much less. Doesn't bother me a bit. I work so I don't get bored. But to each his own I guess.

[Homestead]

Well, I'm the major breadwinner in our household.... that has a whole set of problems and macho issues attached to it that we have to deal with in our relationship. It is currently putting a unique pressure on us in that I want to cut my hours to 30/week but I feel I can't because we need my income.

All our money goes into one account and we put everything on our frequent flyer credit card (easier for me to check the budget at a glance and, hey, we get to fly places!) and it gets paid off every month. With my recent Quicken addiction I've set up a budget that includes an "allowance" for each of us of about $100 a month. This allows me a lunch out once in a while, a few lattes and a trip by the clearance end-caps at Target without guilt. Hot Stuff buys some lunches, newspapers, Big Gulps & dill pickle flavored sunflower seeds.

[mrtl]

Mainline Mom - It's good to hear from those of you who do this without the negative repercussions!

My independent streak goes way back. My mother is constantly reminding me of that whenever I am telling her stories about Bug and her stubborness.

Mister mrtl has been very reassuring about this, and I wouldn't think he'd do or say anything to make me feel bad. It's all coming from within. I just need to get over it.

Homestead - But he's a FIREMAN. A HOT FIREMAN. lol

I'm the budgeter here. He's not. I'm sure it will all work out in the end.

[Susie]

I posted about MONEYMONEYMONEYMONEY.