AHHHHHH! My Eye .... Bitch!

Today I had my vision checked by my opthamologist friend. I haven't had this done since 1989, and I don't remember being assaulted during it.

Some of this I brought on myself. They asked me if I wanted to be dilated, and I agreed so I could get some of the cool shades. I really wanted some of the cool shades to keep in the car, you know, for sunglass emergencies.

First, her assistant, another friend, blasted my eye with air. "Checking the pressure" my ass. And then she expected me to sit still and keep my eyes open so she could do the other side.

After a couple other pain-free tests, Dr. Boogedy-boo Voodoo Lady put these drops in my eyes. She prefaced this by saying that she could put a drop in first to numb my eyes and wasn't as painful. I opted out of this. I don't know why I opted out because I'm such a candy ass. Anyway, she put these drops in my eyes. The right one didn't sting much, but the left one OH MY GOD stung like voodoo woman stuck her long, shiny needle in my eye. Then was the wait, and after the wait, this:

Notice how my left eye is more dilated than the right. This was much more pronounced later in the day. It also means that I couldn't see for shit in lighted areas without wearing the not-so-cool-as-the-old-lady-plastic-wraparounds-I-was-expecting sunglasses.

After the assault, I found that I am slightly far-sighted and have an astygmatism (or however that's spelled), which screws with your distance vision. Because I tend to feel dizzy when trying to focus on stuff far away, I'm getting glasses.

I'm the type of person who spends hours finding just the right card for someone. I wasn't expecting to find decent frames so fast, but there they were. After I tried them on and checked out my sexy self, I looked at the tag.

I'm really not that superstitious a person, but sometimes shit happens that FREAKS ME THE HELL OUT. Like the time when I lived in San Diego and I woke up wanting Cocoa Puffs so I woke up my roommate and made him drive me to the store and when we got home there was a sample box of Cocoa Puffs in the mail. Or the time, also in San Diego, when I was driving to Oceanside with my roommates and telling them about the two guys I knew who may live in LA or San Francisco, I couldn't remember, then we turned a corner and one of them was walking down the street. This was one of those times.

First, the brand of the frames is St. Moritz. That just happens to be the name of my China pattern. When I saw the style name I was stunned: Alena. At which point, instead of breaking out in song, I will break out into third-person storytelling.

We Weren't Really Going to Name Bug Ruthora

Story Time with mrtl

Once upon a time, long before mrtl met mister mrtl and got pregnant with Bug, which was a very long time ago indeed, mrtl thought about baby names. One baby name she found especially striking was Evan, for a girl. Mrtl's mother didn't agree, and went so far as to say that she would disown mrtl if she dared name a girl that. Evan is a boy's name and it's just WRONG to do that to a girl. (Mrtl knows that this couldn't be farther from the truth. She could name a child Shithead, pronounced shi-THADE, and her mother wouldn't disown her. Quite the contrary, her mother knows that the way to her grandchildren is through mrtl.) Mrtl still loves this name, but love won out when she married mister mrtl, whose first name rhymes with Evan and that would be gay so it won't happen, but there is a woman at mister mrtl's work who has a little girl named Evan so mrtl can get her little-girl-named-Evan fix vicariously through her.

When mrtl became pregnant with Bug, she and mister mrtl didn't discuss names with anyone. They told the noseys who asked that the baby's name would be Ruthora (after Ruth for mrtl's Grandma and Thora for mister mrtl's Gramma). Anyway, at this time, mrtl fell in love with the name Elena. Mister mrtl wasn't all too excited about this name, but loves his wife deeply and wants to make her happy, so he agreed to it. Under one condition. Mister mrtl said that mrtl was pronouncing the name all wrong. Mister mrtl can speak Spanish fluently, and said that the correct way to say it is A-LAY-na. Now A-LAY-na does not roll off mrtl's tongue as uh-LAY-na does, and this caused quite a ruckus. Elena was off the list, because it just wouldn't do to give a child a name and then have each parent pronounce it differently.

Then one day when mrtl was checking out yet another baby name website, she came across Alena. Well, how about that! She introduced the new spelling to mister mrtl, who was satisfied that this spelling was appropriate to the desired pronunciation, and all was right in the world.

Why mrtl continued looking at baby names at this point, she can not now remember. As it turned out, one day while looking at an Irish baby name site, she found Alaina. It looked beautiful, as beautiful as the name was to mrtl. And even better, this spelling didn't have the same meaning as Elena or Alena (light). This one meant "precious child." Could there be a more perfect name?

The spelling changed once again, and the search for a middle name ensued. But this would not be the end of the naming of Bug.

Mister mrtl and mrtl went to a bunch of new parent classes offered by the local hospital. One night, they entered the classroom and sat down. Within minutes they were overhearing a woman talk about a situation at her job with the Army. Mister mrtl, who outranked the woman, chose not to make a scene about it, and fortunately anyway, the conversation quickly changed when she interjected herself into the conversation between two other women in the room. She changed this conversation immediately to her precious daughter Alayna. "Alayna this. Alayna that. I have a child named Alayna." She would. not. stop. And horror of all horrors when the instructor started talking to mrtl about the class she was signed up for that Saturday. Alayna's mom once again interjected, hardly able to contain her glee, "Oh, there's another class on Saturday? We didn't know about that!" The instructor told her that Saturday's class was the same as the one Alayna's mom had taken just the other night, at which point mrtl's teeth unclenched.

Just when mrtl thought that she was experiencing the worst that could happen, Alayna's mom's husband opened his mouth. He kept asking questions during the class. Every other minute, he had another question, some of which had NOTHING to do with what the instructors were talking about. This came to a head when the instructors were telling the class that they need to check the water temperature before giving baby a bath. The following came out of this idiot fucking (38) moron's mouth:

Wouldn't the baby tell you that the water's too hot?

Mrtl need not say more. Except to mention that said IFM has three (yes, one, two, three) other children. That is all.

During the next break, mister mrtl told mrtl that these people were really turning him off of the name. As much as she loved the name, mrtl had to agree.

Some people have asked mrtl and mister mrtl if they'd use this name should they have another daughter someday. The answer is no. Alaina, as beautiful as it is, was meant for Bug.

On Thursday I will be picking up Alaina, my new glasses. Yes, that's the name; I'm not using Alena. And considering the amount of money she cost, I will be treating her as gently as a baby.

Comments

[kalki]

I LOVE story time with mrtl! (And I HATE going to the eye doctor. Truth is, I would rather go to the gynecologist than the eye doctor, THAT'S how much I dread the torture of air puffs and stinging drops.)

[kalki]

Me again. Those are some sexy frames!!

[kalki]

Me again. Those are some sexy frames!!

[Heathen]

I know I'm super seriously late on this. But you don't need to get dilated anymore. Find a doctor with the new renal photography machine. They get better information that way and you don't need to be dilated for it.

You still get the puffy machine to see if you have glaucoma though.

[LadyBug]

I hatehateHATE the puffy machine. It ALWAYS makes me jump; and I feel like a perfect idiot.

I'm with kalki; I love Story Time with Mrtl.