Mr. Petrucci was the administrator at my high school who patrolled the student parking lot to make sure no one escaped during lunch. One day two friends and I -- sick of eating Kit Kats and Diet Coke for lunch -- came up with a plan to go to my house for a real lunch, which included a bag of nacho cheese Doritos. The plan wasn't too extreme; we figured any adult male is a pushover for a sob story involving teenaged girls' monthly visitor, and that Petrucci would sooner let us go than discuss the matter with us.
Yeah, he asked why it took three of us to go. We told him that Sandy had the issue, I had the car, and we had to go to Peggy's house because Sandy was going to need to change clothes and my clothes wouldn't fit her. We couldn't go to Sandy's because Sandy didn't have her house key on her. He fell for it. We were geniuses.
On the way to my house, we were so intoxicated by our success that we did what any 80's high school girl would do: we turned on the radio and SANG! But we didn't just sing. We sang Ethel Merman. Everything Ethel Merman. You know that everyone in the world has a special talent? Mine is being able to sing ANYTHING like Ethel. Here I am imagining Snoop's "Drop it like it's hot." I could SO do that Ethel. But this was way before Snoop's time; that day it was all about Bob Dylan. Try to be in a bad mood and sing "Everybody Must Get Stoned" like Ethel. I dare you.
Today Crazy Us made a mention of Dan Zanes -- damitol -- and then it played on Noggin, so all day I've had that fucking flat-assed singing of the "All Around the Kitchen Cockadoodle Doodle Doo" song dancing around in my head, waving its arms in the air when it's not playing its stupid accordion. Are you kidding me? This has got to be some French Quarter bar band hawking its songs as kids' music; they've fooled Noggin, but they ain't fooled me. Sure, if I were partying on Bourbon Street and getting drunk on my second Amaretto sour, I'd do the silly dances involved in this and "House Party Time" and sing along and have a grand ol' time, but there's no way these songs were actually written for children, right?!
In my efforts to exorcise this song, I fell back on my old friend Ethel, and Ethel, you wonderful woman bless your soul, you came through for me! I didn't have to sing "All Around the Kitchen" too long before Ethel took me away to better places.
They'll stone you when you're trying to go home
They'll stone you when you're there all alone
But I would not feel so all alone
Everybody must get stoned
