How to Spot a Talker

When venturing out into civilization, it is almost certain that one will encounter a Talker. Talkers can be quite disturbing to witness, and downright frustrating to hold a conversation with because it's just not possible. Why? Must you ask?

Some characteristics of a Talker include:

1. An inability to shut the fuck up.
2. Having no "inside voice." He can usually be heard across a room, even in a crowded location.
3. Changing every possible conversation into one about himself.
4. Interrupting.
5. An inability to listen to anyone else speak. This is manifested in continual "mm-hmmm's" and "yeah's," which can be loosely translated into, "Who cares what the fuck you have to say? Hurry up and shut your pie hole so I can get back to my story."
6. Attempting to top every story, including his own.

::tangent::
Is it perfect that Dilbert this past week ran a series of "Topper" cartoons? These illustrate characteristic #6 quite well. (Monday,
Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday)
::end tangent::

7. Providing excessive and unnecessary details to every story.
8. Interjecting himself into other peoples' conversations.
9. Having an opinion on everything.
10. An inability to pick up on common social cues that the conversation needs to end. Looking at watch, tapping foot, folding arms, reading, starting another conversation, moving away -- these all go right over the head of the Talker.

On our trip on Friday, we encountered two major talkers. The first, pictured below with her gay shoes to which I was disturbingly drawn, wouldn't shut up the entire trip from Anchorage to Seward. Her Talker nature was manifested in two primary ways. First, she was an pestilent mother, pushing snacks, unsolicited advice, and nagging directives on husband and daughter Nellie (that's short for Chanel). Then she was a boastful teacher, attempting to impress everyone on the car with loud talk of her unit planning as the only person in Colorado certified to teach that particular course. Give me a fucking break!

Our second talker was on the trip back. I didn't get a picture of the motherfucker because he was sitting behind us, and I wouldn't have been able to discreetly take a picture of him. Mister mrtl and I had decided to check out the whatever the hell they called it -- observation deck? -- of the train. We joined several other couples up there, one with their teenaged grandson in tow, who were being plagued by the presence of a former Marine (and while a possibility of hearing loss may explain his lack of volume control, it doesn't excuse the other nine Talker characteristics/infractions). So what if the chick screwed up her ACL skiing on her honeymoon! He went into a rant about how he was last on the ski patrol coming down the mountain when he messed his up. When he and his posse finally decided to hit the dining car, the three remaining couples (including the grandson, mister mrtl and I) breathed an audible sigh of relief. "Silence is golden," was repeated. Laughter in the shared moment of exhilerating serenity. We even sang a stirring rendition of "Kumbaya" (or was that in my head?)

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Kristine, Lawbrat, Sharkey

Comments

[Bente]

Oh geez, the talkers. A frustrating bunch to say the least. At least they gave you some funny post material. This cracked me right up. :)

[michael]

that's nothing! the other day i met this guy who was, like, way more of a talker than those people! i was...

oh, wait. sorry.

[danielle]

LOL haaaaaa!! funny story and my favorite has to be #1 LMAO!!!

[ieatcrayonz]

I'm sorry, did you say something?

Mrtl, I want to marry you in a civil union.

[MrsDoF]

I am very glad to be reading this today. I find myself as a Full-time student at the community college. I am usually the oldest person in the room, student or Instructor.
In every first session, so far, the syllabus talks about how many points count towards Attendance and Participation.
It seems that all the bs about "self-esteem" and "student expression" (that my sons had in grade school) has caught up and carried on into the college curriculum.
If my one class last semester was any indication, this will mean that students will be talking to get points, and not because there is something to add.
I am amused that even the teenager in your little group sighed with relief. The Talker must have been truly unpleasant.

[Summer]

Talkers. I hate 'em too.

(Ran into one yesterday at a convenience store and nearly attacked him with the hot dog tongs.)

[eclectic]

*heh* Harsh backatcha, but funny! Turbo talkers are a tough gig. I meet more than my fair share -- occupational hazard.

[lawbrat]

Talkers need to take a chill pill sometimes. Their ignorance is their bliss, and everyone elses hell.

[sheryl]

I'm not sure what you mean by "gay" shoes - colorful, I hope?

I agree with you that Talkers are hard to take. I've been supervising a Talker (one of the worst talkers I've ever encountered in my life, which is saying a lot since my mother is a schizophrenic with a motor mouth). He needs to discuss everything, and re-discuss. What drives me craziest is the way he has to repeat the same idea three times, not understanding that it is for his own benefit.

It's sad too, because we won't be hiring him permanently. He talks so much that he doesn't know how to listen, he can't retain instructions. I find the talking an ineffective way of trying to control situations, trying to assert dominance, allay the Talker's anxiety. He has toned it down but even so, I find him unbearable. And he's miserable with trying to be quiet.

Makes me want to work the night shift in a library.

[mrtl]

Bente - Major headaches on the train, but the laughs now make it bearable.

Michael - lol!

Danielle - woo hoo!

yonz - Where's my ring, bitch?

MrsDoF - All too often college is just that. If you can't spit back what the teacher gives, don't bother. It sucks.

Summer - Pictures??

eclectic - My apologies. Talkers in the workplace have got to be THE WORST!

Lawbrat - I can't figure what's worse: not being able to take the cues or being so damned loud.

Sheryl - Colorful and showy. (See this for an explanation.)

I can't imagine your daily horror. Aren't you doing work that requires good listening skills?? Gah!

[Von Krankipantzen]

I wonder what causes a Talker to evolve. Is it an overindulged childhood where they are told everything that comes out of their mouths is riviting or a lifetime of being ignored? Or is it genetic? But there is one in every office isn't there?

[mrtl]

Kranki - ::tapping into my inner Dr. Phil:: Sometime, somewhere, the Talker got some payoff for the behavior.

[lori]

My ex fit every one of those to a T. I don't know how I managed 10 years. Now I can't stand to be around him. Mememememmememememmememe. Arggh. The worst is when we'd do parent/teacher conf's for the girls (post marriage). I finally had to schedule them separately so I could get a word in and not have it all be about "Oh, *I'm* a substitute teacher, blah, blah".

[LadyBug]

::now wondering if I am, in fact, a Talker::

[suburban misfit]

It's the lack of a social filter.

My boy is a talker, and we're trying to beat it out of him...oh, wait, I *mean* we're trying to *teach* it out of him.

It's exhausting.

[ieatcrayonz]

Look, woman! I've got yer ring right here.

[mrtl]

Lori - Ten years would be harsh.

LadyBug - Granted, I've never talked to you, but I wouldn't peg you for one. You seem to be a wonderful listener, and a great empathizer.

There are other types of talkers (note the lower casing of that), like nervous talkers (uncomfortable in social situations) and perky talkers (too much energy to switch off the mind, to borrow yet more lyrics from The The). To be a true Talker, you'd have to meet all ten requirements above.

yonz - Thanks, honey. That'll look real nice on my wang. Did you get a matching one for you?

[cat]

I am a recovering talker...
Wait. Or is that "teacher"?
Damn it. I keep messing those up.

[mrtl]

Cat - I understand the confusion. Hard to withstand the draw of the pulpit.

[eclectic]

Silly mrtl...you can't apologize! I laughed my tummy sore because of your good-natured "harsh"-ness! It's just good to know that I'm not the only one.

[mrtl]

Eclectic - Is that an eclectic workout? bitch.

[little sister]

Cracking me up!

Your 'talker criteria' list is impressive. I'm printing a copy to carry with me at all times....several copies. ;-)

[mrtl]

little sister - You'd have to add something to it like "You are a Talker." Talkers don't know they're Talkers.