Waking Up to WTF

It's 5:30. After going to bed at 11:30, I should still be asleep. However, the beloved Conscience, pal o' mine who has forced me in the past to do assinine things like write a letter of apology to the only guy I ever cheated on -- who DESERVED to be broken up with, and I planned to once he got out of his court-martial-mandated stint in rehab for getting way drunk, stealing a Navy truck and joyriding around Bethesda, running red lights and stop signs till finally stopped by civilian police, who then blamed HIS FRIENDS for not "taking care of him" (bet he believed a lot of his waiters, Susie, eh?), but who breaks up with someone while they're in rehab? -- yeah, my ol' buddy, Conscience (I'm not even trying to save the grammar at this point, but I'm not a teacher anymore and don't feel the nagging obligation to live up to a former title. That's why Conscience and I are still friends after all these years.), was flicking at my ear when mister mrtl was trying not to wake me when he gave me a little kiss goodbye.

Eyes wide open. Not closing. Wide awake. Not going back to sleep.

So what is Conscience bothering me about? Slava. The cat. Also known as Bubba. I've written before how Bubba always becomes a drooling love whore every night as soon as I get into bed. He doesn't allow me the luxury of getting settled under the covers. I usually have to push him off the bed to buy me the time to do that. And last night, did I notice that Bubba didn't make an appearance? Did I??? I did. But I was oh so tired, having stayed up late cleaning up more white on white in PhotoShop. (I tell you the dude who's taking these pictures is soooo lucky I never see him while I'm in town because if I do, all the fuel that has been festering in me surrounding these pictures and his cootie files is going to rush out my ass, creating a torch so grand that it's going to stun him into mobility, so he will be burned BURNED to a smoldering pile of ashes which I will use to mix dye to create a better backdrop for future pictures.) So tired that I convinced myself that Bubba must have nodded off in the playroom.

The waking anxiety was in realizing that not only did Bubba not make an apperance last night, but that I slept fitfully (enough to go today on six hours, apparently), meaning Bubba never did come in. He always sleeps with me. On my body pillow. Where my leg should be. And won't move (unless I wake up and again push him off because just moving him to another part of the bed results in him coming right back, but having to jump back on the bed gives me enough time to get situated).

No Bubba in bed means one thing: Bubba is locked in somewhere. It was the guest room. Again. Third time now.

I don't know what is up with this cat. He'll go off in a crazy rant at night, soon after being kicked off the bed the first time, "Mow! Mow!"ing all over the house, but he will not make a peep if he's locked in somewhere. -- What gets me the most here is that I always call out to him when I go to close the door, and the fucker never comes. I will start calling "Fishies!" which is cat for "Treats!" to see if that works from now on. -- He'll settle down and sleep, probably till he's found. Then he's all like, "Oh, the door's open. I think I'll walk out leisurely and then lie down in your path so you trip over me and start worrying why I'm not bolting to the litter box." This is a far cry from our old friend Iggy, who would FUH-REAK out the moment she was locked in, and upon liberation continue to freak out, yelling yelling yelling "[Kick me!] OMG! I can't believe you did that to me? You bitch! Where's my food? I've been starved! I'm calling the ASPCA!"

Say it with me, mister mrtl, "I really don't miss that cat."

Comments

[LadyBug]

Wow, I miss a day or two, and you've gone on a posting frenzy!

This absolutely cracked me up, mrtl:

"I think I'll walk out leisurely and then lie down in your path so you trip over me and start worrying why I'm not bolting to the litter box."

Sounds exactly like a cat. *snork*

[CircusKelli]

I'll say it: "I really don't miss the cat."

We haven't had cats now for a number of years, and it's been lovely. :)

I remember, very well, having cats, though. That part about the litter box cracked me up.

[mrtl]

LadyBug - Funny thing is that I've felt I haven't had a whole lot to write about.

*snork* - I like that.

Kelli - Iggy's the only one I've ever felt that way about. All my other kitties have been wonderful.

[Ern]

I can't even imagine a cat being quiet when locked in. Our cat turns into a tiny orange cyclone when locked in, complete with his own emergency siren.

[ieatcrayonz]

I need to make an appointment with the eye doctor. So far today, I've read "cootie flies" and "Getting Pussy" on your blog.

I'd better go...

[suburban misfit]

I wish I could miss my oldest cat.

She's pissing me off.

[kalki]

I read "cootie flies" too, crayonz! But the "getting pussy"...you're on your own there, hon.

Our cats never seem to mind being accidentally stuck somewhere either. I'm always apologizing all over myself to whichever one I've overlooked and he'll just look up sleepily as if to say, "What'd I miss?"

[jenn]

HI there just wanted to say i am particpating in WTF tuesday, thought you might want to know.
Your themes make blogging fun!
Jenn

[Amy]

I love the way you spell freak. It is so like a cat.

[Circus Kelli]

I read Cootie Flies, too...

Looked for the Orange and Irish Cream Rolos without success... still looking...

What was the most recent pie you had, hon? Was it good?

[Torrie]

I know I'm a day late, but I have a Pissy rant on my blog today.

[cat]

That was freaking HILARIOUS! Thanks for making me spit-take all over my keyboard, you bitch!

Because this?

"...yelling yelling yelling '[Kick me!] OMG! I can't believe you did that to me? You bitch! Where's my food? I've been starved! I'm calling the ASPCA!'"

is TOTALLY what a cat would be thinking. Damn straight.

[Spurious Plum]

Awesome awesome awesome! Were you a kitty in your past life?

[La Pix]

I had a 4 lb cat for 19 years who would HOWL louder than a World War II air siren when locked in the bathroom. Chou-chou gets crazy at night or when she's hungry (eating disorder. cat's increased her weight by 1400% since she's been with us the last 5 months). BUT when I lock her in the bathroom, on our crazy expensive bathroom rugs (120 bucks each) she gets cozy. And goes to sleep. Like one of those kids who needs a time out. Or a rubber room.

P.S. Her meow sounds like a weak ass baby whisper squeak. Not. even. noticeable. And the cat doesn't hold grudges.

So, for all her monstrosities around the house, she's pretty ok.

[mrtl]

Hey! Typepad remembers me!

Ern - You'd think he'd mow for hunger, at least. But not a peep.

ieatcrayonz - Girl.A. said the same thing last week (about getting pussy).

Sorry misfit!

Kalki - do you fret over litterless accidents, too, then?

Jenn - WTF Tuesday belongs to Twig. I should have put that in the post (and will go back and do so because I'm anal like that).

Amy - Sometimes "freak" just won't do.

Kelli - I'm considering a special trip to Canada to get me some.

Pie - had apple and doused it in warm custard. The custard was awesome, but the pie was -- "feh" is a description Susie used that I'm going to steal. It was more like thickened apple butter for a filling, no chunks. I want chunks in my apple pie.

Torrie - Thanks! I'll be catching up on my reading in a little bit.

Cat - So sorry! Iggy may have thought that, but she was too stupid for follow through. This was the cat who would be screaming for food when there was food in the bowl and she was standing right next to it. "Feed me now! Feed me now! Feed me now! I'm hungry! I'm hungry!" ::gently and patiently pushing her nose down to look in the food bowl:: "Look! It's magic! Food! For me!"

p.s. I worked some magic with your comments. Poof!

Plum - I don't think so, but am hoping to be one in the future. (Can you be one more than once? If so, maybe I was.)

La Pix - ok, I totally missed that this was Chou-Chou's first birthday. I thought she was older. That's a huge change from baby C-C to that big ol' honkin' kitty you have now.

[AndreaBT]

I have no guilt in my cats getting shut in somewhere, probably because I deliberately shut them in the bathroom every night so they don't wake us up at 4 a.m. begging to be fed (I started this routine when Audrey was born...I was already too sleep-deprived as it was). Sometimes Linus gets shut in our bedroom, the only door that is almost always shut, and sometimes they both get shut out in the front "porch" (it's more like a small room with lots of windows). They always let me know where they are, and it's a small house, so I can't help but hear them.

And while the thought of sleeping with my kitties once sounded cute, napping with them occasionally has changed my mind. Lucy loves to rub her cold wet nose on my arm just as I am about to drop off...EVERY TIME. I know she's being affectionate, but DANG, CAT! Could I get some shut-eye here?

Sorry for the long pissy post, but I have not once been able to make it on time for Motif Mondays (and this will have to count for my WTF Tuesday :)

[AndreaBT]

Oh, and mrtl...did you see the t-shirt design Shaun made for mrtland? I'm thinking you're probably like me in this regard; I could never wear one of mine myself, because what if someone I know came to my blog?!?!?!?

[Bente]

My cat keeps getting locked in the bathroom and freaks every time she does it.(The door latch broke on the weekend.) And she just keeps doing it over and over again.

[mrtl]

Andrea - In the bathroom? You meanie! (I totally understand with the new mom frazzle, though.)

Thanks for the reminder! I started looking yesterday, meaning to go back and comment and look around more.

Bente - She does it to herself? Beauty and brains, she has.

[La Pix]

Do you have Mountain Bars in Alaska?

DO YOU? Because, well, we used to have them in Seattle and my dad once told me he found them in Alaska. And I am wondering if you like them...

Sometimes I crave them like mad though I haven't tasted one since high school.

[La Pix]

And I don't mean Mountain Breweries or Mountain Pubs or Lounges. Though I wonder if that's what HE meant...

I mean a hunka chocolate with nuts on top, filled with either peanut butter (YUMMY) or plain white creme (ok) or strawberry creme (YUCK).

[mrtl]

La Pix - I shall make it my quest to find them and will let you know. Thank you!

[La Pix]

I found a link!

https://www.brown-haley.com/mountain.cfm

I was wrong - there isn't a strawberry. It's cherry. eew.

I want to send you the peanut butter ones. Though do you really want 24? If you like them, that could be pissy-making. Same as if you don't like em one bit.

Thsi is not the edible thing I want to send you though. THAT is something I am picking up from Quincy Market. And don't worry - it isn't now, and never was, a fish or a shellfish.

[mrtl]

La Pix - I could totally do 24, but let me see if I can find them around here first. Thanks!!