Some Participation, Dammit!

I had every intention of posting something Thursday for Self Portrait Day, but didn't get the opportunity (after work and Bug and reading all my blogs and stuff like that) till about 10:30. It was at that time, however, that it was determined that the Benedryl administered to Bug was not going to be enough to get her to go to sleep, that she needed a good dose of Momma lying next to her and accidentally falling asleep and not waking up till 12:45 after she, having lost her binky, began wildly thrashing around, knocking Momma upside the head.

To be perfectly honest with you, though, my intention wasn't to go full out, anyway. The theme? Transportation. My submission? My foot. Given that I finally had the time* to escape today to get a mani and pedi, having gone the other day and learning the wait was too long, but not considering that trip a complete wash since a) I discovered ::cue angelic choir:: Cafe Mocha at Starbucks (years of Caramel Latte wasted, y'all; there's just no comparison), and b) noticing that there's a Stone Cold Creamery RIGHT THERE?! And even though I have never been in one or eaten its product (but have heard many stories of the wonder that occurs there), I knew instantly that its presence totally makes up for the lack of a Target here.

Let's take a quick break to smoke a virtual cigarette -- cheers to Bucky; this one's for you -- while I sit back, relax, and again remind myself how good it is to not be an English teacher anymore. The syntax I allow myself in the blogosphere is enough to make the former English teacher in me cringe. Of course, I could just say I'm giving props to John "And I Thought I'd Never Use My Sentence Diagramming Skills in Real Life to Understand What the Fuck Someone Is Saying" Milton, but I know that would be pushing it.

As I was saying, my submission was to be my foot. I had no plan to find the camera... is it in the car? I think it's in the car... and take a picture, much less go through the dance of getting the picture here for you. It's not that I wouldn't post a picture of my foot here; really, did you think I'm that modest?? I'm just too lazy.

Speaking of lazy... Yes, I'm getting super tangential on your asses tonight. After such a rude awakening, followed by the even ruder inability to go back to sleep, I am taking my "Why Can't I Sleep and Why the FUCK Is It Still Light Outside" shit out on you... My birl (that's for "buddy in real life" -- watch out! You can't stop the half-asleep blogger coming up with some weird shiznit!) Susie asked today what animal we are. There she goes, making me think again. ;) The only thing I could think of was "sloth." And I sat there, her comments section staring back at me, for a full five minutes trying to convince myself that there must be some other animal I could be, listing off various animals in my brain and just as quickly scratching them off.

Not completely changing the subject, but getting back to the asterisk (*) above, I have to pat myself on the back for my time management today. ::pat, pat, pat, pat:: ::pat, pat:: What did I do today? Let me tell you. I did all of my work. All six hours! Bug was here, but she mysteriously kept herself quite occupied with her toys and food and hanging out on the couch watching too much tv and playing with Daddy; well, I did put her in time out a couple times for playing her new favorite game of running at me and putting her splayed hand on the keyboard after several warnings of "no touch" (Super Nanny is rolling her eyes and tsking me, I know).

Losing myself again. Finish list. I worked, I did dishes, I unpacked the coat tree to be assembled this weekend, I got a pedi and mani, I ate (something that tends not to happen on extremely productive days, so it is worthy of note, thank you), and I supervised Mr. Cable Guy installing a new jack in the office (moreso supervised Bug so she wouldn't try to fall down the hole into the crawl space). I also was able to read all of my regular blogs (still haven't dug out those others - but that's a weekend task and not a kudo for today so let me stop with that right now), commenting hither and thither, and post a couple entries of my own. Considering I'm lucky to clear four hours of work with the Bug here, it's amazing that all this got done. Yee haw!

Now, to back up some a little, right before I first typed that asterisk (* - in case you didn't know and didn't catch it the first time, I'm really not trying to insult your intelligence, I'm just wired from not being able to sleep and it just blurted out) and I started to ponder how magical today was and how the hell did all that happen? Ok, yeah, that's not a sentence, but I'm going to pretend it was. Stay with me, folks. One little fact flicked my frontal lobe, so I stopped and said, "What the fuck?" and it flicked me again, so I gave it a moment's consideration, typed the asterisk (* - this one's for those scanning to see what the first asterisk (*) was about), intending to give it further consideration later in the post, which is where we are now so we can just get on with it. Ok? Ok. The fact: I didn't take my happy pill today, and I don't think I took it yesterday either. ::putting index finger and thumb to chin for the collective "hmmmmm":: What's up with that?

I started on this drug regimen after self-medicating with a daily drink of choice wasn't curbing my bitchiness. ::Taking a moment to change category from Miscellaneous to Miscellaneous and Exposure since we're going there. Aren't you glad I'm sharing this with you?:: It also had a lot to do with work, primarily that I was having a lot of trouble focusing. For those of you who didn't know (which is probably a very short list of those who also didn't know what an asterisk (*) is, but I'm going to tell you anyway because I'm in Just That Type of Mood), focus is pretty important when it comes to work. So I was spending an inordinate (is it funny that just spelling that out, my brain is saying it super slow because I always trip over it when I speak it?) amount of time trying to work and then making up the time and not having any time to do anything for me and not having anything to do if I did have time for me because we were in the middle of fucking nowhere Texas and I didn't know anyone who would just come over and drink a fucking margarita with me already, anyway, so it didn't matter. My seeds for a breakdown were sprinkled with baby hormones, nurtured by motherhood's selflessness, and put out in the sweet Texas sunshine, where the shit grew.

Let's recap (I need it): No focus or productivity -> medication -> recent forgetting to take medication -> unexpected surge in productivity. WTF? Add to the surge my sudden, overwhelming desire to get to Home Depot to buy my wet dream of home ownership (10-inch mitre saw with extension arms and its own bench), some trim to install in Bug's room, and paint for her room and the upstairs bathroom as this weekend's project (in addition to the coat tree, of course). Ooooh! Oooooh! We also need to put some lattice around the back porch so Bug won't be climbing under it. See what I'm saying?

One of my other birls, Cat, said at one time that she had tried the medication route but stopped because she didn't like feeling dispassionate. Isn't that what you said? I'm pretty sure I remember that right. I'm seeing that here. I see that I've managed to slip back into a "live to work" routine and not getting a whole lot of enjoyment out of life. The problems with this are obvious to me, not just from the standpoint that it sucks in general. Look at my life: a wonderful and sweet husband, a beautifully precocious daughter, a brand new better-than-any-Barbie-dreamhouse-I-ever-saw home, a new car (Who's that guy on "The Price is Right"? Who cares, just say that like him. I'm only adding this to the list because of that, even though the wheels are pretty hott.), an amazing, scenic new location to explore, and all the excitement and optimism that comes with a fresh start.

I think I've had enough and am ready to try this solo, without the meds. They never were very good friends, anyway, more like the annoying aunt who pinches your cheeks and tells you that you should smile.

::Previewing and considering changing the title to "I Started Writing You the Letter, Which Turned Into the Book," but I've forced enough The The on you.::

Time to wrap this baby up and put a pretty bow on it. I had also planned to talk about Stuff Friday and how I'd participate in that if I were to get my camera, but it's only 2:30 Friday morning, so I'll hold off and get that done later.

Once again, I started writing about one thing and it quickly turned into a self-analyzation. Still quite productive. And if you think about it, still on topic, given that I'm striving to be a more active participant in my life.

Comments

[bill]

I don't know what the appropriate comment could be. Good luck I guess. I hope it works out for you.
10 inch Mitre saw with bench my wife would love that.

[ieatcrayonz]

So this is the real Mrtl without a happy pill? I think my pills are interacting with your lack of pill, so I was actually able to stay with your post. Amazing. Maybe it was the Starbucks stimulant.

If the English teacher in you really wants to puke, read my post from yesterday evening...uh, I mean last night. Fragmentville.

Are you trying to steal Sharkey's lattice Google thunder? Crap, I just helped you out. ;P

Price is Right: Rod Roddy [sic]

::pat, pat:: for you trying to fly solo.

[kristine]

I MADE IT TO THE END!!!!

I didn't do SPT either. I will when I get one that sparks me.

[LadyBug]

Echoing Kristine's sentiment, about making it to the end. I got a little lost in the middle, but YAY! I saw it through, and the overall effect left me feeling happy. Happy for you, and just happy in general. I love those rambling, rambling, rambling posts, that travel hither and yon, and leave you feeling a little dizzy and drunk, but happy. (That was a compliment.)

[Amy]

I love your rambling revealing recapping of reality and reason and reverie, Mrtl.

[Sharkey]

What? No Target?!? How ever will you survive???
Yep, that's the item that stuck with me as I read the entirety of your post.

Here's to Starbucks, pampering, and happy, productive days!

[mrtl]

Bill - I realized as I was writing this monstrosity two things: that I'd be very surprised if anyone made it all the way through, and even more surprised if they figured out something to say since I was all over the place. I'm sure, having read it all, there's some entitlement involved in commenting, the attitude that "Damn it, I made it all the way through, so I MUST SAY SOMETHING." Thank you for staying in there. This has got to be worth at least one Girl Scout patch.

Ieatcrayonz - Hopefully it is me off pills and not me on dregs of pills about to hit withdrawal.

I shall be reading your blog thusly; you're near the top.

I would in no way *try* to steal anyone's Google thunder, and have thus been very careful not to mention some key phrases except on those blogs to which they apply.

What the fuck kind of name is "Rod Roddy"? I know you didn't make that up. Eeep. I almost just revealed the name of one of my former students who had the same kind of thing going, and another who happened to have the same name as his brother.

Thank you for your support. :) If that turns into a yellow icon I'm strangling Typepad.

Kristine - You know I did this long-assed one for you. Catching up on your blog over the last couple weeks was hell-a hard. Not that your typical posts are long, but that you update a lot. Not like there's anything wrong with that and not like I don't love reading your shiznit. Just for you, baby.

Oh LadyBug - All of you are getting the Girl Scout Patch. In my newfound productivity, I'm sure I can fit it onto my list for today.

Amy the Ambling Alliterator who Alliterates - Damn you for giving me goose bumps. A+++++++!

[mrtl]

Sharkey (Yes, I've turned on the html.) - I will survive. Oh yes, I will. Between the ice cream and the moose sightings (none yet, but I'm hopeful) and the GOOD PIE (this is key, as I mentioned before there's a direct correlation between depression and good pie), I will be just fine.

[cat]

I made it! I focused and stayed with you! I powered through! Yay, me!

That being said... Oh, mrtl. I hear you, birl (interesting acronym, BTW! I just LUV your acronyms!). I HEAR you. And yes, that is basically what I said. I didn't feel bad, but I didn't feel much of anything else either. And peeing hurt! So did orgasms.

Oh. TMI?

I think I mentioned "bandaids" and other stuff, too, but with such a personal decision, who really cares what I think? You go, mrtl. Your birls out in the Blogosphere are rooting for ya, whatever you chose.

And, incidentally, I am sure there are times when people read bits of my blog and think to themselves, "What the fuck?! This girl was an ENGLISH teacher?! Holy shit! Nuh-freaking-uh!", due to my utter disregard for the niceties, nay, the complexities of the English language. Whatev.

[CircusKelli]

"Damn it, I made it all the way through, so I MUST SAY SOMETHING."

Um. Hi, mrtl! :)

Oh oh oh! Cold Stone Creamery! LOVE the place. They have an ice cream flavor called CAKE BATTER. There is almost nothing better in the world than an *ice cream* called *cake batter*.

Good luck off the meds, darlin. Been on 'em, been off 'em, been there, done that, thinking about getting back on 'em. I'll keep my fingers crossed that all continues well for you.

[mrtl]

Catbirl: First off, I am SO HAPPY to report that I have not had any icky side effects like that. Shame on any med that would make an orgasm hurt not-so-good. That's worse than a mouthwash turning Summer's E's teeth brown.

Again, thanks for the support. If I start spending too much time on the deck slurping margaritas like, well, Slurpees, I'll check back in with the doc.

I'm working this one out... How about Principles of English Boycotting Blogging Ladies of the East Side?

[mrtl]

Kelli, sweet Kelli: Anything new I hear about SCC makes it that much more ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY that I go there TODAY. I loves me some cake batter.

[AndreaBT]

Congrats on your super-productive day! I know what that feels like, especially because I have them so infrequently (could it be MY meds? Maybe. Hmmmm....)

And congrats on your revelation! Be careful if you're going cold turkey; I don't know exactly what you've been on, but I know SSRI's are notorious for withdrawal symptoms if you go off them too fast (something about half-life). Once I was late getting a refill (by mail, ugh) when I was on Prozac. The first few days without I was fine. The last few days...I was quite cranky and irritable and knew I'd better get that refill in the mail soon or I was going to kill someone. Anyway, you're a smart lady, I know you'll use your best judgment!

[Torrie]

Wow. My head is spinning.

[mrtl]

Andrea - Thanks! So far so good with no withdrawal. I'm sure mister mrtl will let me know if I don't figure out for myself that I may need to reconsider.

Torrie - Now you know why I bought Pearl. All this shit swimming around up there, who wouldn't think I'd have trouble sleeping?

[Von Krankipantzen]

Your tangents reminded me of a Henry Rollins Spoken Word thing. He always manages to bring it all together at the end.

[kalki]

No no, don't let this post be labeled as "rambling." That does not give it enough credit. No dear, this is stream of consciousness. This is stream of consciousness that could beat Faulkner's stream of consciousness any day.

I followed every word. You're a delight. :)

[Susie]

I'm reading that thinking, "girl," I mean, "birl, WHAT are you taking/smoking?" Turns out maybe it's what you aren't taking. There have been books written about the pros and cons of such meds for creative, passionate people. There is no clear research conclusion. If you absolutely have decided to stop, do your research about HOW to stop. Abruptly isn't always advisable. End of mom-ness.

No Target might be enough to put me on meds. Or stone cold send me to that creamy place you found.

[mrtl]

VK - Isn't it too bad I don't have his sexy muscles? If I did, I'd still visit your blog daily.

[mrtl]

Kalki - You may not want to justify my actions here. I wouldn't want to make these things a habit. It's more like emotional diarrhea, and my ass is still burning from it.

Susie - Believe me, the moment I feel the slightest twinge of withdrawal, I'm popping again. I don't handle withdrawal well; when I tried to quit drinking daily espressos, I didn't last one headache. (It took a tonsilectomy and all the pain meds it brought to get over that one.)

I will call the doctor on Monday, though, and do some research on my meds to see if there are any warnings.

[Daphne]

Here, I am giving you the URL to my *other* livejournal, which I never thought of as a blog until recently yet which has existed nearly four years now.

You are so rad.

The funny thing is that lately I've been thinking about trying meds again for focusing on work. In general (though not this week) long-term psychotherapy has done things meds couldn't do back when I tried them (same SSRIs but [holy f---] almost 8 years ago) for major depression. But then they didn't know what they know now about anti-depressants not working so well for teenagers, or how about women in their early 20s? Not so helpful.

Okay, you are rad not just for this post but for your prompt responses to my comments, those of a stranger. Yes indeed. But about that focusing on work thing: 1) I need to do it now; 2) had I not not-focused yesterday, I wouldn't have found your blog. So you know, these things in life, they cycle back to "decent" or "good" or "rad" every now and then.

OH AND: Stone Cold Creamery gives me major anti-social fits. Warning to you as a former careful practioner of the English language: Their menu and their sizes are all in terms of "like" and "love." As in a so-called small is the "Like It" size; they will ask you if you're sure you don't want a "Love it" for just thirty cents more; and I don't have any memory of what the larger size is. I ordered a milkshake to avoid using any of these terms and it contained -- oh shit, I really can't remember, and you're not going to believe this anyway -- either 5 or 7 (yes FIVE or SEVEN) scoops of peanut butter ice cream. Plus one scoop of (soon to be pulverized) M&Ms and some (whole, most likely) milk.

But since it's light out all the time where you are now, you can just run it off in the middle of the night when you can't sleep.

whew. long comment to match a long post, which isn't even from today and I'M NOT DOING IT FOR THE BADGE.

[mrtl]

Daphne - Now I'm wondering if you're in California (haven't heard "rad" since I lived there).

Thanks for the other link - I'll check it out, too (time allowing - gah!).

So far things have gone well without meds. I haven't shot fire out of my ass at anyone, at least.

The cycle thing? That's Karma. She's cool like that.

Bug and I hit SCC the other day. ohmy. She dug into some plain banana and I had something with a lot of chocolate. Scrumptious. And Dangerous. I'm already making plans to go back for something with Twix and Reese's Cups... never tried them together... hmmm....

and, um... me = not a runner. If you've read Spoonleg's most recent post (Spelunk in the Trunk - highly recommended), my thoughts on exercising are comparable. I have considered taking belly dancing classes, which they offer on base. We'll see.

[Daphne]

Mrtl (it seems it should either be all caps or all lower case but you know. whatev.), I am in Seattle.

and that's all you get in this comment! haha! (only because I am getting a headache, though.)