Fear

Update: I also fear earthquakes. It must be the unexpected. The loss of control. The feeling that a car just rammed into the house. (Yes, we just had another one.)

----

Do you know how many times I've tried to figure out how to start this? The subject is too loaded (i.e., I'm writing a book here - sorry).

I don't consider myself a fearful person. I have fears, but most mask themselves quite cleverly in my subconscience; usually I don't even realize that something scares me until I encounter a situation that makes me feel terror. I wish that I knew myself well enough to avoid such situations, but I suppose it makes me more willing to try most things once. This is how I approach new foods, too. No, that has nothing to do with fear, I'm just stalling.

There are a few things that I know scare me. I had chosen this post with two in mind to talk about in more detail, but that may change. I'm kind of going with the flow right now since I'm finally writing.

1. Something happening to mister mrtl, Bug, and others I love.
2. Needles. I've passed out in the past, but I'll talk more about that later.
3. Falling. I hate those dreams that wake me with a jolt, that sensation that I've just fallen.
4. Intruders. How many times have I called 911 when I'm alone? 1) The time a heavy pan broke a plastic spoon in the sink, sounding like a window breaking. 2) The time the shelf fell off the wall in the kitchen, sounding like a window breaking.
5. Death. Not so much the loss, which is just incredibly sad, but the leftovers. I don't like to see dead people. Or imagine buried bodies after death.

Being the stubborn and -- what did Amy call me after my anniversary post? Oh yes. Spot on, too! -- practical chick that I am, I believe that I can control my fears, or modify my behavior to remove them. (This does not apply to food, which I see more as disgust -- like eating bugs and nasty shit like you'd see on "Fear Factor," which is one reality show I can't watch -- than fear.)

As I was saying, I've tried to take a practical approach to my fears. Shall we revisit four of those above? The first I will never be able to reconcile, and I can live with that.

1. Needles: Having passed out several times from getting shots, I decided to be proactive and kick that fear in the ass. How? I became a blood donor. The first two times went fine. No troubles. Yummy cookies. Then the blood bank moved to another building, from a street-level office to the third floor, if that had anything to do with it. More likely it was that I failed to eat decently before going the third time, and also the technician, who tweaked the needle as she was removing it. When I felt the movement inside my arm, I told her I was going to pass out. The last thing I remember is her saying, "Oh no, we're just about fin-." After I came to, I sat recovering there for two hours, being overcome by dizziness every time I stood up, before mister mrtl was called on the base's golf course, a good 45 minutes away, to come and get me. They forgot to give me a fucking cookie. Bitches.

Did that stop me from going back? Oh no! I was convinced I could get over this. I went back a fourth time, after eating very well and drinking plenty of water. And I demanded a cookie before we started. I'm not stupid, you know. Unfortunately, the same thing happened. The tweak. The warning. The "Oh no-." This time as I came to, the technician (a different one this time) leaned in close and said, "You know, you may want to consider not coming back." Oh my gock the shock! The county was running a huge ad campaign at the time because of the low blood supply. Even still, I couldn't deny that my mind was not going to control my body on this one. I got a parting cookie and left.

2. Falling. It's funny that I'm ok with heights. When I'm in a precarious situation, though, I feel the panic.

Once upon a time I worked with some Marines. Parachuting Marines. Cute parachuting Marines with cute little shorts and more enthusiasm and fearlessness in their cuticles than most people have their entire lives. They got me thinking: How else to get over my fear than to go skydiving? It is so incredibly unfortunate that the cute, short short-wearing Marines couldn't take me up; I can think of little else more titillating than jumping out of an airplane with a Marine strapped to my back. (Did I just write that? Honey - I do love you, and you know I'd never leave you for a Marine. Been there. Done that. Anyhoo.)

When we moved to Texas, I decided I was going to go for it. I made it a New Year's Resolution to do my first jump. New Year's Day, I drove myself to San Marcos, jumped, and then headed home. The fear didn't hit me till my tandem partner and I were shimmying our way to the open door of the plane. GAH! I had asked if we could do a flip on the way out, and he obliged. It took me a moment to make sense of direction. Free falling was absolutely incredible. My ears weren't so happy, though. I couldn't yawn or swallow; my ear-to-ear grin meant my mouth was wide open and dry dry dry. I was afraid to put my hand up to hold my nose, thinking the wind resistance would slam my hand up and break it. I suffered in bliss.

3. Intruders. Slava is my watch kitty. He doesn't protect -- he's a bigger pussy than I -- but he watches. If something's amiss, he's hiding. I look to him when I hear a strange noise. If he's still lying near me, I don't get scared.
4. Death. Many actions taken here:
   • I avoid viewings as much as possible. If I must attend, I don't approach the coffin.
   • I decided that I will be cremated. I'm ok with the thought of burying ashes, although I'd prefer to have them scattered about, wherever my loved ones think I might like to be.
   • For a while I watched shows with a lot of death (crime shows, "Six Feet Under" and that other HBO show on autopsies). For a while there I was intrigued, and even considered the idea of being a forensic scientiest.

Now that I'm finished writing and about to post, I'm thinking of one more: pain. But really, this is long enough, and there's not much more to say about pain anyway.

next week's topic: how to ~ show some skills, yo. Teach us something!

----

As usual, I'll add links to participating posts. (And to older posts when I get a chance.) Please let me know if you wrote something!

Andrea, Eclectic, Kalki, ieatcrayonz, Lawbrat, Nina, Sharkey, Sheryl, Vajana, Weetzie

Comments

[lawbrat]

This is a great post, mrtl. You are a strong woman, thats for sure.
I loved, and laughed, at the part of your 'watch kitty'. If he hides...lol. That was just great. Needles suck, I despise them, but havent ever passed out.
It was probably a good idea not to put your hand anywhere near your face while free falling. I've never done it, but I can only imagine how the wind resistance, loss of equilibrium, and sheer adrelinine would have your perception 'off'.
Ok, I'm going to write soon. I'm sorry if this is jibberish...I just woke up afer a 4 hour nap to fininsh my exam. 5.5 hours till its due. And I really need to wake up before I start writing it. Have a great Monday!

[william]

I am quite impressed with you ability to at least try and conquer your fears. That takes a lot of guts. The giving blood and skydiving. Now you need to hire someone to break in to your house a few times.

[kalki]

You're the only person I've met who is also afraid of falling but not heights. I'm the same way. Also the same with the buried bodies thing - crematation seems so much cleaner to me.

You're unlike me in that you try to face and overcome your fears - I admire that.

[jana]

That is totally cool that you kept going back to give blood. First time I gave I passed out so I have not been since. I hate needles, and that is partly why I never want to be pregnant again, what with the needles and the pushing and the pain, etc.!!

I posted, good topic. I'll really have to come up with skills next week, I have none. Although I was finally able to sew on a Brownie patch for my daughters vest yesterday, pretty proud of that.....

[MrsDoF]

The loss of loved ones too soon, that's a big fear of mine. Everybody is supposed to be old and feeble before they die, though I have sent sympathy cards to 3 friends this summer where the deceased relative was the same age as me! One was the valedictorian of my high school class.
If I am standing on a mountain, looking out over a distance, I am fine. It's when I am high up in something man-made, like the Washington Monument, then that's when my fear of heights comes over me. No way would I go sky-diving.
There's an old, old, movie starring Clint Eastwood where he gives a great speech about jumping out of an airplane. The word Heart ache? break? is in the title.

[Susie]

I'm too afraid to write this one. Seriously, someday I will write about it, but it's distressing; not today. You are wise to face your fears rather than avoid them.
I'll play next week.
And Jana, they should give the MOMS patches for sewing those damned patches on. I feel your pain. I have a few for LG's Junior vest sitting here waiting for me.

[shari]

When I was expecting, my big fear was that something would go wrong with the baby, and that somehow, it would be my fault. Irrational? Yes. But palpably real? Absolutely. Still, I faced it down, like you and your skydiving. Of course, my motivation was merely to reap the promised reward of boobs. That turned out to be an internet scam, so...now all I have to show for my bravery is healthy kids. *sigh*

[Nanina]

Well I did write one this week . . . I am so impressed mrtl that you face your fears. It isn't always easy to do, but it is good to do it. I would give up on that blood donation, after the first time, I am sure. It was very wise to demand your cookie first. :)

[Von Krankipantzen]

WOW! You are so brave! Facing your fears like that. Just wow!

[kalki]

I played, yo. It be long.

[Weetzie]

Good post mrtl! I played!

[Bucky Four-Eyes]

Intruders. My #1 fear. And all those years Jim worked third shift and I was home alone...

OK, now I have to go find my blankie and rock in the corner for a while...

[shari]

OK, mrtl, I played, too. Not sure if I followed the rules, though. If there's a penalty, let me know.

[mrtl]

Lawbrat - I asked my tandem dude after, and he said it would have been ok to squeeze the nose. Who knew?

William - Nah!

Kalki - I can't begin to tell you how liberating it was to have at least tried.

Jana - Next week is meant to be silly. I used to give that assignment to my students. They'd fret and fret till I told them it's not so much the skill, but the detail in describing the process.

Sewing? You go girl!

Mrs DoF - Rough! Sorry to hear about that. It's got to be a shocking dose of mortality to have so many your own age go so close together.

I don't recall the Eastwood movie. Sounds like something to look into sometime.

Susie - I feel very fortunate that I don't have any paralyzing fears. I've known people in the past -- but won't name the fears lest I touch on something with someone here -- where just hearing the name aloud was enough to bring uncontrollable shaking and crying.

Shari - Those trophies aren't too shabby!

Nina - I learned that lesson the first time. Bitches weren't going to get away with not giving me a cookie again, especially after the hell I went through to help.

Kranki - If I really think about it, I can still conjure the twisting in my stomach that I felt at the door of the plane. Knowing I overcame that is priceless.

Kalki, Weetzie and Shari - Thanks for the head's up. I got the links!

Bucky - Replace that image with one of an adorned and tattooed penis. Does that help? lol

[The Anti-Stalker]

Heartbreak Ridge. About Grenada, if I recall correctly.

[Bente]

Another Earthquake? Oh my.

[MrsDoF]

Thank you, Anti-Stalker. I hadn't had time to look it up. Clint movies, such dry wit. Sigh.
Now if I could just get the jingle of Pabst beer out of my head. I blame Chookooloonks who put it there.

[Sharkey]

Good post and good topic, mrtl. I don't fear the death so much, but the process of dying. And after that? Gah--I won't be around to know what happens.

I played tonight: http://sharkeymalarkey.blogspot.com/2005/08/fear-factor.html.

[sheryl]

I participated this week. How could I not? You're freakin reading my mind.

[mrtl]

T A-S - Never saw it.

Bente - 4.38 according to the website.

Mrs DoF - Chookooloonks? Nevermind. I Blingoed. :)

Sharkey - Thanks!

Sheryl - Yeehaw! It's magical! (oh I love Doug Henning)

[AndreaBT]

I participated this week!

[mrtl]

Thanks Andrea!

[Bill]

Saw your 'motif' idea at Nanina's site, her post, and now yours have inspired me to write soemthing myself.

Your ability to face, and write about your fears is to be commended.

[mrtl]

Hi Bill! Welcome, and thanks for participating!