Doubt

Last week I struggled to figure out what to put as a topic. Doubt was on my long list of possibilities, and I figured, if anything, that would be the easiest essay to pull out of my ass. I am, by nature, a doubter.

Don't laugh. While I do consider myself an optimist, it would have to be a cautious optimist. I look for the good, but I expect the worst. My personal philosophy is that if I do this, I can only be pleasantly surprised when things go better than expected. It regularly backfires on me, though.

I regularly create little dramas in my head, playing out each oncoming situation in the worst possible light. While this is a practice of preparation, it also tends to set my mind, sending me about with an attitude. Does it show on my face? Do I look hostile? Unapproachable? Is this why mister mrtl is ALWAYS asking me what's wrong? (How do I respond when there isn't really anything wrong at that time? "Well, nothing's wrong... YET!")

And wouldn't you know, sheryl, that this is a perfect segue into what we were talking about?

Is my regularly dour expression the reason why no stranger attempted to rub my pregnant belly when I was pregnant with Bug? Because you know, I totally intended to have people doing it all. the. time. And was dreading it. And had big plans on how to react to the egregious invasion of my personal space. I mean, come on. WTF? You don't just come up and TOUCH someone you don't know.

The script in my head had it playing out this way: Some woman comes up to me, rubs my belly and says, "Hmmm... Let me guess... 7 months?" I turn, smile sweetly, and rub her tit and say, "Hmmm... Let me guess... C cup?" Of course, her only reaction to this would be to huff and walk quickly away with a "Well! I never!" as I laugh maniacally.

And as much as I hated the thought of someone touching me this way, I secretly wished for it to happen. Maybe this wasn't so secretly. Maybe I carried that desire as a dare in my eyes ("Yeah bitch. Try it. Touch me. Please!").

Yes, I also doubt that I would go through with it if it were to happen. I think the shock of having someone actually do it may cause me to either freeze or start laughing hysterically before trying to regain composure enough to say, "Hey! Come back here! I want to touch your boob!"

next week's topic: road rage

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Did you write something? Let me know!

eclectic, Nina

Comments

[LadyBug]

Just a thought: If you yell, "Hey! Come back here! I want to touch your boob!" at a woman, she's probably gonna call the police.

Another thought: If you yell, "Hey! Come back here! I want to touch your boob!" at a woman, and she actually comes back, run. the hell. away.

[william]

C- cup. That is classic. Made me laugh.

[sheryl]

You know how you call us bitches when we make you emotional? (not hard when people are preggers)

Well, I told myself whenever you picked a topic I could easily see as relevant to me in certain ways (and for my growth or own good), I would post about it.

Bitch. I'm not emotional (shocker!) about it but that was one hell of an incisive topic choice. I will post something later today.

[cat]

mrtl, is it strange that I have a wicked mad desire to touch you right now?

Is it?

If so, just kidding.

[mrtl]

LadyBug - Neither happens in my fantasy.

william - Maybe funnier if I go down one. Is a B cup funnier? A?

sheryl - That's it. "Bitch" is coming out of my vocabulary. Pissy got the best of me on that. I broke up with a guy in high school for jokingly calling me a bitch, you know.

Back to boogerhead.

Cat - You just want me to touch your boobs.

[ieatcrayonz]

Boob grabbing - that reminds me of something, but I can't put my finger on it. :P

Hmmmm

[Daphne]

I think we were separated at birth, mrtl.

Do people ever tell you (strangers on the street with no right whatsoever to say a damn thing to you) "You'd look prettier if you smile!" or "Smile, it's not that bad!" or ANY VARIATION OF THIS INANITY? Damn, it makes me mad. Oh but it doesn't happen as much if I'm wearing my glasses. Glasses generally prevent people from approaching. Take 'em off and I'm suddenly the belle of the ball, even frowining slightly.

I have a strange blend of stupid optimism mixed with (you guessed it) crankiness galore.

If I can think up any pre-prepared comebacks I've never used, I'll let you know. Your boob-grabbing plot is a good one and I'm gonna co-opt it when people stay 3 feet away from my glare/pregnant self, someday.

[LadyBug]

Third thought (I know! Three thoughts in one day! On a Monday! Wow!):

The best response to a belly touch from a stranger (and one that I could probably have pulled off, which is why I'm ticked I didn't think of this when I was pregnant) might be a look of why-are-you-touching-me HORROR and saying, "WHAT? I'm not pregnant!"

Or you could use the "absorbed twin" speech from Aunt Voula in My Big Fat Greek Wedding:

"All my life, I had a lump at the back of my neck, right here. Always, a lump. Then I started menopause and the lump got bigger from the "hormonees." It started to grow. So I go to the doctor, and he did the bio... the b... the... the bios... the... b... the "bobopsy." Inside the lump he found teeth and a spinal cord. Yes. Inside the lump was my twin."

[mrtl]

yonz - JS and Kalki?

Sistah Daphne - mister mrtl gets the smile shit a lot, especially from my parents. He's not one to smile on command, so getting a non-fake smile in pictures is extremely difficult.

I need more comebacks to be fully prepared. Bring 'em on!

LadyBug - Ack. It reminds me of "South Park."

I do like the "I'm not pregnant" response. Or, as was discussed with the recent, "Stop asking when we're having kids" talk over at Kalki's, running from the room in tears.

[eclectic]

I had one elderly woman reverently lay her delicate and veiny little hand upon my 8-months-pregnant belly, and she was obviously so enraptured by my daughter's writhing within that I didn't have the heart to lecture her about personal space. But the others? Yeah, I was pretty militant. My favorite response actually used? "I'm not a lamp. Rubbing me will not produce a genie."

[mrtl]

eclectic - The more this makes me wish I'd just slap any hands away.

Maybe an appropriately worded t-shirt is in order.

[Ern]

I'm writing these ideas down for someday when I'm preggers.

I always get told to smile. What is up with that? I guess my neutral face tends more towards frowney than smiley. Suck it. I'm not smiling for you!

[Nanina]

ROFL, Thanks for the laugh, it feels like a C-cup. Reminds me of when I was pregnant with Ben. I was due around Christmas, we were out shopping Shawna and I. This older lady came up to us, and she sweetly said to Shawna, it looks like Santa is bringing a baby to your house for Christmas this year. My almost three year old little daughter said, "un ugh, that baby is coming out of my mama's vagina." The lady walked away without saying a word. I guess that is what I got for my honesty.
Oh and I played.

[Bucky Four-Eyes]

If I pretend to be pregnant, do you think I could get more strangers to touch me?

Um, no reason.

[Bente]

I never had strangers come up and touch me when I was prenant with Elli either, and I too was fully prepared for it. I'm pretty happy no one did though. I'm hoping it's the same with this one.

[mrtl]

Ern - That's right fuckers. No smiles for free!

Nanina - OH that is funny!

Bucky - You can get a little pillow and stick it under your shirt. Wouldn't THAT make for a funny encounter if someone were to rub you and realize it's not real!

Bente - I guess some people look more approachable. The women I've met who have had it happen usually say it happened all the time to them.

[Von Krankipantzen]

As long as you promise to tell us all if somebody dares approach your belly this time around. Promise?

[mrtl]

Kranki - I'd have it no other way.

[eclectic]

OK, OK...I'm late, but I did play the "doubt" game. Thanks for an interesting topic!

Hope you're feeling better this evening.

[jana]

I don't think I had the 'radiating beauty' of most pregnant women, so I think most people assumed I was the 'disgruntled pregnant lady' and steered clear.

I've been pondering on this doubt thing, and unfortunately my post might have to turn into a Tuesday motif if I can't get to it on time!

[mrtl]

eclectic - And it was absolutely lovely!

jana - No worries. Let me know if you do post something so I can add the link.

[Mama Duck]

I too plan out exactly what I'd say/do in a situation but when push comes to shove I go the high road and usually keep my mouth under control.

Oh to be free-spirited...

[suburban misfit]

I started something and then dinner got in the way and then I might have accidentally poisoned my family with bleach/amonia fumes.

You know how cat urine is, like, amonia? And then when you find out that your stupid cat has been peeing down the basement drain and you're so mad that she did but you're glad you found out why the hell the basement still reeked of cat urine when you *just* cleaned out the cat boxes so then you pour some bleach down the drain because you know she totally will stop peeing down there because the smell is so bad? Except that the drain isn't really a *true* drain, it's just DIRT and the amonia-pee and the bleach mix and it doesn't drain it just SITS THERE and then your husband complains that the smell is NOXIOUS and you realize...oh, duh, amonia and bleach?

Yeah, that's been my evening.

[mrtl]

Mama Duck - Oh to fantasize!

misfit - I am appalled. What kind of drain is filled with dirt?? How do you fix that?? (lymestone?)

[Amanda B.]

Ooooh, I'm glad you said this. I am SO a belly rubber. A pregnant belly is like a magnent to me. I will have to try to contain myself. :D

[mrtl]

Amanda - Have you met jomama (High on Boredom)? She loves that shit.

Some people might be ok with it -- if you ask first.

[lawbrat]

That is great!! Boobies! I did do a post, then deleted it. It sucked.

I dont know how to get images from one place to another!! I cant wait to figure out how to put that on my site. Thank you!

[mrtl]

lawbrat - Directions are above to link to it. If you want, you could also right-click on the image and save as... to get the image downloaded on your computer.

[suburban misfit]

I DON'T KNOW! I've thought all these years that it was actually a DRAIN!

The lethal, toxic mixture ended up...seeping, for lack of a better word, away last night.

I wonder if it's supposed to be an actual drain connected to the sump pump drains but it's backed up? And of course this happens on a Monday night, when the husband leaves for the week on Tuesday morning.

I want to kill the cat with my BARE HANDS.

[laurenbove]

Hey Chica! You made me laugh today and after all I've been through (you know what I'm sayin') that's really nice of you. Mr. Mrtl is just concerned about you b/c he loves you. J does that to me all the time and it really annoys the piss out of me...buttttt it's out of love so we must endure.

I also am a cautiously optimistic type and I think it's the best way to be. Cheers to us!

clink (that's my water glas hitting the monitor in your honor....now quick....touch my boob.)

[sheryl]

Amanda B, if I am ever pregnant, I would let you rub my belly if you wanted to. And of course, mrtl. But mrtl will have had at least two babies of her own by then and probably has no urges to touch pregnant bellies anyhow.

[Girl.A]

Thinking of funny things to say to keep people from touching your belly *before they do it*:

1.
YEAH! Please, rub my belly! It's the funniest thing but it makes e come really hard EVERY time!

2.
Yes, please, rub my belly. The priest that sits on my shoulder told me the baby is going to be a demon unless you lay on your hands.

3.
OOOO, yes, please. Rub her belly. She reeeealy likes that. It makes her haaaaaappy when people rub her belly. Her belly begs to be ruuuuuubbed!

4.
Sure, rub my bel- actually, [undoing pants] while you're at it, can you just reach in and scratch my baby behind the ears? I'll open the flaps for ya. He/she really likes being scratched behind the ears!

[ScottyGee]

I am sooooooo getting pregnant. I need to touch some nibblies.

Girl A, you are killing me.

How about this one: "I'd let you rub, but that's actually Danny DeVito in there. I am trying to smuggle him out of the country. Some kind of tax evasion thing..."

[Girl.A]

"Ok, you can touch my belly... but since we're so friendly and all...would you mind terribly [rummaging through pockets or purse] holding this garbage bag under my crotch? I'm about to break water."

[mrtl]

Misfit - What a quandary! Could you put the litter box on top of this hole in the floor?

laurenbove - You know, I'm really going more for the mortification of those invading my personal space, not sexual gratification of the touch-ee. Why do women here keep wanting me to touch them?

sheryl - I have no desire to touch other women's tummies. Or boobs. Really.

Girl.A - Thank you for providing me with the benefit of your views.

My butt itches. Maybe #5 could be a belly rub / butt itch combo deal.

ScottyGee - Somehow I find the thought of harboring Danny DeVito under my shirt more disturbing than some of Girl.A's suggestions.

Girl.A - How about, "I don't know if you should be doing that. It tends to make me fart."

[jomama]

LMAO! I loved this post and the comments just kept me laughing.

I get the "Smile, it's not that bad" thing too. ALL THE TIME. I hate it. Who the hell walks around smiling all the time? I would look like a doofus walking by myself smiling.

And yes, I would appreciate a belly rub every now and them, but I'm beginning to rethink whether I would like strangers touching me unannounced. That's creepy and wrong.

And Girl A? Telling people that touching my belly makes me come? OMG!! That was funny as hell.

[mrtl]

jomama - You'd need a special shirt with a no touch zone labeled over the turkey timer.

[suburban misfit]

Oh, mrtl, where were you when I needed you??

She did it again yesterday, so I did end up smartening (is that a word?) up and I put the box over the hole.

That sounds *SO* dirty.

[mrtl]

misfit - What a naughty pussy!